Rockstar Rants

The 100 Mile Challenge

2011-10-10T19:07:00.001-04:00

This year was an incredible year of training and racing. I learned a lot. And, honestly, I've had a blast learning how to swim and ride these last few years...but there are so many other things I want to do. I had a new PR at IM this year, but I'm ready for a new challenge. This year, I'm going to do some ultras.

After pacing Chuck for Mohican 100, I knew it was something I had to try it. The depths to which one has to dig is unprecedented. The plan is to finish Tecumseh Trail marathon in December, again. And then a 50 in the spring and a 100 next fall.

I know I can do Ironman, but I'm not sure I can run 100 miles.

And after my amazing boyfriend, Marc, did Vermont 50 (in 7 hours 57 minutes)last month, there has been some chatter. After a few too many beers last night, I challened him to a 100 mile run, claiming I can beat him...so here goes...the start of a new endurance adventure..Let the games begin!!

8 Seconds

2011-08-29T16:49:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking about that bull riding movie with Luke Perry. I'm talking about how many seconds over 11 hours it took me to complete IMKY. That eight seconds is kinda haunting me.

But let's start from the beginning...

Typical race morning: have some coffee, be sure to poo, eat some food, pump tires and check bags in transition. It all happened. Then to the swim line, where my mom, dad, and Marc all found me...as did some teammates, Val, Cathie, Charlie, Pater and Amy (who was also racing). It was great to have such support so early in the game.

I will say that I was most concerned about my swim time not meeting expectations. I told Marc to not panic if I came out at 1:10 because I was expected to go about 1:05. Just before we were sent off, there was a "medical emergency" and we were stalled on the dock for close to 10 mins. And then they let us go!

I jumped in and just swam. I tried to stay long and I just focused on passing as many people as possible. Obviously, with the huge time lag, there was quite a gap between our group and the people ahead. I gat swam over right at the start but other than that, I just thought about my stroke, how my kick can help some and following through, just like at masters practice. I didn't feel particularly great, so I thought for sure I was going to come in around 1:15 again since it's not wetsuit legal. To my shock and awe, I hit the steps, looked at my watch and saw 1:02 something. wtf? I took 13 mins off my swim time. Yikes. Hooray! official Swim time 1:02.59. Holy crap, and thanks Aaron and the boys at masters.

T1 was uneventful except for the fact that I had no volunteer. I just took off my swim suit, grabbed my tri suit and peed the longest biggest pee of the day :) time 5:32

And onto the bike...and that's where the trouble began. Leading into IMKY, I was feeling good on the bike. I borrowed wheels from a buddy and he told me to get new tires, particularly the back one. Well, I picked up a tire and replaced the back one. I rode it down to transition on Saturday with now problem. Out of T1, different story. The tire was rubbing my frame. Every pedal stroke was a struggle. I pulled to the side right out of transition and tried to pull it away from the frame...and got back on...but every stroke, there was one little portion of the tire rubbing and it sounded GOD AWFUL!! Some girl looked at me and said "that's really loud". No kidding?!! I saw Marc and stopped, I was beginning to panic. Some guy tried to tell me to go back and have the mechanics look at it. Another tried to help, but then said something about not helping. So he just talked me through it...pull the wheel away from the frame, lock it down tight. It's not fully in, but it's fine. After about 4 mins (and the 2 I spent prior to that), some tears, a few curse words, I was back on the bike. Marc just yelled that I didn't lose too much time and to just settle in, which is what I knew I had to do.

I felt good after that, a little worried, but just riding. Then came the first climb...and I down shifted and the rubbing started again! DAMMIT. So, I got to the top, pulled to the side, re-adjusted, again, and went on my way. All in all, I think I probably lost close to 10 mins total. But I try to keep in mind that no race is ever going to go perfectly. I just rode. And then I lost my bottle of G2 and my water was out. I was just praying for the next aid station. I had some lonely moments out there for sure. There were times I thought about the training it took to get there and I may have shed a few tears (I'm super sentimental). And there were some dark points. But just as they'd hit, I would see a teammate or Marc or someone yelling my name and I came back to life. In fact, apparently, I smiled.

I won't lie, I was glad to see that 100 mile marker. My hooha was hurting and I wanted to run. I was a little nauseas and i thought my fingers were swelling so I was trying to take in the gatorade perform. But I'd never tried it in training. Um, MISTAKE #1. Official time 5:46.51

Anyway, into T2. Amazing volunteer. I was a little out of it. But she helped so so much. I just grabbed shot bloks and my shoes, wiped my face on a towel and went out the tent. time: 5:30.

The run. Oh...the run. Eddy had told me not to go out too fast. I feeling awful, but I didn't want anyone to know. I knew they were already concerned about my times. I had talked with Eddy the day before about my goals. I have been running really strong this year and I knew a 3:45 wasn't out of the question. But he wanted me to keep even pacing and go go go if I felt string at mile 21. Let's just say my first mile was 7:38, but I felt like I was crawling. And I walked on the bridge and knew then it was going to be a long day. I couldn't even think about taking in food. My stomach was full and revolting. By the third aid station, I couldn't even walk straight. The volunteers were asking if I was ok. So, I put my sunglasses down so they couldn't see my eyes and went off running. Aid station #4, I hit the port-a-potty for a few mins. Let me just say that on a hot day, when you come out of a port-a-potty, it feels like you're walking into antarctica. OK, anyway...until mile 9, I couldn't take in anything but a swig of coke or some water. Then, finally a gel and I swear, I ressurected from the dead!! I found that taking calories every 3rd aid station would be my plan. Then that plan failed me as I made the roundabout through town and once again felt awful.

Bryan ran with me, asked how I felt, talked me through it. I told him I would come back around. I was nauseous and my back was killing me. Once I concentrated on my form, I was ok. Seeing double digit mile markers was amazing!! Particularly mile 16. Not sure why. But I knew I was on my way home. When I passed mile 18, I heard some lady going the other way say she had less than 5 miles. and I almost cried. At mile 20, I knew I only had a 10k left, so I just figured, the quicker I go, the quicker the pain is over. I had been doing this "run til the aid station and then walk through it" pattern.And I kept that up through the remainder of the race. Those last few miles HURT. With a mile and a half to go, I just went. I think I had fire in my eyes. I knew it was going to be so so so close to break 11 hours. I finished the run in 3:59.16.

Total time: 11:00.08. Eight freaking seconds.

Good enough for 6th in my age group. And there were 4 kona spots, all claimed before roll down.

Oh, well, maybe next time.

There and Back Again

2011-07-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

So, there is a reason I haven't posted in a while. It's called IM training and 40+ hour work weeks and firewalls in the cubicles....leaves me way too tired for blogging. Hell, some days, I'm too tired for even sleep. I'm just tired! But I'm getting it in! But sometimes, I'm getting it iin with attitude. And whining. And crying.

Today was a scheduled four hour ride. And I was meeting my buddy, Pater, for some time in the saddle. We started out at 8:30am...oh, wait, he was 10 mins late. And I was, as stated above, not in the greatest of all moods (in his words, "a raging bitch"). We didn't really have a course planned, so we decided on a whim to go out to KY and up toward the airport, which meant lots of climbing...

And my legs were screaming on a run yesterday! I mean, Marc and I went out for this 6 mile run yesterday ay 11:45 (and let me just preface this with saying that it's been BLAZIN' hot here in the 'Nati...we had our 11th day of 90+ degrees for the month!! compared to the 7 we had all summer last year) and after a mile and the two miles and then three and again at 4, I stopped to cry because my legs HURT. SO. BAD. I didn't want to move!!

So, let's just say I didn't have great hopes for today's ride. And all this makes me uber grumpy. Pater made some comment about my chin strp on my helmet, after making a comment about standing and climbing and I'd already had it and went a little nuts, telling him to shut the fuck up...and rode on. I gathered my bearings and my sanity as we rode. And before I knew it, we were at the top of the hill, about 1:20 in...and stopped for more fluids.

We figured we had about an hour to roll around up top before heading back down toward the river. So, we went out and rolled. And baked. And sweat our asses off. We stopped after about an hour, far from where we'd come up...and I had ridden this area before, but not in about 2 years...and I ALWAYS get myself turned around out there, but when we stopped and Pater check GPS, I glanced, saw the river on the map to our left, told him we needed to go left. We went down, down, down..winding, and up and down, and up and down..and wound round and round. We stopped again, I checked my GPS...thought I knew where we were...and then, as we came to this construction section o the road where we were stopped for several minutes, realized we were headed toward Petersburg. WHERE THE FUCK IS PETERSBURG????

We were in dire need of fluids, so it didn't really matter. We rode, DOWN to get there. And found a store, where we spoke to the clerk and he let us know we were about 20 miles from where we wanted to be, and that it was pretty much all uphill. hahaha.

Did I mention that where I wanted to turn left, Pater had wanted to turn right? But I had won? Oops :)

We grabbed some snacks, some fluids, and a toilet. (notice the puddle under Pater's chair. That would be sweat...that is dripping from his shorts?)

Oh, and did I mention that just as we rolled into Petersburg that the thunder started rumbling?? hahaha...

I expected Pater to HATE me. Luckily, he's more patient than I. And he didn't get upset at me. We just rode the loooooong long way up the hill and into town. I mean, who doesn't need a little extra smileage? :)

Stay tuned for what's been happening the last few weeks, including races, wins, achy legs and lotsa lotsa training updates.

Unplugging

2011-06-13T20:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a stressful week or so...lots on the plate. So, tonight, despite having a plan of meeting up for a dinner party with some tri friends, i'm unplugging. I have turned off the phone, the TV, music...I picked up a book and I'm catching up on blogs.

I had a pretty successful weekend. Saturday morning was a local 5k. I have not raced a 5k on the road in quite some time. But the owner of Bishop's Bicycles (for whom I ride) wanted us to come out and represent in Milford. I pre-registered. And let me tell you, had I not, I'm pretty sure I would've slept in. After a night of hoppy brews and chicken nachos, I awoke to pouring rain!

Luckily, it let up just before the race and led to nearly perfect conditions, except for some screaming humidity. I lined up after a couple mile warm-up with some svelte girls who looked a little serious and at the sound of the gun, I took off. I kept it under control and clicked away the first mile in 6:16. That's when the girl I was running with dropped back. I knew my second mile was slower (6:30) and I tried to pick it up again the last mile, but it was much like doing track work alone...there was no one around. Last mile was 6:26. Total time of 19:49 and good enough for the win.

This race was to benefit St Vincent dePaul, so there were all kinds of goodies being raffled away at the end. I took home my trophy, 4 vouchers for free DQ cones AND I won a $50 gift card to Applebee's. Not a bad return on a $15 race entry.

I had a long run on the schedule for that day, so when I got home and walked the dogs, I went back out for another 10 miles. 7:40 pace. Legs were feeling good, but it was sweltering by noon...

Sunday morning was Ride Cincinnati!! It's a ride to raise money for breast cancer research. Amazingly, they raised over $1million. Quite a few from our team were out there and we all stayed together until the turn around at mile 31 and then we kinda split up on the way back into town. I got to catch up with friends and gain some new ones...and I got in 62 miles before 10am. Not a bad way to start the day. (i;m the short one in the middle acting goofy. go figure)

Today was back to work...and work is getting a little crazy. Nearing end of quarter. And I've been battling some things, mentally, with training and family and relationships. And I've had my fair share of run-ins with being ill already this season, so I'm taking care of me, trying to reduce the stress level that makes me feel on pins and needles with a million little obligations or hurtful words or critical remarks. Because I want to be well and I want to do well. I have goals for the season and if I allow others' wants and needs come before mine, I'm losing sight. And sometimes, maybe I do that as a means of distraction from accomplishment?

"Each time I follow my deepest desires, fear is there wringing her hands, cautioning me with her litanies of what-ifs. I do not try to counter with reasonable arguments about acceptable risks. I no longer try to shame myself into action with admonishments to stop being the wimp, nor do i pretend to be unafraid. I simply move in the direction I have chosen to go, taking care to do the things I know will help me keep the fear at a level that allows me to continue to feel it and yet still keep moving. I put myself to bed early, eat well, sit with friends, take long walks by the lake. I have learned that doing things the hardest way provides no currency to be traded for greater future rewards." - Oriah

updates on life

2011-06-07T21:56:00.000-04:00

So, since TTT, I decided I'd take a week or two of easy training before ramping up again for IMKY training. It's gonna be a loooong season with ITU LC Worlds in November. The first week, I did take it easy....until Memorial Day weekend. That Saturday, I rode about 80 miles, most of whic was with my buddy, Ack. And then Sunday, I just did an easy 8 miles. It was hot and my legs were toast still. Then Monday, a 50 mile ride, which started with Pater and ended alone. I did get to start my cycling tan lines, which are pretty rockin' at this point.

On Tuesday, I started a cleanse, with supplements and by later that day, I was sick. That's when the "unplanned but likely necessary rest" began. I felt ok by friday, went for a speedy 6 mile run in the morn. And hung out friday night. Saturday, I went for a run in the morning to get my car...and felt GREAT!

As I was nearing home, in said car (aka beater), I got put in time out by a cop. Long story... I was in the wrong. I mean, I just wanted to get home and I didn't put anyone in danger, but I was being impatient. So, this cop told me to pull into this parking lot and I did. And after all was said and done, he never said another word to me. He just wanted me to suffer. And i was soooo hungry!!

So, I went to Kroger and got a veggie roll and decided to drive up to the bike shop where I used to work to check things out. before I left, I got really sleepy, but I told myself I could take a nap when I got back home. By the time I walked into Wheelie Fun, it wasn't two minutes before that veggie roll was coming back up. And let me tell ya, soy and wasabi kinda burns on the way back up....Another 25 mins or so and I was back to the toilet. The boys gave me some Gatorade and I was on my way back home to sleep (yes!!). And that's when I hit the stand still traffic jam...and saw the ambulance, police and fire truck go by. And then, I felt it coming again... and I had to open my door and vomit up the gatorade.

Let me tell ya....I haven't puked in a long long time. And it's not fun, kids.

But, by Sunday, I was feeling a bit better so I went for a nice hard 2 hour ride by myself. And then to the pool for some sun. and fun. and beer. and sun.

I got a little fried. But it was worth it. And Monday evening, I was planning on a nice easy lone ride. Put in my ipod headphones and headed out...and caught a dingleberry. Now, no one likes a dingleberry. Amiright? Guy hung on my wheel after I passed. And after 3 miles, I asked if he wanted to pull and all he could say was "no, i like the pace!". wha??? So, I kept hammering and on a downhill, he and his buddy passed. Of course, because they each had at least 40 pounds on me. And he then told me "you're doing Great!" Um....really? I don't really need your encouragement. It was ME pulling YOU aruond for the last five miles at 21 mph. k, thanks.

Anyway....I get to the turn around and actually see some guys I know and would actually enjoy riding with. So i too out my earphone and I caught them and it was a hammerfest home, in which two of us fell off.

And tonight's 7x400 workout was feeling that ride. The workout called for 5k pace. And they were all within 3 seconds of 1:30, if not right on it, so that was nice.

In other news, I'm single again. But that's really no surprise since I'm not sure I've declared myself as in a relationship. Guess things happen fast when you never blog. But this should allow for more time to do so....so expect some more interesting stuff, rather than just boring workouts.

Oh yeah. I also got another pug. Her name is Carmen and she's fucking adorable. Has a retard tongue. But I don't even care.

TTT strikes again!

2011-06-02T20:15:00.000-04:00

American Triple T Ohio was just a week and a half ago and already, it feels like it was forever ago. So, this race report is a bit belated, as are all posts and blog reading done by me right now.

If you don't know the format of this race weekend, it's 4 races in three days. Simply put (as stated on the back of the mandatorily worn jerseys) 4 triathlons, 3 days, 140+ miles, 1 epic event. Or something like that... Basically, you have an Ironman split up into four races.

It begins on Friday evening at 5 with a super sprint. 250m swim, 5 mile bike, mile run. All I really remember was that the water was cold and my heart rate was jacked, but I was tryin to keep it easy because I knew what lie ahead from last year. Finished in a seemingly slow 26:11. After the race, we took a quick dip in the hillbilly ice bath (aka- the creek) and went to get some grub at the lodge.

There were seven of us staying in a cabin about a mile from the start line. Good people, but a packed place, to say the least. Didn't get much sleep and woke up starving after a shit salad dinner.

Race #2 is on Saturday morning at 7:30am...an Olympic distance tri. The bike course is a little technical and SUPER hilly. Again, I tried to keep my cool and just ride and run relaxed. There is a crazy downhill on one section that is super steep and gravely, so I probably lost some time there, but it didn't matter too much. Got out to the run course. Man, I had forgotten how bad those hills are on that trail! But ran calm and collected. Finished in 2:35.

And back to the cabin for some grub and a quick nap. And a butt rub :)

Race #3 is also an Olympic distance and on Saturday afternoon at 3. BUT the order is changed up slightly to increase the challenge. Bike, swim run. And the bike course is different than the morning course. Still just as challenging, though not so technical. Straight up, down, some flat, turn around, flat, up, down into T1. Not so bad. until you try to get a wetsuit on when you're all sweaty! Oh, and did I mention that the weather in OH broke just in time for this weekend. It was about 85 degrees that afternoon. Swim actually felt really good. I just relaxed and got into a groove and cooled off so the run wouldn't feel so dang hot. Out of the water, wetsuit stripped, shoes on and out for the run. Which hurt a lot more the second time that day than the first. But it was over before I knew it. Finished in 2:40.

Again, back to the cabin for a quick clean up, a beer and to the lodge for food. I opted for a burger and sweet potato fries. I was hungry and wanted meat. Don't judge me.

Race #4 is a half ironman at 7 am on Sunday. Swim...well, the whole first loop, I could feel my shoulders. They finally warmed up and I had a pretty much even split for each loop. And then to the bike. YIKES. legs were kinda achy by this point. And that first loop felt pretty brutal. There was a left hand turn after a huge uphill and I underestimated the hair-pinness of it, skidded a tad, recovered and was shaky the rest of the way down. I got passed quite a bit there, but my sunglasses were fogging up and I just wasn't willing to risk crashing. It was getting pretty hot by this point. I was feeling a little weak, decided to empty my bottles, hit the turn around, refilled and set out for loop number two on the bike. And that's when I began to know I was going to make it. I focused on taking in calories, fluids, and just noted all the places I'd already hit. And before I knew it, the big climbs were over and we were headed into T2! Off teh bike, onto the hot hot trail run...

And that's where the fun began. I let my gut hang out, ran as much as I could, cheered everyone coming the opposite direction. The course is out and back. Twice. And it's uphill, downhill, turn, back uphill, downhill. On the back side uphill, I started walking...just as a couple teammates were running downhill saying "Amanda! you're not supposed to be walking!" Ugh. Then, as I was running downhill, I passed another couple team members, one of whom was about to run in front of me or something...and all i could say was "pleeeaaase don't fuck with me!". Back around to the finsh area, where you turn and head out for another loop. Ok. One more loop. Just two more hills. I passed a bunch of people here, kept cheering for others, kept trucking. Passed a couple more teammates, apologized for being rude but EVERY INCH of my body was hurting. Finally, I hit the final downhill and knew I was golden. All I could think about was lying in that cold ass creek. Finally finished in 5:52.

I took 3rd in the solo female senior division. Awesome race. I still love it. As much as it hurts. And I'm sure I'll go back again next year.

The Good Life

2011-05-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have it; The good life.

Despite a little setback with my kidneys, which appears to be fine now, training appears to be going really well. I mean, I''ve taken my secret weapon out for 5am mile repeats on the track and came in at 6:12, 6:12, 6:12 and 6:14. And I've had some great long and hard rides. Judi and I did some good mileage despite getting caught in a dowpour the weekend before last.

Yesterday was, yet another, rainy day in Cincy. And also the day of the Flying PIg Marathon and Half Marathon. I partook in the latter. I had a goal in mind, but I was very afraid of this goal. Last year, I ran 1:33.40 and it was my first half mary. This was my second, but I'm running much better this year, so I wanted to go 1:30. It's a hilly course. And I had a good plan in place.

But, as we all know, things don't always go according to plan. I started out with the 1:30 half/3:00 full pace group. And for the first 5 miles, things felt easy. And then, I got off track, mentally. I started thinking about how much it might hurt later, I got away from how I was feeling at the moment. I got a cup of water and the pace group gapped away. I totally panicked. I knew the big hill was coming and I knew i didn't want to surge, so I stayed back, freaked out. Marc was with me, and told me to just break the hill into sections. I did. My pace dropped as I watched my Garmin pace sink further than i liked. I gave a kid a high five on the way up the hill. I got to the top, no longer able to even see the pace group. At the top of the hill, I totally broke. My 1:30 was out the window. I knew it. Despite Marc's encouraging words and telling me we were going to "reel some bitches in", I stopped in the middle of the road, shouted "i can't do this. it's too much pressure". It was right before the full/half split. the girl right in front of me yelled back at me "Just run. I'm doing the whole thing". So I did.

I picked myself up, and started running.

Marc turned off to meet me later (he's doing Cleveland in two weeks, so he just had to be out there for support for his runners). The next couple miles, I just tried to regain my composure. I saw some friends cheering and then my dad (who took this pic - eerily similar to last year with the dark rain). I passed through mile 9 at a 1:33 pace and then mile 10 at a 1:34 pace. WTF? I got pissed. And then I just decided to enjoy myself if I was going to be slow. I thanked all the officers blocking traffic, I smiled at the crowd and just got in a better place.

Marc rejoined me and we went downhill. I focused on keeping my legs beneath me and just churned along, refusing to look at my splits, but feeling the vibration and beep with each mile that ticked by. Marc told me I was "smoking it", but I didn't know whether to believe it since he'd been telling me I was doing good all along. Once back into downtown, we had an out and back and i saw the pace group...not too far ahead, maybe a couple mins?

Before he turned off again, with just a few tenths of a mile left, Marc told me I was running 6:20s. WHHAAAAT? Really? I kicked it in as hard as I could and finished 13th in 1:31.31.

I have a lot to take away from this race. It was a PR, which I should be thrilled about...but I let my head get the best of me for a bit. The good news, I was able to regain my composure and get my head back in the game. So, I basically need to figure out how to not reach that breaking point.

I've talked to quite a few people about it today. My coach suggested I shout at those negative thoughts when they creep in. And my training buddy from IM#1 reminded me of just how grateful i should be to be able to do these things. A coworker just thought the whole things was amazing. And Marc let me know he's been there before.

We have good days and bad, but in the end, a good life is what it's all about. And even if every day isn't a good day, this is a good life.

Wow. What happened??

2011-04-02T09:44:00.000-04:00

I have not posted in, well, a veeeerry long time (by blogging standards). And it's not for lack of things to talk about. SO much has happened. In fact, the amount of activity in my life is the very reason I've been away so long. In the last few weeks, I have beat my boyfriend at beer mile and set a new Cincy record of 9:08. I promise next time it will be faster.

And I've moved into my own place. I have all my stuff again. I slept in my bed for the first time in ten months last weekend. All my stuff is OUT of storage. the morning we moved it all, I almost cried. It's been a hell of a year and, once again, I made it out alive.

I've made some new friends with Bishops new Ladies Cycling team. And I rode my first road race as apart of the team. And then during the second race (which was very hilly and suited to me, my rear derailleur cable snapped. when i was in big 12. awesome).

I've also gotten in some epic training. I have a new secret weapon. And he's helping me run fast. Mile repeats of 6:08. 6:03, 5:55 (after a good number of hundreds). And he encouraged me, standing on the sidelines cheering at 5:30am as I have a meltdown cause the following week I can only manage to run 6:16s. He gets up with me at 4:30 to run a couple hours before work. And he joins me for my brick runs.

I've been on the trainer quite a bit and waiting for the weather to break! But at least I have some bad ass (literally) bibs for our new tri team cycling kit.

And swims have been fabulously. Our coach is getting married this weekend and we gave him a pretty good send off with t-shirts with his face on the back and a funny quip on the front. And this is what we all look like at 5:30 am. Awesome hair.

I got in my first century with new friends yesterday. And got rained on. And i'm not sure it got above 45 degrees yesterday. More awesome hair.

And now I have to jet off again for a group ride and some QT with Judi!

Rest. It does a body good.

2011-03-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

Ahhh.... A rest week!
That means just something like 12 hours.

So, I'm going to address something...and it's something a lot of people ask about. And it's something Melissa asked about on my last post. How, exactly, does one fit in a massive training load of, say, 21 hours?

Well, basically, it IS difficult. And it does require some sacrifice. But at the same time, it's what I LOVE to do. I was so tired last Monday (going into week three of a 3 week build) that I came home, plowed some blue corn chips and mango salsa and assed out at 7:30. Only to get up at 4am for swim practice. And then, Wednesday, I was up at 4 for a two hour speed workout. And then a ride into work (in 32 degrees) and a ride after work, to get up at 4:30am and go back to swim practice.

basically, these kinda weeks are train, work, train, sleep, train, work, train, sleep, and lots of eating in between. And these are also the weeks that i feel ZERO guilt about getting back on the coffee. Or having crazy cravings for frosted donettes, ya know, the c-store variety.

But here's the deal...I socialize while i train. And i hang out with people that understand that. Because they do it to. I just also tend to hang with the people that also train. Those people have become my best friends. And biggest supporters.

So, I suffer a week (or three) for weeks like this, when i may have more time to blog...

And I get time to relax. And maybe even feel guilty. But, really, I've learned that it's all about balance. And I have some pretty great people in my life to help me out, like boys that have hot tubs and like to sleep with Clubby.

Forgive me...

2011-02-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

Ya know, if I seem more out of it than normal. It was a big weekend. And I'm exhausted. I may have blacked out while sitting at my desk today...

Saturday was the Frosty 14 mile trail race. I was really nervous because I haven't run a trail since tecumseh Trail marathon in early December...and my runs haven't been overly long. And I was coming off the second of three hard training weeks. I went out and just decided to stay on the heels of the girl who won Tecumseh. There was a whole line of folks behind us. I stayed with her until about the six mile mark, when I got impatient and went for a pass on an uphill. And I ran scared for the next eight miles. One other guy and i were going back and forth for a bit...and wouldn't ya know, dude outsprinted me in the last 5 meters. I couldn't hear him coming (or my heavy breathing the whole race) because I had some Kanye blasting in my ears.

I ended up 2nd female. And I was really happy with it. It was sooo muddy! It had rained the week leading up to and the course was out and back, so it was slippy, slidey, grab some trees to get up hills kinda running.

And then I went to work at the shop for a few hours.

And Sunday was a nice long ride in preparation for HOS, the crazy 200 miler next month. I set out from home and got in almost 20 miles before meeting up with the Bishops crew for a about 52 miles...and lots of climbs. I'm racing for these guys this year, so it was nice to get out and ride with them. Then, Ack and I went out and did another 20 something miles...before we got dumped on with some big ass rain drops.

Luckily, he has a very awesome wife who came and picked our wet asses up. And I got home, only to devour some food and get some sleep.

More storms ensued in the night and I was awoken by tornado sirens at 5am...

So, yes, I'm tired. And I'm taking the evening off because there are 21 hours on the schedule this week. And I can't wait!

It's all good...i think

2011-02-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

So, my little tiny Clubber appears to be doing well. We had blood drawn at the vet on Monday and the results all came back fine. She's been full of spunk and vigor. She gets a little sketchy at night. I think she knows that what occurred wasn't normal and might be a little frightened...dogs are way smarter than we tend to give credit. My senses are also on high alert, so when she awakes every hour and sits up on the edge of the bed, I awake. Sleep has been a bit rough this week...

But training has been pretty fabulous. I even got outside for a 90 minute ride on Wednesday after work with Ack! My dumbass didn't bring shoe covers...and when it's cold enough to wear full-fingered gloves, it's probably cold enough to, at least have toe covers. It was great to be outside though. Because every other day, we've had some torrential downpours. And this morning, it snowed! blah.

Thursday morning, swim practice was lacking some of the super fast guys, so I moved up to a fast lane. And, wow, I love it up there. I get a challenge and I have fun. There were some pulls sets, some fin sets, some kick sets, some fast swimming and all in all, 3700.

Runs have also been going quite well. Last night, I ran straight through the production crew for Clooney's new movie The Ides of March, that they're filming here. I almost stopped and asked one of the security guys why all the trailers and pretty people standing about smoking cigarettes... Glad I didn't because it occurred to me what it was while I was out there.

Tomorrow is the Frosty 14 trail race. And a bunch of my buddies are down the USVI for 8 Tuff miles, which is some insane hill race in paradise. Should be fun for all!

I am not prepared

2011-02-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

This blog has always contained a little bit of life and a little bit of training, a lot vulnerability and possibly too much detail.

And this post is none different.

This last week was INCREDIBLE! We, in the Midwest, got a tease of Spring. On Sunday, I got out for close to 70 miles on the bike. It was a ride full of hills and speed and wind. And me sucking the wheel of very strong male rider. Afterward, I was toast! In a really good way. The remainder of the week contained track work and crazy swim sessions and a couple trainer rides. And then came Friday...

I awoke at 2:30am to pee. After tossing and turning for an hour and a half, I just decided to get up and do my long run instead of trying to cram it in before going to the shop on Saturday. Two hours of night running in shorts and a sports bra, watching the city wake up and seeing another freak or two out running in the dark as well. It was the perfect start to a Friday prior to a nice long three day weekend. I rode my bike into work and at 5pm, I was on my way out the door for an hour and a half of daylight riding!

Saturday was at the shop. Everyone gets excited about riding again when it gets nice out, so there wasn't much down time. Clubber and Sid (my dog and Tom;s, the manager, dog) got to hang out all day, greeting customers.
And then I went to pick up the paperwork for the team I'm joining. Yes, I'm racing bikes for a team this year. There are nine of us girls and I'm really excited about the opportunity!

I woke yesterday to ice rain. Ugh. The cold came back. Trainer ride, weights, swim. And then hit the sack early...

when I was awoken by Clubber kicking my head. She likes to overtake my pillows at night. At first, I just thought she was having a dream (sometimes, she runs in her dreams), but when I moved her and realized she was awake, I knew that wasn't the case at all. The actual events that occurred next are blurry. I know I turned on the light. I must've set her down on the middle of the bed because I later realized she urinated right in the middle of it. She was convulsing, legs rigid, kicking, squirning. Immediately, I picked her up and tried to calm her. I took her downstairs, unsure yet what was happening. Her breathing was shallow and rapid. I felt like she was fighting me, so I set her on the floor. She felt over legs sprawled out, tensed up. It was the most horrific scene... I was screaming and crying and holding her as tightly as i could. What seemed like forever, but was likely no more than five minutes, the spasms continued. And I realized what I was witnessing was a seizure.

When it ended, I took her back to bed and did some research on the 'nets on my phone as she snored next to me. It appears to be one of two things: PDE (Pug dog encephalitis) or epilepsy. If it's the first, she doesn't have much time.

I was supposed to have a massage today. And I was so excited about it. But I can't bear to leave her sight. She's been sleeping on my lap all morning.

This is the one little thing that has been a constant in my last eight years. So much has happened in that time. I've been married and divorced, quit a job, got a new job, moved all over the place, bought and sold houses, had roommates, lived alone, trained for IM, run marathons, stumbles, got back up, laughed, cried, hurt, and loved. And she's been there through it all, to help comfort me, sometimes, just to be the reason I get out of bed.

To have a dog is a selfish thing. I realize that. And I've lost a lot of things in this life. And I'm just not prepared to lose this one. And I guess I never thought that day would come.And I'm not saying it has now, but the very thought that it may has me scared.

Broccoli for breakfast

2011-02-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

Whoa! What a week! Last Saturday was a six hour ROGAINE with my buddy. For those of you who don't know what this is...it's an orienteering race. Basically, you get a topography map at 1/24,000 to scale, plotted with checkpoints that you must hit to gain points. The faster you make the course and the more checkpoints you hit (or the more you hit with higher points, the higher the points, the more difficult they are to get to) the better off you are. Some trails are marked, some roads are marked, but not all are. And many times, you have to bushwhack.

We had fun! It was wet and cold and we got rain, ice, sleet AND snow throughout the day.

Unfortunately, all that fun bushwhacking through briar patches left me with some not so pretty legs...

Guess it's a good thing that it's winter and mighty cold in these parts so they weren't on for show!

It also just so happened that I had a scheduled recovery week... that means only 11 training hours scheduled! And I needed that because it was also a week of Super Bowl parties, corporate sales meetings and a need a to take some time off the legs after 3 full weeks of pretty intense training.

But....just my luck, my legs were aching the couple days post race (my buddy is a sub-3 hour Pig marathoner, so we were SPRINTINg those last few miles)...and we had a major kick set at swim practice on Tuesday morning. I suck at kicking and I kinda hate it already, so 1k of kicking is brutal, even without the pain setting in. The first few times through the set, I took it easy. Then I realized it was kinda loosening me up (I am ALL endurance, so this shouldn't strike me as odd, but it always does) so for the last couple, I was right there. I just put my head down, kicked and got on.

The next few days are somewhat of a blur. I did train every day. But I also had two work dinners, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. And the start of dinner was close to my typical bedtime on Thursday, so I was out til midnight. Ugh!

After a cleanse, things like NY strip, beer, red wine, creamed spinach, cheesecake, well, let's just say they feel like poison to the body. Friday wasn't the best day I've had. But the good thing about having days where you binge on things you don't typically do, you regain some focus. And you re-ignite a fire for those things that are healthy. And you want to get fitter and faster. Not fatter.

So today, it was an early run, followed by broccoli for breakfast (see! I'm finally tying it in:)) And then oatmeal for lunch (instead of pizza that they ordered at the shop). Backward? Maybe. But veggies tend to fill me up with the fiber, so I kinda like them in the morn!

And even though I'm working 6 days a week. And I feel INCREDIBLY guilty for leaving Clubby lots of times, I did find that the bike shop work was very gratifying today. I love the people I work with there. And I met lots of new people. Conversed with old friends. And people I didn't even know had an interest told me they're fans of the blog.

So, thanks for reading.

And, damn...it's still like 40 degrees outside. Time for an awesome four hour ride tomorrow!!

Yep, that's right. I'm stylish...

2011-02-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

Mike tagged me with a Stylish blogger award. Go visit him. And now, you guys get to learn a little about me (as if I didn't already give you it all). Because of him.
The award involves doing the following:

1. Make a post and link back to the person who tagged you with the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award to 7 great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them they've won.

So, yeah, about me:
1. I LOVE to read. Love it. Always have. Memoirs are my fave.
2. I am divorced. I got married very young. And I learned that marriage doesn't fix problems. In fact, it may enhance them.
3. I need alone time. Absolutely NEED it. I mean, if I don't get some every day, I start to flake out and get irritable and crazy. Between working full time at the bank, on Saturdays at the shop, training and a bit of a social life, I don't mind spending weekend nights alone.
4. I like to do crossword puzzles.
5. I haven't been to a salon in over three years. But I love to paint my fingernails, pluck my eyebrows, wear heels and get dolled up.
6. I make cards. I don't know how to describe it, but I paint them. If you want one, send me your address and you will see.
7. I have been to Italy, Belize, Mexico, Canada, Australia...and I'm kinda thinking I'm saving up for Ireland.

And I'm also very behind on blog reading, so if you guys have been tagged, forgive me, but here you are...
Chloe
Big Daddy Diesel
Christi
Matty O
Carolina John
Everett
and, last, but certainly not least... Zen (come on, Zen, give us something, ya know, besides half naked chicks:))

Dear PMS,

2011-02-05T05:00:00.000-05:00

There are things I enjoy much more than you. I will not allow you to interfere with my race today, as much as you may try to take from my experience of running through the woods. I will do my best to not allow you to interfere with my judgment and get all pissy with my teammate when he gets lost. And I will not succumb to your your whining, driveling ways. My pain tolerance will not be lessened. After that six hours of racing, I will let you win and I will give my body a nice long sleep and not wake it for the purpose of training in the morning.

Many thanks,
Amanda

Change

2011-01-31T19:40:00.000-05:00

I talk a lot about it on here. Probably because it's the only thing that is constant. Change is inevitable. And it keeps happening, whether we like it or not.

Things change for the better. And for the worse.

Over the last three weeks, I've changed my diet. And as skeptical as others were (and admittedly, as I was), it actually had a vast impact on me. On a cleanse, it is virtually impossible to snack. I snack a lot. Or I used to. It would be a chocolate passing a coworkers desk. Or a bag of (seemingly healthy) sunchips. Now, no more! Now, snacking is a piece of fruit. Or some veggies. But mostly, it just doesn't occur.

I'm finally to the point when I don't even miss coffee. There are no lulls in the mid-morning when I feel I need a jolt of caffeine. When I have lunch, I don't need a diet soda. I crave water. And the cravings...you know those that make you think you want a piece of chocolate after lunch? Gone!

The best part is, I got in about 18 hours of training last week. And I didn't feel overly tired or overly sore. And my legs didn't swell. I haven't had preservatives in three weeks. I feel like a new person. My runs have gotten easier. I've lost a few pounds. And I sleep through the night (except for one night when I dreamt I was pregnant...don't ask).

Another change...I have zero discontent in my life right now. I mean, yes, I wish the weather were nice. And I wish the sun was shining every day. And I wish I could go out and run in shorts and ride outside...but, life, in general, is pretty damn awesome.

I absolutely love my job. It's great to be surrounded by people who appreciate what you do and the tie you put in.

I'm also working one day a week at the bike shop. And as slow as it's been through the winter, I love that place (even though it almost burned to the ground on Saturday) and the people I work with.

I have a great team. An amazing family. And incredible friends.

I could have said this all six months ago, but there would've been a hesitancy about it all. Today, it's genuine. Training is going fabulously. And I love my modest life. Even if Saturday evening only consists of grocery shopping and going to bed early.

Everything really does happen for a reason. And sometimes, we just have to get through some shit to see that reality.

Oh man...

2011-01-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

Life has been kinda crazy as of late for various reasons. This past week has been a bit of a blur. There was a three-day weekend that went by all too fast. And lots of work. And meetings. And training sessions. Though not much in the way of socializing.

Saturday morning started off with a lactate threshold test on the bike. And then off to work at the bike shop. Wow. I missed that place. SOooo much different than corporate world. By the time I got home that night, I was ready to crash.

Sunday was a nice long run. I awoke willing to give my left leg for a pancake, but instead had a banana...and off I went for 13 miles. It was glorious. And cold, like 21 degrees. But I enjoyed every minute of hills. I later went to the gym for some weights and core work.

Monday was the Holiday. And I actually worked from home. I awoke and worked and decided not to leave the house until the work was done. That was before a two hour trainer ride, which, to my surprise was somewhat taxing. Coach has us doing these one leg drills. I am so not skilled. But I am convinced that I will improve.

This week at work has been pretty insane, so I find myself reaaaaally looking forward to my training sessions. Ironically, I did mile repeats on the track yesterday morning in 40 degree weather. And today after work, I cancelled my run because we were getting more white death. By the time i was making the trek home at 4:30, there was about 4-5 inches. And the snow kept getting under my pants leg and chilling my ankles.

So, this cleanse? Um,...it's not exactly easy. Especially when training 2-3 hours a day. In fact, tomorrow I get to introduce organic free range chicken and fish. And. I. Can't. Wait. The guys at work are having a heyday with this. Every day, I get invited to go eat lunch at the pizza buffet. Or Chipotle. Or to join them for coffee. Or go to happy hour. Fucking hilarious. Tonight, I caved and had a heaping spoon of natural peanut butter. Nuts are not on the cleanse, but seriously, I'm not out to purge my system, just to get rid of the preservatives and crap in my diet. So I don't feel so bad. I just needed something to make me not feel ravenous. I really wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so at least I didn't go off the deep end.

I don't know I've lost ant significant weight, but I do feel better on the whole. Save for last night, I've slept better this past ten nine days than I have in a very long time. And my legs aren't swelling like they usually do with a heavy training load. And I generally just feel good. In fact, this morning at swim practice, a fellow swimmer told me I was "on fire today". I'm not sure if I was actually swimming any faster, but I didn't feel like I just wanted to stop.

A more intense hunger and a bit of fatigue has hit the last couple days and despite that, I was thinking last night about how if I went to a pub right now, I most definitely wouldn't be ordering a burger and fries. Too heavy! And I think a large portion of bread and/or cheese would make me feel lethargic. I'm quite enjoying these veggie based meals. So, don't be surprised if my diet changes for the better permanently. If that's all I get from this, I'm a happy camper.

Opportunities

2011-01-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have the Wall Street Journal sitting on my desk at work. It's from 12/31/10. And it's just the entertainment section. I picked it up a week or so ago with intentions of reading the cover story "Cultural Resolutions" in which artists share their goals for the coming year. I don't know why I hadn't read it until now, but it's intriguing and inspiring to see that even simple things can be goals. Nanette Lepore, a designer, wants to do "more flirting, including with her husband". Ozzy Osbourne: "I'm still alive, so I would say that I was successful with my one resolution last year". There is a pianist who "intends to do the most difficult thing - to make people dance" and a Danish artist who wants to "create a work of art that only consists of a feeling". David Shore, creator and producer of "House": "i want to find something else that inspires me." Isn't that always a fabulous goal? hmm...

So, the beginning of the year provides this opportunity to formulate new goals. And I've been tossing some around in my head, but I think it's time I actually get a few of them down on paper.

I've actually already started one. This "cleanse". It's not a cleanse so much to remove the toxins from my body as it is to remove the shit from my diet. I've tried, unsuccessfully on a few occasions to clean up my diet. And I always fail. I figured a good sweeping of all the bad (like diet soda, coffee, sugar, vending machine snacks, the crap I want before I go to bed at night...) was a good way to get there. It's a focused attempt at breaking some bad habits. Seriously, they're habits at this point. I used to have that coffee every morning because it was what I always did. And the Coke Zero at lunch? The same. And having something sweet after lunch? yup. HABIT! The idea is that I will bbreak these habits after three weeks, and therefore eat cleaner all the time.

Already, I've noticed changes. I don't get overly hungry (which, yes, Zen, I'm sure comes from my food choices that create a spike and then a dip in blood sugar), but I also don't get overly full. I was eating pretty well; plenty of fruits and vegetables. But probably too much sugar, bread, crackers, and...beer. Now, well, now it's lotsa water, which leaves me with better hydrated skin! It just so happens to be a recovery week, so maybe that has something to do with it, but I have steady energy throughout the day. I don't have that dread after work that there lies another trainer session. There is a slight dip in the mid-morning, but I think that will pass as I continue to cope without my caffeine. AND I'm sleeping through the night! That used to never happen. I can't wait to see what happens in the days to come.

That wasn't so bad

2011-01-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

Hmmm....The day started out snowing. It may have let up just a little, but it's snowing, yet again. I went to the store last night and it was a madhouse. Like el fucking muerto blanco is coming!!! Better load up on food because we might starve in a snow storm. Really? I hoofed it to and from work in the snow. People looked at me like I'm crazy. And I might be, but not for that reason.

But because of the snow, today was a trainer day. After walking home from work, I put some spaghetti squash in the oven and hopped on the bike for an hour of time trialing with Coach Troy. It warmed me up, so really, it wasn't that bad.

Today was also day #1 of "the cleanse". And I made it through successfully.

Now before you all start passing judgement about what this "cleanse" is, exactly, let me just tell you first and foremost, this is in no way a fast. It is simply a means of eating clean. REALLY clean.

It's 21 days long. And for the first 10 days, one can eat his weight in organic (non-starchy) vegetables. And have half as many servings of organic fruit. And you're allowed 1/2 cup brown rice or 1 cup lentils per day. And lots of water. Whey protein is also allowed (and recommended) in 2-3 shakes per day. There's just no meat. No dairy. No preservatives. No sugar. Spices and a couple tbsp of oil are also recommended.

Going in, I was terrified I'd be starving. But so far, I've not had any major low blood sugar moments or lingering hunger pains. I did, however, realize just how dependent upon caffeine I am. Not having that morning coffee is no bueno. The morning headache and sleepy eyes are something that will dissipate, but I'm not sure coffee is something I'll give up forever.

I actually didn't even have the rice/lentils today. I made the aforementioned spaghetti squash, which was topped with broccoli, carrots and a ginger sauce I mixed last night. Yum. I may feel differently in a few days, but for now, I'm feeling pretty good. 21 days is a long time though.

Off to a good start

2011-01-03T20:00:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I got in two fabulous outdoor rides and two longish runs. I also moved back to my old 'hood and made lots of food. It was a damn near fantastic.

Firday was so gloriously sunny and warm, with just a little crazy wind. I mean, shorts on the bike on December 31st?!? Yowza.

I had planned to start the year with a 5 mile race....but I woke to rain, which didn't scare me...but then my buddy called and told me it was $35 registration. And I just got my first real paycheck the day before. I think living like a miser cheapened me up. $7 a mile, or more than $1 a minute just seemed to rich for my blood. So, I bagged it. Instead, I got myself settled into my new digs. And that's when I discovered that I may have a clothes addiction. Half my clothes are still in storage and I have 32 tank tops. I also have about 14 pairs of jeans, 7 pairs of black tights, two huge drawers full of winter training clothes... just at this location! And I've downsized every time I've moved (which was more than a few times this year) and I haven't bought much of anything in the last six months.

But whatever. I waited 'til the sun decided to shine and went out for a nice 10 miles at a brisk pace. It was sooo nice to go out and run an old familiar course. Again, in shorts and a sports bra. The temps were dropping, but I was taking full advantage of the warmness that was.

Sunday morning was a scheduled run with a buddy of mine. Unfortunately, he bailed without really letting me know (hence the word: bailed). Fortunately, I recruited a cyclist buddy that signed up for IM St George so I was not alone. It was a coldish run. I went from wearing shorts and a sports bra on Saturday to tights, sleeves, jackets, gloves, hat on Sunday. I wasn't planning to go fast or hard, but I think the pace ended up fairly spirited.

After 13 miles, I arrived home to a text from Judi asking if I wanted to ride. I had just enough time to down a smoothie, a coffee and warm myself up before piling on riding layers and hitting some good hills for a couple hours. Let me just say that 30 degrees in crazy heavy wind is not the most fun riding I've ever had. And it's much more exhausting than you might think, but we had some good laughs and we're building back our friendship in a good way.

By the time I got home, I was ready to scarf some homemade black beans and rice, thaw in a hot shower and cuddle up with Clubber.

I think the only good thing about Monday is that I got to make the two mile trek to work and then again after work. The legs are feeling a little trashed as we acclimate back into base training, so the active recovery is a nice bonus. Plus, not fighting traffic and paying exorbitant parking fees, not to mention getting to watch the sun rise AND set is pretty cool.

Life is perfect

2010-12-31T21:44:00.000-05:00

I mean, it's perfect right now.
I haven't had much time to blog. Or even read blogs (work blocks them. gasp!)
But I've been making time for myself. And for training. And for sleep.

And right now...right now it's a little after 8pm on New Year's Eve. And I'm all alone in my new place. There are tunes playing and Clubber is on the floor gnawing on a bone. It's still 60 degrees outside (we got some freak heat wave). All the snow has melted. We can see grass for the first time since November. I got out this morning for a quick run...in shorts! I walked to work. I had teddy grahams and milk for breakfast. I walked to my car after work in a t-shirt. And then I went for a two hour ride with Judi...again, in shorts. And it was then that we witnessed a traffic jam going to a liquor warehouse. And a small black dog on the back of a motorcycle, complete with tank and riding goggles. No joke. I wove through traffic to pet the attention whore pup and chat it up with the driver.

I got a call from a friend after the ride who told me I sounded "euphoric". And i was. That was the most fun I'd had on a bike since September. The wind was howling and I worked, but it wasn't biting cold. And I was riding outside with a friend.

It's the last day of, yet another, tumultuous year...and I have more hope coursing through my veins than I've had in a very, very long time. And I can't say I know to what that's attributable. I've had some very special people help me through this year. And some of those people helped me even when I thought they were hurting me (and yes, Chris A is one of those special people). I had a great early season of races. I travelled with friends. I fell in love. I learned to ride with the race pace group. I left a job with which I was dissatisfied and complacent. I took a very big risk. I followed my heart. I had my heart broken and I cried with more emotion than I knew I had in me. And then I took a stand. I went go-cart racing. I abused my body, in both good and bad ways. I turned 30. I burried my head under the covers. I took home some money from races. I won my first tri. I worked at the bike shop and wore jeans and tanks and flip flops to work everyday!! I discovered that I'd be ok from flirting with some travelling Cervelo demo dude. I leaned on mom, on friends. I moved into my dad's basement. And i learned how it feels to be poor. I made new great friends. I developed a relationship with my step-mom that I didn't know could exist. I earned an even greater appreciation for my body and of what it's capable because the mind will push it through. I re-found myself through lots of talk, lots of alone time, lots of tears, lots of anger and lots of laughs. I attended my first gay wedding. I went on a beer tour. I qualified for ITU Long Course Worlds. I reconnected with old friends (thanks, FB). I learned how very important it is to be open to synchronicity. And I realized how much lighter life feels without a huge load of anger. I found that I have friends and family that believe in me more than I even believe in me. A job fell into my life. And I asked a question and got a place to live. I once again have this feeling that right where I am....is right where I'm supposed to be. And for that very fact, I'm grateful for all that occurred this year.

I can't think of a more perfect place to be to ring in a new year of adventure, seeking, learning, loving, desiring, hoping, discovering, finding....

Cheers to a fabulous 2011!

It's Christmas Eve!!

2010-12-24T20:07:00.001-05:00

And I just finished with a 90 minute trainer session. Funny how things change when you grow up, huh? I mean, 20 years ago, i'd have been setting a plate of cookies and milk with my little brother, hanging out in our pjs and waiting for the presents that would be waiting under (and around) the tree the next morning.

Not now. Now, I'm relaxing in jeans after my first full week back to work. And I've already had all but one Christmas. And I'm excited about going for a long run in the morning. And the fact that the days are getting longer after surviving the winter solstice earlier this week.

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I slept in til 5:30 this morning and felt both refreshed and like a slacker (because it wasn't time enough to allow for a workout). But it's not like I've been slacking. We did over 4k at swim practice the other morning. And I've been on the trainer more than few times this week. And last weekends runs were a blast. Oh, and the walk to and from work gets a little chilly, but it's good decompression time.

I got to spend some time last weekend with my brothers and nieces and nephews. They're so much fun! Almost enough fun to make me want some of my own. Almost.

But I do love them. ANd I've been blessed with some amazing friends and family.

It seems we choose certain times of the year to appreciate them, and this is one. And so many times we just look at visiting as a chore with the travel and the stress of picking out gifts and all the noise and chaos. But when we look back on it, these are usually the times that mean so much because we're all together.

Thank you to my friends and family. You guys are awesome. I love you all.

Merry Christmas everyone! Eat up and drink your cares away cause base training is on it's way :)

The white death

2010-12-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

It's come. We got our first real snowfall!!

Schools were shut down. and cars were off the roads.

luckily, this morning, I just had a trainer ride. And yesterday, I went for a long road run before most of the snow hit. It was cold and windy. And the pace started out kinda brisk.

I was with a guy who'd also done the trail marathon last weekend. And he's got an ultra in just four weeks. And I was game for a long run. It was a relief to hear him say "this is starting to hurt" with 7 miles to go. And that's when I busted out the emergency shot bloks. They saved the day until a couple miles left...when it really started to hurt...but we made it in.

And that run and the race last weekend are the things that have sparked something in me. something that i felt went into hiding over the last few months.

So today, I planned out a race calendar for the coming year. And it's stacked!

January entails the Frostbite 5, a Splash 'n' Dash, a trail race.
February, a 6 hour ROGAINE, a Splash 'n' Dash, a trail race
March, a Splash 'n' Dash and a trail race
April, Heart of the South 200, a trail race
may is the 1/2 Mary Pig and Triple T
June is a local tri
July is a half in upstate NY and possibly an Xterra tri
And late August isIMKY!!!
And then November is LC Worlds.

yay!

Four Christmases is coming.

And I picked up a Band of Horses album this evening. it's fab.

Challenges

2010-12-06T18:05:00.000-05:00

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes it meaningful."

It's been a strange few days. It's been a very, very good few days. I've been sick and I've just been allowing life to happen to me and I'm amazed by what I have come to learn in that period.

You see, I went into that trail marathon without having done one, so I didn't know what to expect. I figured it would be slow. I knew I would fall down. But I didn't know if I'd actually get through the race without tears and fear and frustration. But I smiled damn near every mile of that race.

And for the first time in a very long time, I feel powerful.

Seriously.

I know it may sound silly, but I feel like I overcame an obstacle that I didn't know I could climb over. But I did.

And today, I got a call from that place where I interviewed for four hours...and they gave me an offer. And I start on the 20th! Again, another obstacle I was afraid I wouldn't overcome. I was so fearful that my stint of unemployment would keep me from getting a real life job again.

And.....

I signed up for IM Louisville today. That's something I'll still have to overcome, but I finally feel free to be me, with no apologies, again.

Whew!

Also this week:
I had brunch with mom and talked about everything from fashion to relationships to business.
I stopped by an old friends house and caught up.
I skipped swim practice to rest for a race.
I travelled with a friend I hadn't seen in months. And we laughed.
I chatted on the phone with someone who knows me better than anyone.

And I appreciate these people more now than I ever did when they were in my life every day. Thank you and I love you all.

Ouch! My Tecumseh Trail Experience

2010-12-05T12:55:00.000-05:00

As you know, I've been sick all week with...I dunno. Sickness. Sore throat, congestion, major fatigue. So, my expectations going into this race were low, as in, FINISH.

We drove to Bloomington Friday evening and picked up our packets just a few moments before 8pm. We checked into our hotel, discussed race strategy, visited friends, debated over what to wear in the morning and went to bed.

And awoke Saturday morning to three inches of snow!!! I had coffee, a pumpkin pancake with honey and an apple and we cleaned off the car and headed to the race.

This is supposed to be a point to point marathon in which you park at the end and take a 50 min bus ride to the start. Well, due to road conditions, they announced that it was to be an out and back course, starting at the finish, turning and returning the way we came. This meant lots of traffic on single track course.

Four of us piled in a big SUV to stay warm and at about 5 til 10, we piled out to the start line. The first 3/4 mile or so is on fire road, so that was all about gaining position going into the woods. My goal was to just take it easy for the first half and if I felt good at the turnaround, take it in strong. i settled in with a nice group, including a few first timers, and my buddy, Grafton. the first few miles were full of laughs. And I think that's when I took my first and only spill in the snow. Before I knew it, we could hear the first aid station BLARING Christmas songs. I ran through that station since I was sportin' my camelback. (I figured it was better to be safe than sorry with as much fluid i would lose through snot, spit and sweat).

We then entered a beautiful pine forest. It looked like someone dimmed the lights and there were lots of roots, but it was beautifuL!!! The second aid station came quick. I stopped there, told Grafton I was feeling nauseas and thought "oh dear. this is gonna be a long day if I'm already feeling sick". But, I took off to catch Grafton and the gang. We went pretty easy for the long stretch to the next aid station, which proved very beneficial. And I knew it would. We walked the steeper uphills. I knew it wasn't worth the seconds of time compared to the energy output required.

Somewhere in there, I chewed a couple shot blocks. And I perked up again. I hit the third aid station and didn't stop. This is where we hit some fire road and I found some footing and took advantage to find a new group to run with. This section was a blur as I was starting to feel good. I hit the fourth aid station and grabbed a Gu. It was then that some guy mentioned that we were 11 miles in. WHAT??! I thought we were about 8 in, so I was relieved.

It was in this final little section that the leaders started coming back toward us. They were flying! We hit the turnaround and for the first time, my hammies started feeling kinda tight. i bent over to stretch and eek! BUT, there was downhill ahead, so I trudged on.

I hit that aid station and went right through, traveled on fire road again and cheered everyone on that was going the opposite way. People kept telling me I was sitting in 5th female position.

Aid station #6, I stopped and took a pee behind a tarp, ate a chocolate chip cookie, wanted to throw up, heard someone say we were 18.5 miles in and took off running again. At this point, I could tell the affect of sugar on my mood and run feel. When blood sugar was low, I'd wonder if I would finish, every body part screaming at me. i would focus on the pain in my toes, quads, the bouncing of my camelback creating hicky-looking chafe on my neck, the tightness of my hanstrings...uhhhh....

After a mile or two, I stopped, bent over, cheered another girl as she passed me, regained my composure, and went trucking along again, alone.

The second to last aid station, I stopped, got some gatorade, chatted with the volunteers and heard the first place person had just come through in 3:23!!! Another girl came up from behind me, looks me in the eye and says "This shit is HARD!! I've done 8 Ironmans and this tops them all." We exchanged (un)pleasantries for a moment and i took off again. Just 4.5 miles left. And the Christmas song aid station was coming up quick. I flew, solo, to that one, grabbed a water, a cookie, said thanks and headed to the finish.

I'd been told that last three miles was tough. And would feel like five. So, I just kept telling myself it would take longer than expected. I passed a few guys walking, I focused on the beauty of the lake we were rounding, the snow, and tried to block out the building nausea.

Suddenly, I was back on the uphill fire road. A guy came flying by, obviously feeling spry and said he couldn't wait to get some hot chocolate, which made me gag.

I saw the flags for the finish and was almost never more happy to finish a race. One of the biggest things that kept me running was fear of getting cold. I knew I was sweaty. And stopping would make me freeze. Plus, I hurt less running than walking. go figure.

My official time is 4:14.02. WAY better than I expected, even without being sick. It's a tough course. And that snow didn't exactly make things faster.

Afterward, I felt like throwing up. All night! And even today, I'm not feeling quite right. Thankfully, after hacking up pieces of lung the first few miles, my sinuses cleared out pretty well. I'm sore today, but I've felt worse. The tummy is what's more annoying.

Overall, amazing experience!!!! Beautiful, challenging course. And trail runners are tough ass people, I gotta tell ya that.

mememememememe!!!

2010-12-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

There are some things about me that most people don't know...and that you lucky readers now have the pleasure of learning.

- When I am sick, I sometimes feel high. And I swear my IQ drops more than a few digits. Seriously. And it's not because I take drugs. I don't. I'm far too sensitive. One dose of antihistimine and I won't shit for three days. On occasion, I'll throw back a Tylenol or Aleve, but it's rare. Back to being stupid...I have very little concentration. I can't speak correctly, and this post will likely be full of grammatical errors.

- I do not like to participate in others' drama. I don't really appreciate that someone posted anonymously on Judi's blog and brought me up in it. Seriously, wtf? (and i'm still trying to figure out who I know well enough that doesn't know how to spell "you're"). Also associated with this same point of other peoples drama, I've been disconnected with my bff. And I'm super sad. I feel like I've lost a limb.

- I look for a meaning in almost everything. I mean, I heard "Joey" by Concrete Blonde the last two evenings on the radio, and I'm wondering if there's a Joey that I need to not be angry with anymore? And I usually don't taper well, but being sick is forcing me to taper for Saturday...so maybe it's not such a bad thing?

- I am not very tidy. I vacuumed this evening and found four bobbypins and a lottery ticket from at least two months ago. But I do try to hang my clothes on a fairly regular basis. Though anyone who really knows me would probably refute this last statement.

- Man, I love me some cereal. And I eat it dry. By the handful. A box purchsed will be consumed wholly within the week.

- I really love my dog. Really. And some dude came into the shop the other day, saw Clubber, asked if she was mine, and when I said yes, he picked her up and said "of course she is! She's obviously a girl's dog" and then continued "no man would tolerate a dog like this". Umm....really? Everything that came out of his mouth after went in one ear and right out the other...until he asked me if a wetsuit was a "cold weather biking suit". Thanks to those of you on FB who recommended amazing comebacks to that. I wish I had thought quicker. But see my first point.

- I have a very skewed perception of "fun". I mean, it's gonna be in the high 20s, low 30s for this trail marathon on Saturday, and I am looking forward to it like a kid waiting for Santa. And now that I'm rested, I'm soooo looking forward to full fledged training. And getting back into the weight room.

- I have an uncanny ability of letting people justcloseenough to me before I get completely and totally terrified and back away. Like. you. wouldn't. believe. AND I justify it. SO, any of you out there to whom I've done this, you're reading it now: it's not you. It's me. But, strangely, those who get past this hiccup tend to be monumental forces in my life. And then end up leaving my ass. (hence my instinct to flee first) ho hum.

- I've got a dream. And I think I'm gonna go after it. Now. Ya know, that I'm 30 and I've got nothing else.

Yuck!

2010-11-30T18:35:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten how awful it feels to be sick. But it feels BAD! The constant headache, the kind that feels like your eyeballs might explode. And the scratchy sore throat, that if you were to simultaneously yell and raise your voice two octaves, you'd surely rupture some vocal chords. And the grogginess that makes you feel like you took about four Tylenol PM and then committed to an all-nighter. And then there are the aches. Oh, the aches! Like I just started back up at the gym after months away. Add to that sinus drainage and nausea, oh, and the lovely ashen color of the skin. Yeah, it's beautiful.

And I have a marathon in, wait, what day is it? um...four days? Ugh. I'm taking in as much fluid as I can. And the Vitamin C and Zinc are pulsing through my veins. I may or may not have slept 18 of the last 24 hours. Fun times. The last time I was sick like this was just before Triple T in the spring. And I had a fabulous weekend of racing, so let's hope this is just the universe's way of making me taper.

Before my hibernation period, I did have some fun. After an exciting Thanksgiving, complete with scrabble and headstands, a busy Black Friday and a not-so-busy Saturday at work, I got out for a mountain bike ride with a friend on Sunday. It was my first ride on a real bike with someone who knows how to ride. And I only went over the handle bars once! I asked for some tips, but I didn't really get any except, "try just using the back brake. that way you just slide out instead of flipping over". GENIUS!! So, yeah, it's not for my own riding ability that it only happened once. And I guess when you've been riding for 10 years, you forget what it's like to ride for the first time.

After a couple hours on the trails, I came home and went for an amazing hour run. I was feeling really inspired. Some new ideas and possibilities have come to light and they came through in my run. And then the dreaded sickness hit. Speaking of which, I need to go take a nap. I think my brain is melting and oozing out my nostrils.

i've got it good

2010-11-26T09:18:00.000-05:00

in the spirit of thanksgiving, i've been thinking all week about how good i've got it. i mean, i have a great family. my dad has taken me in. and he and my step mom have been nothing but welcoming and loving and supportive during this part of my life. and my mom has been helping me keep my head up. and my friends and training partners have been lifesavers.

i've got my health. and my body allows me to do things that my mind doesn't always believe possible.

thanksgiving morning started with an hour and a half swim practice. the comeraderie of a group of adults that get up to be in the pool by 5:30am on a holiday is pretty unreal. and a coach that is dedicated enough to get up to give us a workout is nearly unheardof.

and from there, a group of us went downtown to join 10,000 others for 101st running of the Thanksgiving Day 10k. the weather was predicted to be cold and rainy. and it was rainy. and very wet. but it ended up being about 57 degrees when i pulled up at 8:15.

i didn't have any real goals going into this race since i don't really know my fitness and i had just swam about 4k. but the previous night, i was lying in bed and i had this spark ignite in me that was just ready to take on the racing and the big workout. and to just have fun with it.

and i ended up running a 42:10, which i was really happy about. and i had fun. and i think nearly all the men i train with beat me. but not by a ton.

and from there, i joined about 100 others to socialize at a local spot before heading home for a hot shower and taking a friend to my mom's for turkey and crazy games of scrabble. it was 5pm before i realized i hadn't eaten since 7:30am. so it was a good thing there was a plethora of food. mom made an amazing meal. and there were lots of laughs. i went to bed last night feeling really fortunate. i need to tap into this more often.

idiocracy

2010-11-22T08:04:00.000-05:00

This morning, by 7am, I had already completed an 8 mile run, had coffee, a protein shake and was uploading pics on my netbook. Why? Well, it's a long story, but my phone died, which I typically use as an alarm clock. So, I was simply dependent upon my wrist watch and internal clock to wake me. When I saw that my watch read 5:15, I popped out of bed, got some coffee, took the Clubber out... and then saw that it was actually 4:36. Ugh. I hadn't set my watch back with the end of daylight savings. In short, I am an idiot.

The good news? This is what I was wearing for the run. In Ohio. On November 22. And it wasn't on a dare. And I was sweating! It doesn't even seem right. But I'm not complaining.

And yesterday, our team had a swim clinic. When seeing the bruises and scrapes up my legs, coach asked what happened. "I fell out running on the trails. I dunno. I'm an idiot?" his response? "We all are. Some of us just bruise easier."

Luckily, I went to my niece's birthday party Saturday evening and took a few laps around the roller skating rink. And didn't fall! But I did feel very unstable. And silly. But it was fun.

Oh...what else? Well, Thursday, I had a four hour interview with a bank. I'd forgotten what it was like to wear a suit and heels all day. I suppose I've been a little spoiled with wearing torn jeans and tanks and hoodies. I then stopped by my old office to cause some disruption. And then home for a quick change before heading to a wine tasting fundraiser for the Salvation Army. And it was on my way there that I began to panic a little

Until this point, I just assumed that the easy thing to do for right now would be to go back to what I know, career-wise. And then I realized what I'd be resigning myself to. Flourescent lighting. And long days. And lack of creativity. And sitting at a desk. In front of a computer. All day. Every day. And I'm not sure I'm really cut out for that. I suppose time will tell. I still have so many questions.

So, Friday, I got up and went for a run. And had lunch with old coworkers, stopped at Reser's to hang out before the moonlight ride, went for another run (which was better than the first!), got a quick snack and headed back to the bike shop for the social ride. And afterward, there was some more socializing. With beer and snacks and lots of laughs and fun, new friends and old.

In short, my days have been full. And yesterday, all I wanted to do was chill out and sit on the couch and read. But, as I mentioned, we had a swim clinic. And then Ack and I went for a trail run and then I had errands to run. Eight hours after leaving the house in the morning, I was back home to FINALLY sit down and read. But I fell asleep on the couch.

I awoke later, after dreaming of tootsie rolls and crying phone calls, to finish the Celestine Prophecy. And that book has me thinking. The premise is that there are no coincidences. Hmm. Who knows?

This coming week is, again, sure to be full with work and play and Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Time to get working on Christmas gifts and baking. And I suppose I should have a taper plan in place for this trail marathon in less than two weeks...

did ya really mean it when you said "talk to ya soon, Amanda"?

2010-11-16T16:34:00.000-05:00

it's cold and rainy today. and i have a belly full of black beans and rice spiced with some home grown chili peppers. and a bloody knee. a nearly dead telephone. a half read copy of The Celestine Prophecy. a little black pug snoring on my lap.

i can hear cars passing. the tick of a clock. and the rain.

the clock now reads 4:14. i intended to go for another run at 4. i declined an invite to a winter beer tasting this evening. so at least the run can occur later. maybe when the rain lets up.

but truth is, i'm kinda comfy right here on the couch with a book. i mean, it's not like i've done nothing today.

swim practice was awesome. per usual. i've said it a million times, but that group is just fun. and when i don't psych myself out, i usually surprise myself with what i'm capable of obtaining. it's strange really. i thought for sure there was no way i could do 5x100 on 1:30 where one of the 25s was breast stroke. but wouldn't ya know, it was done! and then there was a massive kick set. and then the real test. 4x500 on 7:00. i can do one 500 on 7:00, but 4?!? so, i went easy, stay relaxed for the first one. and nailed it. and then the second one, i started to panic. and the self-doubt crept in like you wouldn't believe. and i just let it go down the toilet and that one was like 7:14. i began to really envy those two lanes down doing 400 on 7:00. or even those four lanes down doing 300s. i remembered when a 300 on 7:00 would've been a challenge for me. it really wasn't so long ago. two and a half years ago... and then i don't even know what happened. but i think the whole lane fell apart. i sat out a 50. and tried to hang on. and the last 400 was definitely back to a relaxed pace. and we finished up with fast 50s.

that was before i hit the trails today. and took a beating. i ran into an old co-worker at the trail head. strangely. and then headed out on a familiar loop. i was a couple miles in when my foot snagged a root and i went skidding. i had leaves stuffed down my shorts and up the sleeves of my fleece. my left knee was dripping blood. my right hip and leg were covered in dirt and scratched. and i sat there, motionless, pain receptors firing like crazy. and i may have whimpered a little before hoisting myself up and dusting myself off. i momentarily considered cutting the run short and going back to my car. but everything loosened up again and i was content, dripping sweat from my forehead and breathing cool air.

now my knee is bandaged. and my head is groggy. and mine eyes want sleep. and i'll dream of that phone call. before i go for that next run.

randomosity

2010-11-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

I've not been blogging much as of late simply because, well, I find I'm drawing a blank. I mean, I'm doing lots, I just can't seem to find much worthy of writing. Perhaps I'm just too brain-dead after all the activity to be clever. But here's a smattering of thoughts and actions.

- My ass hurts. Literally. I guess you know you haven't been riding enough when you go out for a couple hours and your bum hurts the next day.

- But that's mostly because I've been running much more. Sometimes, it's twice a day. Sometimes, it's long. Sometimes, it's short. Sometimes, it's fast. Sometimes it's focused. And other times, my mind just wanders. And on that note, I was thinking about how Rockstar Tri said he "didn't get it" when I posted about my random thoughts while running. My answer....no, not everyone's thoughts wander while they're pounding the pavement or hitting the trails. Some folks have an inability to focus on anything otehr than how it feels, how uncomfortable they feel and when teh hell it might be over. I mean, we all get like that at times, but the people I know that think I'm a whack job for running all have this in common - they seem to be incapable of letting go the mind.

- I love to brush my teeth. Sometimes, there is not a more satisfying feeling than a clean mouth.

- I have a trail marathon in less than three weeks. And I'm being talked into a 50k in January. And I'm slightly hesitant.

- I've been having some strange dreams. Last night, I had my long hair back. I mean, it was as though it were short and then suddenly it was long, but still short underneath. And i absolutely loved it. I think it's time to start growing it out again.

- I had an interview this morning. And I have another on Thursday. If I get the one Thursday, I'm going on a vacation prior to starting.

- I saw a comic the other night at a club. Hilarious. Much better than a movie. Just in case you're wanting good date ideas.

- I also found out I really suck at bowling. Particularly after beer #4 or so. And the clientele at the bowling alley hasn't changed much in the last 20 years. I mean, the faces are different. But the styles are the same as they were back then.

- But I am very skilled at Jenga.

- I love this quote on soulmates. and even if it isn't real, I'm apt to believe it.:

"A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..." — Elizabeth Gilbert

- It gets dark way too early these days. It's time for more Spinervals. But it's so bright outside when swim practice is over.

If you build it, it will come

2010-11-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

After my tri season ended in early October, I made the decision (and commitment) to the Tecumseh Trail Marathon on December 4. I waited about four days post Nationals...and then I started running. And running. And running...

And suddenly, my run legs appeared! It took a couple weeks of not-much-cycling-but-miles-and-miles-of-running, but they're here. In fact, just Tuesday, I went out for a 10 mile run before swim practice and then went for an 8 mile run in the evening. And I averaged 7:30s for that second run. It was flat, but still.

So, besides running, I've been...um, I don't know what I've been doing. But I have gotten a few job leads and I have an interview tomorrow and one next week. It'll be nice to have some funds again. And sign up for a race or two. And get a mountain bike. Wow. Maybe I should just focus on getting a job first.

I've also been cooking. I made these amazing pumpkin pancakes (which were great fuel for my runs) the other day. And my black beans and rice keep getting better with each new batch.

Oh and I went riding for a couple hours with my buddy the other day. And I've been hanging out with cyclists (duh.) and cheering at cross races. Because I love boys that ride bikes. I saw this video at work the other day...and I wanna marry him. Just because of his skills. And because I love Band of Horses.

if it weren't for running, i might never sleep

2010-11-04T09:57:00.000-04:00

I've heard people talk about how they just can't get to sleep because they have so much going on in their heads. I guess it's that they're sooo busy during the day that they don't have time to worry or think upon certain things and all that anxiety culminates in difficulty in falling asleep.

I don't really have that problem. I can fall asleep within about 10 mins of my head hitting the pillow. And I sleep through just about anything. Unless it's hot. Sleep and sweat don't mix well for me. And it seems I've pretty much always had the gift of sleeping soundly. Then again, I've been running for almost as long as I can remember too.

Which brings me to my point... All those things that would typically keep me up at night? Those are the things that I think about when I'm out running.

For example, this morning's run went something like this...in my head...

"I'm so glad I got my CPR certification yesterday. Now I just need to scan it and send it over to that recruiter. I guess I'll do that at Rob's. Hope he doesn't mind. I wonder if we're still hanging out? Wonder what we'll have for lunch? I have some asparagus....and what goes well with asparagus? mmm...last time he made those bacon wrapped filets. Cause we probably shouldn't go out. I'm poor. Yeah. I need a job. A real job. Maybe I'll just take another corporate banking job? Then again, I don't really want to take a job just to take a job. Besides, the balls to quit that job is pretty much the only thing I gained out of that Chris travesty. It'd be a shame to just throw that away. I could always ask Rod for a job. Damn, I was supposed to stop by and see him downtown last week. Oops. [i suddenly realize the Dead Weather "Die by the Drop" is playing on my iPod]Oh! I love this song. Maybe it's because it's dark? Is it really true that the music I tend to really like is "a little dark" like he said? Ok, I guess "let's dig a little grave" isn't exactly warm and fuzzy. Sushi was good the other night. I think I like him. Wonder when I'll see him again? I have to make sure I get to swim practice on time. And I need to stop and get gas because I'm on E. I can still get in a few more miles... I really miss running down here in Newport. The bridges. And the river. And being so close to everything. I wonder if my old landlord has any other places for rent? Or that chiropractor that had that cool old building across the street? oohh...maybe I could just go back to my old life? I sure am glad I thought to pack a pb&j. That's gonna taste yummy. Especially with some hot coffee. I am more than likely going to need a nap today. I need to get a ride or two in soon. I could just start spinervals again. Should I take a left or a right here? I hope there aren't any creepers around. I mean, it's almost 5am, so they're probably sleeping, right? I have to stop by my storage unit and get some more clothes! And a coat or three. And my vacuum. DON'T forget the vacuum. And don't forget to call that guy. And email that other guy. Oh, that email I got yesterday was weird. I think I won't respond. There sure are a lot of cops out patrolling... I think most of these cops are nice down here. They must think I'm a total weirdo. "

And on and on....

is it just my imagination creeping up on me?

2010-10-31T10:41:00.000-04:00

I've been working on this post now for a few hours because I'm having trouble writing without sounding overly whiny. Or psychotic. Or troubled. Or in need of validation. But I guess I'm just going to put it out there and you can think what you will. Per usual.

Ok, so I have issues. I struggle with my body image. And i know a LOT of women do. Actually, I know a lot of men do too. Particularly men that engage in endurance sports.

My concern over weight and how I look started at a fairly young age. Growing up, I was overweight. And my brothers were skinny. A series of events led me to lose weight, like lots of it. Too much, probably. And while I think that's the point in which I developed an unhealthy relationship with food, it's also when I started my love affair with running. I grew to love movement in various forms and the rush I get from activity. and, admittedly.....the way it helps me maintain my weight.

Don't get me wrong. I don't run for how it makes me look. I run because I absolutely love love love it!

And while I have completed a couple Ironmans and won a few smaller races and run lots of 5ks and qualified for Boston, I've also changed my body composition such that it's much more muscular than it used to be. And this added muscle has led to faster times and a lot more endurance and speed. And for whatever reason, I'm not entirely comfortable with this. I mean, I am very comfortable with my physique when I'm beating boys up hills and when I'm making impossible sets at swim practice and out on the trails running for hours on end, but the times when I'm just hanging out or getting ready to go out, I literally yearn for my old waif-ish body.

The crazy part is, even when I was 112lbs (or even a very unhealthy 87lbs), I thought I was a little fat, that I could stand to lose a pound or two. And some days I see pictures of when I first started triathlon and I think "wow. I was so skinny. now i'm just bulky". But the truth is, even when I first started tri, I would complain to my training partner that I needed to lose a few pounds and he, a tad obsessed with fitness and nutrition himself, would help me devise a food plan to aid in that.

So, here's my probelm... it's off-season. And yet, I'm being pretty damn active. But I've also let loose a little on the diet (and by "diet", i simply mean what goes in my mouth rather than a schematic plan) - a little too much sugar, burgers, pizza and beer. And I feel fat. My legs are meaty. And my ass is ample. And my tummy isn't as firm as it was a few months back. I've probably gained a few pounds over the last few months, but most people wouldn't look at me and think "oh...she's hefty".

Just yesterday I saw a picture of myself from about this same time last year, and I remember thinking I was a lard ass then, but now I think I looked pretty lean. I looked healthy. I looked...(gasp!) good.

And the day before that, I may or may not have had a tiny little panic attack because I couldn't find anything to wear in which I didn't look "fat".

So, I guess I'm trying to figure out if I really am to a point where I need to make some drastic changes or if my head is playing tricks with me (and maybe it's a little of both?). And I'm also trying to decide why it is that I don't just relish what I have when I have it. I remember when I was young, someone told me to love the body I had at the time because I'll get older and wish I had appreciated it because I'll never get it back. I guess that holds true no matter how old you get though...because when I'm 40, I'll probably look back at these pictures of now, when I'm 30, and think "wow. i looked so strong!".

And here's something ironic...I see other active women, and I love their thick legs and ample asses and muscular biceps and visible lats. It's sexy. And sometimes, I even think other women with a little extra poundage, not in the form of muscle, look pretty sexy too. Is it just that we live in an image crazed world or is it that my view of what looks good is skewed? Or is it that I do need to start watching very closely how I eat and how I train? Would i be faster and stronger if I lost ten pounds? Or would I lose strength and be tired all the time? Would I be happier being slower but thinner? Or would my peace of mind fly out the window with the rigidity of even more control? I mean, why do I feel guilty if I take a day off or eat ice cream? I KNOW in the grand scheme of things that image doesn't mean anything. I know that five pounds doesn't change me from being attractive to being completely undesireable.

I guess what I'm seeking is some sort of balance. Balance between looking good and feeling good about myself...because they aren't mutually exclusive. Balance between enjoying life for it's indulgences and enjoying life for it's struggles. And I'm ok with seeking something. I mean, if we're constantly content with everything, isn't life boring and stagnant? Or perhaps I'm just justifying my craziness. ha.

what time is it?

2010-10-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

because i am exhausted!

i'm trying to remember...all the days are running together. i believe saturday began with a run and was followed by a day at the shop and then hanging out around the fire pit with my dad and step mom and friends. but i also got a text from dad while at work saying "rockstar got a package in the mail..." a gift from the double x master of funk. yes, a sexy pair of mavic cycling shoes!!!

And on sunday, i got a chance to go out and try them. so light, so stiff. and so white. three hours on the roads with my buddy, ack, and then...off to play some cornhole, eat a greasy burger from terry's turf club and carve some pumpkins. yum. all in a day's work.

monday was work again and then some trail running.

the real fun began today. ya know, when the alarm went off at 4am and i couldn't figure out what day it was. but it was out the door and off for 3600 yards in the water and then a wonderful torture session on the TRX and with medicine balls and planks. it's amazing how much strength i've lost since giving up my gym membership at the end of june. i will be feeling this tomorrow. i think i can feel my abs developing even now.

i then went to the library and just as i was printing out the last document for the dream gig, we were ushered to the bathroom, yes, the bathroom, for safe have from the tornado warning. the greater cincinnati area finally got some rain today. and with it, a whole shit ton of wind. it was like we've been complaining all summer "where's the rain? where's the rain?" and then, BAM! careful what you wish for.

so, i finished up there and went down to reser's bike shop to hang out for a bit. i had every intention of going for a long-ish run this evening, but when i got an offer to hang out with my ten year old niece for the evening...well, i couldn't pass it up.

the evening was filled with homework and hilarity. one of the first questions out of her mouth? "so, do you have a new boyfriend yet?" hahaha. "um. nope." and then she was asking about my last serious relationship "i mean, do you think he really liked you and stuff?" it was so cute. and naive. wouldn't it kinda be nice if relationships were just that simple? i like you. nothing can interfere with that. life is good.

and then we went to the bookstore, where a handsome young chap held the door open for us and after saying "thank you" all she could do was look at me and giggle. oh dear, i fear we have a young Amanda on our hands. she's all flirty and curious. and she's totally into fashion but wants to go out for track next year. and she says boys are gross, but i have a feeling that's because she thinks that's what she's supposed to say. then again, boys are kinda gross sometimes.

so yeah, it was a good day. so much so that i'm bleary-eyed and it's getting difficult to keep my eyes open. and i have a long run to accomplish in the morning.

busy, busy

2010-10-22T09:46:00.000-04:00

Since I arrived home from Tour de Beer, my schedule has been quite hectic. I registered for the Tecumseh Trail Marathon on December 4 in Bloomington, IN. AND i went back to masters swim practice. And I got in two rides with boys. And I'm getting everything together for my dream job. Ahhh...
I took three whole weeks out of the water. And this left me very well rested. and very scared about going back. would i even remember how to swim? would i have any endurance? will i even fit into my suit? would i make it through practice?

Well, fortunately, swimming is a bit like riding a bike. once you know how to do it, it comes back quickly. and while my muscular endurance isn't quite what it was, meaning i tire more easily when doing pull sets, i haven't really lost my cardio endurance, so i can make it through practice without problem. and my shoulders are only slightly achy today. but that probably has more to do with the two hour trail run and 90 min bike i did yesterday AFTER practice.

I hit the trails Monday before work. and i got lost, which is great. just not when i have to get to work and this creates a conflict with getting there in timely fashion.

I spent almost three hours riding on Tuesday at a nice, easy pace with an aforementioned pro, who really is just like any other buddy of mine. he just happens to get paid to ride bikes. and then we went and had thanksgiving (ie - loooootts of food) for lunch. and i ran some errands for a friend, which led to the ride yesterday.

I was "owed one" so after masters and a two hour trail run, where i didn't fall once (ok, maybe it's because i'm so fat and slow right now. ugh) i joined a friend for an easy ride and then was treated to dinner. and quite possibly, the most tasty brownie i've ever had.

outside of training, I'm gunning for this job I wanted about two years ago that i brushed aside because i met a boy. stupid girl. anyway, it's a field instructor position for adult wilderness therapy out in Utah. So, i've got my letters of recommendation all lined up and i'm hopeful. oh, i want this bad.

And i went to see Jackass in 3D, where i gagged more than i ever have in a training session. those dudes are SICK. the sweat cocktail gives me nightmares. and the slingshot port-a-pottie is quite possibly the most vulgar thing i can imagine. i mean, really, he had to have had shit caked in his ears and other crevices for days. at what point does the stench go away? ughh.

and today i slept in. ya know, until 7am. and i've been catching up on email and blogs. and prepping for another long trail run. i want to make it through this trail marathon in one piece. and we already got our "off season" training plan for next week. Oh, and two of my teammates just got their pro cards. woo hoo!

The greatest road trip on record - updated w/more pics

2010-10-17T21:28:00.001-04:00

Thursday, October 14, 2010

5:00am - awake, run, shower, pack the last of my toiletries

8:15am - arrive at Rob's, pack up the Pilot and hit the road

12:15pm - pull into a cold and rainy Cleveland for a tasty lunch and flight of beers at Great Lakes Brewery.

1:40pm - Back on the road toward Buffalo.

3:30pm - drop in at some random winery and pick up some souvenirs and enjoy a tasting.

5:30pm - roll in to Buffalo, check into the hotel, chat up the concierge, eat a chocolate chip cookie, clean up.

6:00pm - walk (in heels, for the first time in a long time) over to the Anchor, home of the original buffalo wing for a beer and some pics.

6:30pm - get a voucher for free breakfast from the concierge because we seem like "really nice people"

6:35pm - grab the shuttle and hit up Pearl Street Brewery for more beer and quite possibly the hottest stuffed pepper I've ever tasted, chat up the bartender and walk out having been billed for only half what we consumed.

8:30pm - walk around town looking for another fun bar. unsuccessful. call for the shuttle and go to Cole's, where more beer and more food was had.
11:30pm - shuttle back to hotel to get some sleep for the big day...

Friday, October 15, 2010
9:30am - hit the road for Toronto after free breakfast and a stop to get some nail polish because I lost a toenail on Thursday morning.

11:30am - check into the hotel, take a quick look around the block before meeting up with some peeps for lunch, which included...yep, more beer.
12 noon - lunch at 3 brasseurs and a flight of brew.
1:30pm - double IPA at Duggan's.

2:40pm - back to the hotel to clean up for the wedding...and enjoy the 7th type of beer for the day.
3:30pm - grab a cab over to the wedding, sporting heels for the second time in two days, meet the groom, er, one of them, and lots of my buddy's family.
4:15pm - the wedding ceremony. and the grooms kiss. and applause fills the room. (pics to follow)
6:30pm - i switch to wine because the beer is making me too full.
8:00pm - swipe a cupcake off the table with an accomplice because the cupcake tower just looked waaayyy too sparce for the number of guests and we did NOT want to miss out on wedding cake.
8:10pm - get served a cupcake from the stock that was prepped in back.
9:00pm - get a t-shirt from the emcee that reads "Paul put the Dong in Ding Dong"
9:30pm - dance. and watch my buddy do some crazy monster dance because he confused the coreography of two different Lady GaGa songs. Amazing fun.
12:15am - cab it back to the hotel, decide it's a good idea to go get another beer across teh street
12:30am - realize it's probably not the best "idea" we've ever had. but cannot waste beer. drink and bed.

Saturday, October 16, 2010
9:00am - drag my lazy ass out of bed, down some Aleve, walk around outside
10:00am - breakfast, which contained quite possibly the most bacon I've ever consumed in one sitting, and a vat of coffee.
11:30am - hit the road for Kalamazoo.
5:00pm - roll up to the Knights Inn. "I am not staying there!" Book a different room down the street.
6:00pm - cab it to bell's Brewery to have a drink with an old coworker. and, of course, drink more beer.

8:00pm - while returning the trays to the bar, bump into some mustache sporting biker dude and become quick friends. we're treated to another beer and invited to HIS bar across the street.
8:30pm - skip across the street to get cremated at ping pong and make quick friends with a group of college kids.
10:00pm - walk up to Shakespeare bar, which is BUMPIN' and has about a million beers on tap.
12midnight - grab some popcorn and head out the door to try and hail a cab.
12:30am - get back to the hotel and feel a little grateful that the beer tour is over.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

9:00am - depart Kalamazoo after multiple potty trips. and breakfast.

12noon - stop in Lima, OH with the intent of getting Arby's and suddenly decide Hunan Garden sounds much more adventurous. Yum. sushi.

12:45pm - win $1 on a scratch off lottery ticket.

1:30pm - sushi does not feel good in belly. but Rob's general tsoa's chicken smells worse.

3:45pm - arrive home to my Clubby before heading out for a run. I'm pretty sure it's possible to gain five pounds in just four days. unfortunately. but it was worth it. so so worth it.

bags are packed!

2010-10-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me that when I open my heart to forgive and let go that amazing things begin to occur in my life. This past week goes down as one of the most fun and unforgettable. And I have a feeling things are only going to get better. And it just so happens to follow a point in time when I finally decided to FULLY let go of the anger and bitterness and pity party and embrace the wonderful things in my life, ya know, to stop blocking the doorway of letting new things in...

It all started last week with the beginning of off-season. I felt a huge weight lifted with the lack of a plan and taking a couple days off and then hitting the trails for some fun, relaxed runs.

And then I began the search for my dream job. I'm looking outside of Cincy. never have I had this opportunity. And I'm not holding back. I'm going for something I REALLY want to do, rather than taking a job because it pays and has health insurance.

And Friday, I went and watched some Cyclocross at the UCI3 Festival at Devou Park to see some friends and watch some crazy racing. I took a break to have lunch with an old coworker, which was fabulous. And then I spent some quality time with my step mom.

Saturday was just a day at work, but we started re-habbing the shop, so we're painting and tearing down slatwall and redecorating, which is sooo fun. And then off to the E2 team party. I got to spend some time with my amazing race team. I saw teammates I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with in a long time because I've been all over the place and we had different race schedules. There were massive amounts of great food, conversation, lots of laughs and some IM World Champs watching.

Sunday, I made the short trek over to Day 3 of the CX festival for more fun and hanging out with teammates and friends after beginning my day with a run on the trails as the sun rose.

And yesterday, I got back on the bike for the first time since Nationals, thanks to Mr. Parbo, who is in town for a few days...and to the fact that I work at a bike shop and have not-so-normal work hours (and therefore the opportunity to ride for hours during the day with a hot Danish cyclist. ha.)

And now, the reason my bags are packed...I'm heading toward Toronto tomorrow to join a buddy to a same sex marriage. How can that not be fun?? We're making an adventure of it and making a couple stops to enjoy the tastes of some breweries on the way too. Bags are packed and the passport is waiting... Pictures are sure to come soon.

The proof is in the pudding!

2010-10-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

The first picture is me, beginning of season, on top of the world, running in the rain, on a hilly course, looking and feeling strong, running down chicks half my size.

the second picture is still me...but, end of season, feeling like in the depths of hell, in the heat , on a completely flat course, looking and feeling in pain, stopping and pleading with God to simply finish.

This, my friends, is the difference in mentality between: 1) i can do anything i want. i can go fast. i am fast. no matter what is going on, who my competition may be or what may pose as an obstacle...and 2) i am not really sure of what i can do. I don't even know if i can finish. Damn. i hope i can finish. i wish it weren't so damn hot. i melt in the heat.

both pictures were of runs in the same distance, half marathon, just different times in life. And i think it's pretty apparent which is better, faster.

Whew!

2010-10-05T11:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so let's get down to business...I made Team USA, but it wasn't pretty. As far as racing goes, I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. So, I will be going to vegas for 2011 LC World Championships, but I don't entirely feel I deserved it. And now, for the details...

I felt good going into the race, but i have to tell you, I NEVER feel good going into a race, so I was a tad concerned. And there was also all this pressure I was putting on myself. I was so anxious about this race. But race morning was running smoothly until...(dun dun dun!) they announced that the 22 inches of rain that had dumped itself on the area over the previous four days had increased the levels of E Coli in teh water such that it was unsafe in which to swim, so we would NOT be swimming.

Instead, we would be lining up on the dock, as if we were exiting the water, one by one, going off every three seconds, in no particular order. Um...hello, mind f*ck. When one is prepared for a TRIathlon, it is difficult to adjust to a brick workout. Some (those not so skilled in the water) were relieved while others were disappointed. I was in the latter pack of folks. I am not super speedy in the water, but I can hold my own. And it always serves as a good warm-up, so panic struck a little. And then we got no warm-up. Just standing in the cold on the dock in a huge pack of people, all waiting...while our bladders were beginning to scream and there was no place to relieve the pressure.

I was lined up with, Carrie, a friend that was at Worlds in Australia and we made a little strategy to push one another through the bike and run. I got to the point where it was my turn, and the guy told me to go, so I ran, sock-footed to T1, put on the helmet, shoes and grabbed my bike to head for the course.

I felt pretty good on the bike. It was super windy. Against the wind, hammering, I probably averaged 18 or 19 with speeds dipping into the 16s and with the wind, just cruising, speeds were in the 23-25 range, sometimes reaching into the 29s. It was a two loop course and I decided to just take it easy, but strong on the first and try to put some force into the second, once I knew what I was up against. I came in the first loop around 1:19 and into T2 at 2:36, so I negative splitted by a couple minutes and avaeraged 21.5mph for the 56 miles. Carrie and I entered T2 together. I quickly racked my bike, ditched my arm warmers, grabbed my race belt and ran out of T2.

Right away, I knew I wasn't going to keep up with Carrie. I told her to go and I'd get my legs under me.I felt ok for the first couple miles. I kept expecting my legs to come around. And then I got worried that they may not. I just took it easy and felt controlled. By mile 4, when I still felt like I was just trudging along, i began to panic. And it was hot by then. The sun was beating down and there wasn't much shade on the totally flat course. And I began to allow myself to stop at the aid stations. I took a couple shots blocks and then ended up losing them. And that's when shit really hit the fan. I stopped and stretched. I tried to cheer for people I knew. I cheered for some leading women. I had no idea where I stood among the competition since there was NO method to the madness of the start. I could only tell those who looked strong. And my head really started to get the best of me.

At some point, after the first loop of the two loop course, I literally stopped, stretched a little and....bring on meltdown numero uno. I thought for sure Team USA was out of my grasp. I knew my pace was down to a crawl. And the negative thoughts would not go away! I walked a little. And then I'd make myslef a deal, "just get to the next aid station and then you can stop for a gel" but then I started to get a little dizzy and hot and tired. I took off my compression socks because my feet were killing me and i couldn't seem to cool down.

With about four miles to go, I came across one of my 2009 team USA teammates and we traded encouraging words...she'd gotten sick on the bike, i'd just started falling apart on the run. And then with less than a 5k to go, I stopped again, paralyzed by doubt, pain, fear...and she said "come on, girl. i'm sure there's some water up ahead." and so i stood up and I started running again. And I didn't stop until that finish line. My run was a 1:49, 8:20 pace, my slowest ever. And it was demoralizing.

I found out later I placed 15th in my age group and top 20 qualify for Worlds.

I can't tell you the amount of relief I now feel that the season is over and there's no more pressure to perform. It's been a long season and a tough year. And I have lots of new adventures to look forward. I have other friends that also qualified. And I have a whole fall and winter to go run some trails and go for casual rides. And I'm quite looking forward to it.

'Tis the Season!

2010-09-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

for trainer rides, that is. It's getting light so much later. And there's a chill in the air. In an effort to maximize training time, between work and (other) play, this is how my mornings are shaping up, ya know, when I'm not swimming a couple miles before the sun rises...

And I'd forgotten how much I sweat on the trainer! sheesh.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Myrtle Beach for Halfmax Championships, which serve as the Long-Course 2011 World Qualifiers. By Sunday, I should be reporting whether I'm part of Team USA.

And that kinda scares the shit out of me. I haven't really been nervous about racing this year. And the pressure is self-induced, but I guess I have something to prove. to myself. So I'm hoping the hard work pays off. For the next couple days, I'll be resting and hydrating and race prepping!

Can you hear me?

2010-09-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

My morning run was absolutely fabulous. It was about 54 degrees. And breezy. I went out and at about the 2 mile mark, I was a couple minutes ahead of typical time to get there. And by the 3.5 mile mark, it was four and half minutes. And I just felt light. And good. And I'm going into taper week...for the qualifier for ITU 2011 Long-Course World Champs.

But yesterday....Yesterday was a different story. I woke up feeling crappy. And ill.

I get a little too cerebral at times. And I listen to a lot of music. And I like to read. And I enjoy bouncing ideas off others. I find it healing to discuss issues with those I find to have some experience. Or insight. Or knowledge.

So, as I was telling a friend of mine about my busted up self-esteem (and he was attempting to build it back up) I leaked out that I am not one who wishes to re-build myself with the compliments of others. I know (because I learned the hard way) that I can't cling to another's sense of my worth to gain self-worth. And I was sent this quote.
"Self esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn't earned; it isn't conditional; can't be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater or lesser than that of any other human being. It can't be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you're alive" - Terrence Real

And while I could come up with a million little arguements to negate this claim, it led me to think...as much as I don't want someone else to help rebuild my self-esteem, I am more than willing to allow someone else to tear me down. Where's the logic in that? I have allowed nearly every ounce of the good things I feel about ME to go down the toilet because.... why? Because someone I loved felt like I was worth walking away from. And that I wasn't worthy of following through on. And that all the little promises were just words. And everything that was meant to be was just a lie. And I guess I let that sink in too deep.

But one person has never made me into someone. And one person can't keep me from being someone. So maybe I'm just vascillating?

I find myself swinging from angry to numb. And when I'm angry, I want someone to blame. And who's the easy target? Him. But it's not reality. I have allowed it. I am to blame. And, yet, I'm the only one who can forgive myself.

But, just in case you read this, this is what I want to say to you almost every day.

Struggling

2010-09-22T20:59:00.000-04:00

So, while there are moments when I have the "i haven't screwed up, i've just learned" attitude, there are also times when i have the "if life ain't beautiful without the pain, well, i'd rather never ever see beauty again" kinda attitude.

And, admittedly, I've felt the latter on more than one occasion this last week. I absolutely hate saying this. or typing it, but...

(gasp!) I've lost my love for the bike.

I miss the feeling of weightless speed and climbing hills with ease. and feeling as though I could ride for hours on hours. And I really, really miss having fun riding. I miss laughing so hard I didn't think about the pain in my legs or my lungs. All my buddies are through with their tri seasons. And I have a little over a week remaining until HalfMax. I hate to say this too, but I'm looking forward to being through with structured training for a bit.

I have been getting back on the trainer for some focused rides, particularly since the light is dwindling quickly with the coming of fall. But even then, I'm just getting the workout in and sweating. So I can, hopefully, pull off one good last race.

The real struggle isn't so much the training. It's the pressure that I put on myself to perform. It's becoming a bit much. The fear of failure. The fear that I won't be as good as I know I'm capable. It's giving me major anxiety. I'm worried that my life issues of the summer have interfered with my training and mentality and that I've allowed something to keep me from living up to my potential. And now it's too late to hunker down and get any more fit. Long hard workouts will do nothing to help me now. And will only hurt. So, I think the real challenge of this next race is completely mental. I have to learn to believe. And trust. I've put in the work. Now, I just have to not allow the recent self-esteem beating to interfere with racing.

On failure

2010-09-17T20:24:00.000-04:00

To quote Thomas Edison, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work."

Sunflower Rev, Night Running, the last tri of the season and other stuff

2010-09-16T15:09:00.001-04:00

- The weather for the Sunflower Revolution 100k was pretty damn perfect. I lost the lead pack fairly early on, but ended up working with a group of guys. We picked up a couple and dropped a couple throughout the course. I ended up second female overall and finished in 2:41.great race. great course. Amazing food afterward.

- My teammates totally rocked it out at Rev 3 in Sandusky, taking top male and female ametuer and nearly everyone finishing under 11 hours. Crazy fast people!!

- There is something about the stillness. The darkness. It makes the miles and hours pass by in a flash. And the hills pass easily underfoot. It's silent except for the trees rustling in the wind and the sound of my footfalls. There is nothing to distract me from focusing on my form save the other thoughts scratching at my skull. Businesses are closed and the stars are just a little bit brighter. I breathe easier. And I feel like I have all the time in the world. This is night running. And I think I'm addicted.

- There's one last race for me for the season. i think. I have Halfmax, to qualify for Long Course Worlds in 2011. And I'm kinda ready for the tri season to be over. Just a couple more weeks. But there is always the possibility of the Great Floridian full tri. I'm torn as to whether to go for it.

- And that's because I want to do an ultra. And I'm committed to a 24 hour ROGAINE in November.

Ahhh....fall!

2010-09-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

After a very hot and humid summer in Cincinnati, the weather has finally broken. And we have some relief!

It's amazing!

I mean, it suddenly feels easy to breath on a long run. Shoes don't weigh an extra 3 pounds after a few miles. In fact, morning rides actually require arm warmers. OK, maybe they aren't required, but it's definitely more comfortable with them.

I'm loving it. Hopefully it holds for the 100k Sunflower revolution ride in the morn...and more importantly, for all my teammates racing Rev 3 tomorrow. So many of these guys have been an incredible part of my training and life throughout the last year. Also a shout out to Holly racing Worlds in Budapest and Scott, my uber super Triple T partner, doing IMWI.

Balancing Act

2010-09-09T15:33:00.000-04:00

All of life is an experiment, right? And it takes practice to get it right. And with experimentation and practice, lessons are learned. If there's anything I've learned through my little dance with triathlon is that balance is key. We have to balance focus on three different sports, making sure to not dedicate too much time to one aspect or risk taking away key fitness and speed of another activity. Even with the aid of a coach (or three), it can become daunting. And just when we think we have everything in it's place, life happens and throws everything off-kilter.

For example, early in the season, I dedicated a LOT of training time to the bike. And my bike splits improved dramatically! But my run seemed to suffer. Then, I got discouraged with the results from one race and some life events and my motivation plummeted. I'm ramping it back up, but I'm also trying to remember to throw in some key "fun time".

So, over the long weekend, I went camping down at Red River Gorge, where hiking ensued (yes, that is toothpaste on my shirt, thankyouverymuch)...

and a little knife throwing was done (maybe it's best to not ask)...

and amazing views were seen...

and great company was had (it only looks as though I'm trying to escape :))...

And upon arrival back home, it was to the Cleves Time Trial and out for morning runs and to masters swim practice for some hard work and back to work for a paycheck. Sometimes, it's great to have the kind of weekends that don't involve swim-bike-run and instead include fish 'n' chips and climbs and no showers and lots of laughs, ya know, to help maintain the balance, until life interrupts again.

Inspired

2010-09-01T08:34:00.000-04:00

That pretty much describes my life right now.

I think it started last Thursday at swim practice. Aaron gave us some crazy sets, seemingly impossible for me. And I made them! (as did a few others) and he was so stoked at the end of practice, he was shouting "now that was INSPIRED swimming!" I'm not sure what was in his G2 that morning...or maybe he really is just a sadist.

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe the inspiration began before that. I took a chance on something and walked away surprised. In a good way. Ok, maybe a great way. So, I bought my first lottery ticket on Wednesday.

And didn't win shit. But it was my dad's birthday. And we ate Mexican.

So, Thursday, I stopped by my old landlord's house to pick up a package that had been delivered to my old place. And don't ya know, the strangest conversations occur when you aren't expecting them... She and her husband shared something with me that left him crying, her gushing and me wiping tears. In a good way.

So I had a lot to think about on my long run Friday before work. And as I laid in bed that night, I made a deal with myself that if I got up and ran a 5k in the morning and did well, I could go to Brew Ha Ha that night. So, I got up and ran. And I won that 5k!

Sunday, I went down to Ironman Louisville to watch some friends at the finish. I got to see Bree Wee finish with huge smiles and high fives. And I saw men so full of excitement that they nearly knocked over the finish line volunteers. I saw people collapse and get wheeled off to medical. I watched couples embrace, overcome with the emotion that is Ironman...

I had forgotten. Sometimes, we get so jaded because we do this all day every day. And we surround ourselves with others that do the same. We demand more from ourselves. We want to be faster, stronger, better. It's never enough. Sometimes, we forget that what we do everyday is actually pretty amazing.

This was the first time I'd had the opportunity to watch the finish of such an event. And I found myself weeping, watching. It brought back the feeling of crossing that line for the first time. Or even the second. And it made me wat it again. We do it every day, but it's such a special feeling of accomplishment. One long day of swim-bike-run and you walk away a different person.

Gettin' back my mojo

2010-08-23T20:48:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure what happened, but this last week was huge for me. Other than getting pulled over and searched, I really had a great time. I ran a lot. I talked with people in the shop. I got some time with friends and family. And I had a couple good workouts.

I decided early in the week, since one of the perks of working at the shop is that it's free, that I would race the mini tri (1k swim, 40k bike, 10k run) at Great Buckeye on Sunday. My confidence has been lacking. And I was feeling out of shape, so I figured this could just act as a test.

And lo and behold, somehow, I pulled out my first overall win!!!

I think it's just because none of my uber fast teammates were racing. We had perfect weather and I led start to finish. And my dad came out to witness. It was fun.

And most of all, it was just another affirmation that I'm going to be ok. In fact, I went out for a ride with a guy, whom I haven't known very long, on Friday and he was surprised at how much I was smiling and laughing. He just doesn't know that's how I typically am. How sad is that??

I'm getting back to me. And it feels good.

Never a dull moment

2010-08-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

MONDAY - it's difficult to remember at this juncture, but I believe I slept in. I think I got an email from someone who kinda, almost knew Chris. And then I worked all day. And i came home, helped my dad, went to sleep uber early, but I awoke to...

TUESDAY - my car was stolen and my wallet was in the car. Oh crap! it's because my keys were in the ignition and I was walking up the stairwell at my old job...with my ex-boyfriend...who never worked there. And then I went to the bathroom and started my period. Ahh...sweet relief.

Yeah, that was the dream I had.

you can go and interpret it yourself, but basically, I'm feeling as though I'm being stripped of my identity. "This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person" and "there is an old lesson that you need to learn and apply to your current situation".

hmm....really? I'd never have guessed that!

Anyway, 4am up and getting ready for swim practice. Went fabulously! I guess. Then off to the grocery and for an hour run. I had the day off work and was sooo looking forward to just relaxing. So I did. Watched a movie from Netflix, cried, took a nap, awoke and decided to go to Barnes & Noble. And that's when the fun began...

See, my car has no A/C, so when I dropped my mom off to go to AZ for a few weeks, she told me to take her car. So I did. I left my car sitting in her driveway in IL. And time passed and i worked nearly every day, so when she got back to IL, I never had a chance to get back over there. Well, last Thurs, I had the day off, so I drove the 4 hours over there, dropped her car and drove the 4 hours back in my shitmobile, that has expired tags...

So, I was chatting with mom on the phone as Iwas driving to B&N and i saw lights. Dude pulled me over for expired tags. After much questioning and a good 15 mins writing out a ticket, he came back to my window "Ma'am, would you mind stepping out of the car for a moment?"... "Sure." I got out and walk to the back of the car where he continued to question me...and then asked "there's not anything in your car that shouldn't be, is there?" "no! go ahead and look if you want!" STUPID ME!!! This led to an additional 15 min search, dude on his hands and knees, opening up pots of lip gloss and questioning all the junk in my car until I finally let loose..."Ya wanna know the real story? Huh?! I was supposed to move, but it fell through! I went to IL to get away from every fucking thing and all this shit for a while. I just came back. I'm staying in my dad's apartment. I do triathlons. I have swim-bike-run shit all over my car. I have a suitcase in my trunk because I don't know where the fuck I'm going to be day to day!".

"Are you on any prescription medication?"

Ahahahahahahhaha...

WEDNESDAY: Holy crap, I'd forgotten just how difficult Spinervals are. Wow. Sweatfest. Love it. more work. That was the first day in a very, very long time that I was able to look in the mirror and think, honestly, "hey. you're not so bad. in fact, you're kinda pretty. there is a light in your eyes. and you're not as fat as you sometimes think..." total progress. worked again. all day.

THURSDAY: Awoke to dreams of vomitting, which apparently "indicates that I need to discard an aspect of my life that is revolting". Again. duh.

And then swim practice. Again. Where I got my arse kicked! I think I'll be sore, actually. A warm-up set and straight into 5x300 on 4:00, pull, then 22x50 on super fast intervals. and zombie kicks. awesome. And then coffee, a clif bar and a 90 min run.

And an afternoon frying myself at the pool with mom. And an evening hanging over a few beer with step-mom.

boring for you. not so much for me. :)

Moving on...

2010-08-16T08:36:00.000-04:00

Since that last post, lots has happened.
I almost instantly felt relieved for having gotten it off my chest. And I understand that people will judge. I was not seeking pity or attempting to say that I was morally correct in my relationship with that man, but I was feeling a lot of pain, and I was living in it. For whatever reason, I needed to get it out. He was quite involved in my training and my life and it was affecting both.

I also received some comments that spurred further email communication, one of which included the following...

"ive seen so many changes in you over the last year and i just remember that sweet girl i met on the beach 2 years ago. you changed. you are angry, and you should be. youve been fucked over - alot. but you know what? you will grow from this, whether it's in 2 months, or 10 months, you will be in a better place than you are now. "

And I finished Born to Run. I think it's that last chapter, in which the author speaks of the character of those involved in the greatest footrace never seen, that really touched me. And, several times throughout the read, he mentions that the runners smile. and hoot. and laugh.
So, wow. I guess that email and a few comments and some work conversations made me really assess my attitude. And I realized that even my relationship with Chris was selfish. And my sorrow over it was selfish. And my anger, though much of it directed at myself, was selfish. And I have been angry. And I want to be happy again. I'm just blocking myself from it.

I took a couple days off training and by Saturday morning, I was up and running. And smiling. And I went to work HAPPY. And I didn't get mad at silly questions or upset customers. I helped where I could and just tried to make life easier for the guys at work. And Sunday, I had a long run in which I was singing along to my iPod.

And then the fun really began...it was cervelo demo day at the shop. Two guys from Cervelo brought about 30 bikes out for test riding in a huge trailer. It was hot and humid and sunny. And for two hours, we were sweating, swapping out pedals, adjusting seat heights, grilling, trying to make riders feel comfortable. And then the storm rolled in... And computers went flying and beautiful carbon bikes went crashing in a heap. And tents were in the air. We all got wet. And I don't think anyone got mad. And it was just a fun time, despite the fact that it wasn't ideal.

And I guess that's what life is all about, right? Having fun even when it's not ideal.

Chapter 30.0 - Chris A. and the Truth of the Matter [edited]

2010-08-12T21:37:00.146-04:00

The day I met him is so vivid in my mind I can nearly recount each detail, from the clothes I was wearing (a green tank, cuffed boyfriend jeans, yellow beads that later became known as "the candy necklace", and wooden clogs), the employees in the shop, the weather (ominously dark, a storm looming), my purpose. It was Friday, April 16th. The day after tax day. I only know because I'd received a mass email invite for a tax day ride the day before and he'd replied "to all". I just needed some Chamois Butt'r. And time out of the office.

I didn't so much see him as I skittered in the back door as I felt him.

I had been surprised by the noise of my clogs on the hard wood flooring. And then I turned around and he was there. And i took him all in. I heard him make a funny quip about how his "speak and spell was hooked up to his lite brite", the mistake for the "reply all". There was some joke about his riding a purple Vespa. And his old age. And idle chat about hammer gel, lube, the HOS 200 that I'd done just five days prior, the Rampage Ride vs Reser's ride on Tuesday nights. His lanky limbs and the striations of grey in his long curls that peeked beneath his paperboy cap and the veins that protruded and the wit and charm and his piercing eyes, the fact that he stood nearly a foot taller than I and the bright blue tee emblazoned with "I just want to ride bikes with you"...

I recall going back to the office with the most shit-eatin' grin on my face. By then, it had started raining. And I was pulling my hair into "Friday hair", exclaiming, as I skipped down the aisle of cubicles, that I'd just met "the next boy that was gonna fall in love with me".

I had his email. And sent an innocent little note, wishing that he'd gotten to his destination (on his little purple Vespa) dry. Little did I know that this would lead to an illicit affair.

It began innocently.

It was a matter of days before he was ditching plans to ride (in a group setting) with me. He patted my helmet afterward. And then a text just seconds after parting. A call the next day. A meeting. An intro to Clubby. Song lyrics on the mailbox. A talk (in which I found out later I was being "assessed" for flaws).

I was smitten. And he had a girlfriend. But that didn't leak out until I asked, as did many of the "minor" details. Ya know, like the fact that they lived together. And she had kids. It was all too complicated by the time I discovered that information.

He said things between them were "status quo". I had "taken his perfectly settled snowglobe, and shaken it" But now, you've drop-kicked mine.

[And what you don't know from previous chapters is what I may deem as "typical" or "normal". or the relationships in which i've been involved. or with whom and with what situations my most intimate friendships may be that could skew my whole perception....it's all relative!]

He was at my place morning (before work many times, watching me get ready), noon (lunch every day, many times losing track of time) and night (rides, during which I'd laugh so hard I couldn't pedal. Or I'd spit out my water mid-hill onto Ack, who would question my sanity).

He taught me to be a better rider. He gave me suggestions. He made me push. He helped me fall more in love with my Masi than I ever thought possible. He inspired me. And isn't that the greatest compliment of all? Inspiration? He believed in me more than I believed in me.

It makes sense now why he was brought to tears as he sat in my kitchen, sweaty from a ride, attempting to explain his attraction, but simply only being able to sputter that i was "meant for great things".

He'd told me he'd cut it off with her. He had an interview with Cannondale. Several interviews, in fact. Four phone interviews in one day. And he called me between each. He came over after and proposed the idea of moving to CT with him were he given the opportunity. he just wanted to tuck me under his arm and run off together. I thought there was no way he'd get off that easily.

Then I got the call. "Are you in the car? Do you have a minute? We're going to Connecticut!!!" I was going to the Cleves Time Trial. My legs went tingly. And my eyes blurred. And I lost my head. I knew I was a secret. And I could tell no one. But I was GUSHING with excitement. Got a new PR. Went for a run.

But something wasn't quite right. I was sharing him. And I couldn't handle receiving his heart and allowing his body to reside elsewhere at night. He swore there was nothing. He offered to allow me to walk until he got everyhing figured out. I was torn. And somehow, deep down, I felt that I could let him go then, or I could let him go later. but no matter what...

And I wanted all I could get at that moment in time.

So we continued to have extended lunches where time stood still. And long rides full of laughter. He brought me NyQuil and slathered me in VapoRub in the middle of the night when I was sick. We looked for apartments. We made plans.

And he sat with my dad. And he discussed the move. He told my dad he'd be coming back soon to ask for my hand in marriage. He was going to give me a ring for my 30th birthday. But instead, I didn't even get a phone call.

I used to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. That's how he made me feel.

In retrospect, I understand why he'd sat on my couch, overcome with fear, tears welling as he told me that he'd be devastated if i ever left him, that he was afraid to take me from my stability, the most I'd ever had, and pull me out East. I guess he knew he was ruining it. He was the only one who knew.

By then, i wasn't so much a secret. Word was trickling out. I'd quit my job. And I gave up my apartment. I ended my gym membership.

I went out there. To search for a place. For us. Me and he and Clubby. Just five days before the big move. He'd already started at Cannondale. And she called my phone. She'd seen thousands of calls to one number on the bill. And all the lies began to unravel.

I was curled on the floor in the hotel room, screaming and crying, incapable of rational thought. Dad got me an early flight home. But business wasn't finished.

I picked him up from work and asked that we each just compartmentalize what had just occured so that we could enjoy one last night together. What purpose would angry words and tears serve at that point?

So, we went and had a pitcher (or two) of beer. And then to a Mexican joint for burritos. And then to this little Irish pub, where we danced, and sang and laughed. And loved.

And that's the last place we were "that couple"- ya know, the one everyone kinda admires; the couple everyone wishes they were; the couple you tell to "get a room" even though they have a room. and it's probably the honeymoon suite.

And the next morning, before I got on a flight to Cincinnati he told me I was awesome that night. What he didn't realize is that I'm awesome every night. And he could've had awesome forever.

That day is blurry. I remember bursting into tears on the first flight and a woman giving me a tissue. I remember being outside at the airport in DC talking to my mom. I remember him calling. And crying. And keeping me on the phone even though there were no words to be said.

And I had told him time and again, that I would be just fine. I've been through sooooo much! But I didn't know if he'd be ok. He had a lot to learn. And discover. and with which to cope.

I took the pain I was feeling and stuffed it down. I didn't know it at the time. I just instilled physical pain on myself instead. I rode long and hard. And ran fast miles in the heat. I thought I was fine. I took some time out and went to IL to get away from the gossip. Word travels fast in the cycling community and it seemed everyone knew my story. And I hadn't told any one of them. (So, here it is now. I'm sure she has a different tale to tell. As does he.)

Now I find myself sad. and angry.

I was riding the other day, the wind beating me into submission, screaming "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" But it's not him I hate. I hate my situation. I hate that I don't have a place to call home anymore. I hate the instability. I hate that I'm making $10/hour in a bike shop and I have a 401k sitting in the bank. I hate that I think of him every day. And I hate that people that I don't know, know me because of this. I hate putting on a happy face when I'm not feeling happy. I hate when people ask me where I live. I hate that when I briefly tell this story that people snicker. I hate seeing pity in others' eyes. I hate that I trusted and believed. And loved. And failed. I hate that the man I love is not in my life every day.

There are things that occur that make us question everything. This is one of those things. And some days, I question why I ride or run or swim at all. I used training. I used it to my advantage, to help me cope, to get me through. And I've found it's failing me. Because training can't heal a broken heart. But it sure can make one tired. And abusing it can make the passion for it go into hiding. And denying the heart the ability to grieve can make one angry. And bitter.

So, I'm taking a break. And I'm getting honest about how I feel. This isn't for you. It's for me.

I had a date...

2010-08-07T21:54:00.000-04:00

..tonight, Saturday, with a young steed. A Masi, to be exact. Yeah, Pathetic. Saturday night and I was out on my bike. But it was soooo beautiful out. And I'd been at the shop. And on my feet for eight hours. So it just felt like the right thing to do.

It's been a weird week. Full of ups and downs. Some mornings, I wake up and think FML. And others, I get up, go through the motions and get by. Wow. Sounds depressing. But not really.

I mean, Wednesday, I melted. It was like 105 degrees outside and I got on my Masi, tried to find a good route to Wheelie fun, where I work, got lost (stupid me and copying down a cue sheet, for, like, the fourth time, wrong!), finally found the shop, hung out for a few, refilled bottles with water and nuun, rode back. Against the wind. Uphill. And had a meltdown. The kind of screaming, wheezing for air, screaming, bawling crying that makes you stop on the side of the road and assess your sanity.

And then I rode home in silence. I showered, attempted to lie down, and got up to go work a road race in Devou Park. Where it was still, like, 102 degrees!! Poor racers!

After a few hours there, I met my buddy, Rob, for a much needed beer. Ahhh....

How long has it been since I actually relaxed and had some fun???

Anyway, it was an early night. I was exhausted. And had to work Thursday.

Not much occured Thursday or Friday. I trained. I worked. And, oh, I was actually told that the shop is totally different place with my presence. And my coach was in. As were a couple of my teammates. And i met a few new folks.

I also had an amazing 90 min tempo run on Friday morning before work. I came across a local girls XC team on the bike trail. They passed once. Everyone looked fresh. Then twice, when the coach exclaimed that I still looked good and to help out his girls. I laughed. And then felt kinda guilty for not helping. Because, really, that's what I'd LOVE to do...make those girls believe in themsleves, that they can run further and stronger and longer than they think. Because, truly, the body is so much stronger than the mind allows belief.

[perhaps i should heed my own advice/suggestion?]

Because I arrived home from work and I was toast. Burnt toast.

And I awoke this morning thinking "Fuck My Life!" My legs were achy. And my lids were droopy (from letting the diarrhea-induced pup out 3x in the night).

But I got some coffee. And I sat outside. And I went to work.
And, ironically, I work at a place that pays shit but makes me happy. I feel useful. And wanted. And helpful. I mean, I worked for years ripping people off with high interest rates on equipment they couldn't otherwise afford. And now, I help people ride bikes more effectively and efficiently.

And I'm trusted. Today, I disassembled, reassembled and re-cabled an aerobar on a P2. By myself! And the manager told me that if I had questions to ask, but...when I finished, he was slightly amazed, couldn't believe I'd done what I had... on my own.

So, I'm now of the belief that we should do what we love. And i think it will ultimately bring to us what we love to do. But that's another post in itself...

My life, as of now

2010-08-01T21:16:00.000-04:00

I am an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much always have been. I mean, my calculus teacher in high school even said so. And the boss I had at CVS through high school/college still tells stories of me going ballistic in the back room after dealing with idiot customers...or idiot coworkers. When I was a kid, I was sooo incredibly shy. And sensitive beyond belief. I would cry at the slightest bit of constructive criticism.

Luckily, the world has decided to toughen me up a bit and throw me a few assholes to fall in love with. And it's given me a few hurdles to overcome. And, ya know, I've come out on the other side of each one stronger, fuller, wiser, better. Don't get me wrong. They've all entailed tears and tantrums and yelling and screaming and blaming and name calling. And it's typically all very dramatic and excruciating. Like, bottom-of-the-barrel-psycho-wanna-die-or-kill-someone kinda pain. And as suddenly as it came on, it's gone. I've come to a point of acceptance (or I've gained some amount of control) and I move on.

But this one...this one is different. It's lingering. I awake from dreams and have to actually bring myself back to reality before reality sinks in. This one has me stuck a bit. And when I feel stuck, I run. A lot. Running is my first love. No matter how horrible a day, a run can relax me. It can take off the edge.

I can find relief in a run.

And it just so happens that I've been reading Born to Run, which is AMAZING, by the way. And as I was reading through last night, a certain point struck me. The author is speaking of the Tarahumara and their running. And how one coach stumbled upon their "it" factor. That "it" factor that makes them so strong and fast and, well, what you can't put into words; character. The notion of character that is compassion. Kindness. Love.

"[He] couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his gut kept telling him there was some kind of connection between the capacity to love and the capacity to love running. The engineering was certainly the same: both depended on loosening your grip on your own desires, putting aside what you wanted and appreciating what you got, being patient and forgiving and undemanding...we wouldn't be alive without love; we wouldn't have survived without running; maybe we shouldn't be surprised that getting better at one could make you better at the other."

I don't really know what I'm getting at here, except that maybe, subconciously, my love of running increases when there is less love from other sources. But hell, what do I know?
I also put in a couple good swim practices and a solo 90 mile ride on my day off. It was one of those rides where I started and suddenly, I was stopping at mile 45 to get some fluids. And before I knew it, I was back to where i started. And I barely recalled having just ridden for 4.5 hours.

Oh, and I've been working a lot. At the bike shop. The days go by quickly. And I'm learning a lot. But there is a complete difference between being on your feet all day at work and sitting in front of a computer in a cubicle all day at work. the former leaves you much more tired. But i get to talk with lots of interesting people (coworkers included).

And this week, I'm dog-sitting for my dad. It's already hectic. A lab/husky pup, a full grown lab and my Clubby. So life is definitely not dull right now. But some days it sure is blah.

Valuable Lessons

2010-07-26T16:18:00.000-04:00

I'm learning some things.

Don't take run route suggestions from a non-runner. "Oh, it's about 9 miles. and there are some hills" really means "it's 12 miles. and you go downhill for six and uphill for the last six." It seems people in cars underestimate hill climbs. and distance.
I am not wired quite right. Giving myself permission to take it easy and slack means I will want to get back on track. Immediately. And the
Not everyone appreciates brutal honesty. Like, the girls at work don't really love watching me peel off my dead toenail. Even if they think it's hilariously disgusting.
Cyclists have huge egos. Maybe that's part of why I love them.
It's always when things need to get done that you will be approached by someone whome you haven't seen in a very long time. And they will want to talk to you about all kinds of things. most of these things will not be important. And you won't care at all.
Non-triathletes do not realize the amount of time and effort that goes into training. For example: Runner's World currently has an article on how to train for a tri in 6 weeks. Um. I was a runner first. I also had this mentality that i could easily complete a triathlon. I did complete my first one. But it wasn't pretty. It was demoralizing. I suppose it may just be that I prefer to be competitive.
When non-tri people do hear of the training regimen, I think they rarely believe. Or it just doesn't sink in. And then the first question is "how do you have a life?!?" Um. This is a way of life. My friends also swim. And/or ride bikes. And/or run. And a few of them just drink beer.
Unemployment is overrated. Yes, I got a job. At the local tri shop, Wheelie Fun. It won't make me rich. But I'm pretty stoked about the casual dress and the perks. And just having something to do.
It's difficult to hydrate when riding for hours upon hours in 96 degrees and 90% humidity.
Full moons create crazy situations.

Things are looking up!

2010-07-24T10:34:00.000-04:00

I had, like, three good says in a row.
I had a blast at the Devou Park Crit. I worked registration, which means I get to put faces to names. And I get to see a lot of men in spandex.
While the crit was fun, I did probably have more fun eating nachos and enjoying a beer with Rob afterward.
I awoke five hours after arriving home to go to swim practice. That was a struggle. And then, when I got there, realized I somehow missed the information that Aaron was our of town for a meet so there was no "organized" practice. My initial thought? "Oh my God! I could've slept in!" But several of the masters group showed. And one dedicated swimmer (seriously, he just did a 10k OWS in less than 3 hours) brought in a workout. As I was walking out of the gym, I had this thought: "I have a really good life!"
And then it was on to job hunting and a three hour nap and then to dad's for laundry and a good news surprise via mail. I also had a good talk with Holly about training and resting and burn out.
Friday may have been the best day of all though! I'm not exactly wired just right. I mean, upon giving myself permission to take it easy and have fun and stay up late and socialize with friends and whatnot, I finally had a good run. I went out in 90 degree heat with 90% humidity and had an amazing 8 mile run. My legs didn't feel alien. But the sweat I produce is ridiculous.
I then made my way into my old office and socialized with my girls. Ohh....how I miss them and all our laughs and sharing stories.
THEN...a trip to Wheelie Fun (the local tri shop) where I picked up some new Zoot trainers...for free (ie - gift card).
After a late lunch, I went down to Reser's to meet a couple guys for a ride. We got in about 40 miles. And it was blazin' hot!!
And now I've gotta get out for another 60 miles or so.

Random Musings

2010-07-21T16:22:00.000-04:00

Apparently there are five (or seven, depending on the methodology of choice) stages of the grief process. Yeah, I guess I may be grieving. The good news is that I'm in stage four (or six) of the five (or seven). The bad news is that this stage would be "depression", defined as "overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb."

Yes, it's fun. Very thrilling.

So, I'm getting my ass out and applying for jobs. And having lunch with friends. And going back to swim practice. The crap part is that when it comes to the run and bike, I feel like a slug. I keep thinking it'll come back, but then I get this overwhelming fear that it won't. But it will, right? It has to.

Just like the dude sitting next to me at the airport HAS to leave at some point. I mean, every 30 seconds or so, I get a big whiff of spicy sausage...in the form of a belch. And it's making me nauseous. If I didn't have all my shit splayed out, I'd move.

Speaking of moving, I was driving here and got stuck behind this vehicle. It's like, I knew the driver was fat without even having seen them. They moved all slow like. And that wasn't the dead giveaway...it was the fact that they had a million things - books, a box of tissues, a hand towel, a map, an animal carcass (kidding) - on that little platform behind the back seat. And, as I went to pass said driver, sure enough, I was right.

I think it would be these kinds of thoughts that bring me misfortune. Ya know, if you believe in karma. The girls at work used to call me "evil". But I wasn't (and still am not) evil. I just say the things that everyone else is afraid to say. I'm honest. And, frankly, I think we could use a little more honesty in this world.

I had lunch today at Chipotle with those girls from work. I ate too much and I couldn't come close to finishing that monstrosity of a burrito. I wish I'd ordered extra beans so I could battle it out with the sausage boy next to me. Anyway, it was good getting back in touch with them. But weird to see them all in their dress clothes. And me in my shorts and tank top. They were jealous. Ha.

I'm working the Devou Park Crit tonight. But I hear thunder outside... I suppose if it gets rained out, I will be applying to more jobs. And waiting for the spunk to return to my legs.

The Funk

2010-07-17T19:35:00.000-04:00

I'm in it. I'm tired. I'm lacking motivation to do the workouts that are on the schedule. I want to eat bagels and peanut butter. And sweedish fish. So I indulge in pretzels and garlic hummus and lots of sugarfree watermelon gum. like, LOTS.

The last week has been a whirlwind! I travelled from upstate NY to Cincinnati. Then Cincinnati to Effingham. And then drove mom from Effingham to the airport in St Louis...and then drove back to Effingham. And then Effingham back to Cincinnati, where I now sit.

And somehow, I've managed to train 15 hours. Which makes me feel like a failure because I think we had 24 hours on the schedule.

i need a job.

The problem is, I don't know what I want to do. Or where I want to live.

So, I went out for a run in the woods today to think about it. Some of my best thinking is done on runs. I started out thinking about the things I like to do...swim, bike, run, (duh) challenge the limits of the mind and body, motivate others, learn new things, calculate numbers and study statistics, discover and investigate, read, write...and that's where I got sidetracked. I was all "oh, maybe i can do some freelance writing..." which led to "dude, I should just write a book..." about??? "all the crazy ass men I've dated and the screwed up relationships in which I've been involved.."

I took a little trip down memory lane. Some of it was comical. And some of it was down right frightening. And a lot of it was heartwrecnching. But, man, you name the mental affliction, and I've probably dated it. I could devote a chapter to each: "the married man", "the heroin addict", "the sociopath", "the pathological liar", "the man who couldn't stay away from strip clubs", "the control freak", "the guy with an 8th grade education (and no, he wasn't 12)", "the bi-polar", "the megalomaniac", "the people pleaser", "the i-have-to-leave-because-i-have-to-do-something-spectacular-before-i-turn-30...in 3 days", "the one who wanted to save me", "the disappearing act"... oh, and more than one fits into "couldn't keep it in his pants". That's not to say I haven't screwed up. Because there are also "the one that got away", "the really nice guy" and about 100 poor schmucks that never got a real chance because I was still trying to find my way back to reality from any one of the aforementioned assholes. I mean, my ex and failed marriage could literally be a prologue...

So, I'm entertaining the idea when I look up and see a black cat. In the middle of the trail. Seriously. If that's not a bad omen, I don't know what is! Sheesh. I can't cut a break. Like, the other day, I finally gained the motivation to go to the pool and do my workout. As soon as I put my cap and goggles on, little sprinkles fell from the sky. I got in 750 before they kicked us out for lightning. I got in my car, drove to mom's and parked in front of the garage...and realized I needed to allow room to get her car out in the morning because we had to leave by 4am. And I sure as hell didn't want to be playing musical chairs with vehicles at that hour. So, I backed up. Straight. into. a. huge. oak. tree! Now, I don't care about my car, but my bike rack was on the back. And it's now in like 8 pieces. Ack said "that sucks". Um, yeah, story of my life.

Not really. I have a pretty good life. I'm just having a rough time with the lack of stability. And having to be dependent upon other people for a place to sleep at night. And I want to go out and ride when I want to ride. and run when I want to run.Aand for however long I feel. But that's not what will make me faster. So i'm having an internal struggle. About a lot of things.

And as I was daydreaming again, having forgotten about the little kitty, I tripped on a root and got splayed across the trail, water bottle projected into the brush and all. It was about five minutes later I decided I was finito. And I took my sweat dripping ass home. or to my current crash pad.

The details

2010-07-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

Musselman is more than just a race. it's an entire weekend of activity. There's a sprint on Saturday, along with a kite festival, 12 hours of visual arts, a pre-race meeting, pre-race dinner, pancake breakfast, etc...

And it's GORGEOUS up there. Actually, when Ack and I were riding around on Saturday, he said "I'm not going to tell anyone about this race!!" for fear of it being infiltrated and/or selling out even earlier. And then he got stung by a bee. Damn karma!

Ok, on to race morning...I got up early to make sure I could get my potty in. No problem. But I didn't really have an appetite, which is UBER unusual for me. go figure. I stole Ack's car and went to get some coffee (he still doesn't know about this. hehehe). We went down to the race site early and set up everything in transition. I ran into some peeps from TTT and Team USA and before I knew it, I needed to get a warm-up in and my wetsuit on. It was all a blur from there.

After the Canadian Anthem and the Star Spangled Banner, we got corralled for the swim start. I was in the third wave at 7:06. Some of those pink cap girls were just anxious!!! All getting up in front of the start buoys and all. But, anyway, I know I don't have sprint muscles, so I figured I'd just make my way through them after the first 500. The swim was fairly uneventful except for the fact that there were plenty of men in the two waves ahead that didn't know how to swim. More than five times, I was dodging breast stroke kicks. I kept trying to look for pink caps ahead and there weren't too many. I came out of the water and glanced at my watch once in T1 to see 31 something and was a little disappointed. It was a fast swim last year, but I was also swimming more last year. Total swim time 31:37.

T2, I saw Ack leaving as I was racking my bike (I was positioned right next to the exit) and yelled for him. I saw this chick that was obviously a viable threat. And she was a little ahead of me. I couldn't get my helmet to fit my head. WTF? Finally slammed it on, and went on my way, but it was a slow T2...2:31.

I felt good from the get-go on the bike, ya know, except the throbbing headache from my too tight aero helmet. I was passing people left and right. I think maybe 5 men passed me and stayed ahead through the whole 56 miles. I took in water to start. And man, I was thirsty!!! I wanted an ice cold coke about half way through, and took a few swigs of my gatorade instead. I was trying to remember to take in calories, but I was feeling great, and again, not hungry, so I just kept going. It was obvious when a headwind or tailwind hit. Speeds varied from 17 to 28 on the flats depending on the wind.

About 20 miles in, I reached back to the strap in my helmet and gave it another hard tug and felt the sweet relief of lessened pressure on my skull! I ended up only taking in about 500 calories (liquid and solid combined), which, in retrospect was not enough for me. I was sweating immensely. I felt great throughout and ended up just 3 secs off the fastest bike split, which is huge for me. I guess I caught quite a few women on the bike. Time: 2:40.40 for a 21.0 mph avg.

T2 was ok. I was HOT! but I moved fairly quickly, or so I thought. And moved on to what I thought would be a great end to a good race start. I had about 1:43 to accomplish my sub-5 hour goal.

I started out running and feeling ok, thinking my run legs would come after a mile or two, per usual... Some guy struck up a conversation. He was from Ithaca, couldn't understand why I'd travel for a race. Apparently, people who live up there take for granted that they have so much beauty around, somewhat unlike Cincy/Dayton. Anyway, he was running awfully close to me, asked me my pace. I told him I hadd no clue, maybe 7:30? He informed me it was 7:15 and that it was too fast for him. And then he elbowed me for the third time and apologized. I told him he needed to back off (in my not-so-subtle sassy tone).

I was informed I was the second female by lots of spectators. I ran up to this other guy that I was playing tag with on the bike, I saw Ack climbing a hill in front of me at about mile 2.5-3...and as I was climbing that hill, I looked back and saw that viable threat chick TRUCKING it about a quarter mile behind me. Oh dear God! I hit the flats and she came up on me. I said some encouraging words and she said some back...and I told her that there was only one girl ahead, told her to go get her. Several surrounding men told me to go after her...but I knew I didn't have it in me at that point. And then the chills struck. I was trying to take in water and squeeze sponges over my head, but I was feeling horrible!! I took a gel. I dumped ice down my top. Nada.

I saw Ack and screamed for him, he yelled back "you're catching me already?" Sheesh! I thought it was taking forever to catch him! And then it took even longer to actually catch him. And then another girl passed me. Ugh. So, I was thinking "great. I just went from 2nd to 4th...and I have no chance of catching those girls". I was so defeated. One foot in front of another. Top 5. Just get top 5...

Around mile 8, another skinny little runner chick passed me, flying. I was in sooo much pain. My hammies, my back, my feet, calves. I just wanted to walk. I had never felt so bad on the run in a race. I was fighting some demons in my head. And I had that all-too-familiar wince of "why can't something just be easy for once" that I've been allowing myself to feel far too much lately. I took in some endurolytes. A little coke, 2 shot blocks. It was too late. I hung on for dear life. I was just running scared at that point. As I crossed the finish line, I saw 5:00.24... 25 flipping seconds off the sub 5 hour goal . Grr. But I did crack top 5. run time: 1:43.39, 7:55 pace.

Turns out two of those girls ahead of me were in a prior wave so I finished third female. I took home some cash and a bottle of wine. I learned a great lesson. Um....eat, even when not hungry. Don't rely upon a supposed "strength". My run is typically fun and strong. Not so much here. But it was a new PR. So Ack and I went out and celebrated with a burrito and beer.

oh, Musseman, how I love thee...

2010-07-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

And not just because you give me PRs. Or because you're in the beautiful Finger Lakes region. Or even because you've got the BEST swag of any race...

It's because you always let me know I have so much yet to learn.

Last year, I went into this race with very little expectation. And I came out having learned I'm capable of so much more than I imagined. And that I can defy predetermined expectations or beliefs. And this year, I learned about having a "bad" (feeling) race. And still coming out with good results. And realizing the importance of not relying on supposed strengths...

I just back to Cincy a few hours ago and I'm exhausted. And I REALLY want to go to Masters practice before heading to IL to see my precious Clubby in the morn, so I'll just leave you with some highlights. A full race report and pictures will follow:

- I missed my goal of breaking 5 hours by 25 seconds...with a 5:00.24
- BUT I accomplished my goal of cracking top 5 with a 3rd place overall finish. And I scored some cash and a bottle of chardonnay.
- There are some fast runner chicks out there. I am not one of them.
- Nutrition is oh-so-important during a race.
- I have the MOST AMAZING friends and family!!
- I met some blogger buddies.
- And ran into Team USA peeps.
- And reconnected with some guys from TTT.
- Ack is an awesome travel partner; he always carries a camera. And he isn't afraid to drink beer.

One day at a time

2010-07-06T20:26:00.000-04:00

They use that mantra in recovery a lot. And I suppose I'm in recovery. Ya know, from having my chest opened up and my heart removed, squeezed in a vice grip and left helplessly beating at a low rate in the devoid cavern of my self..only to stand, shocked in silence watching it all go down without aid of anesthesia, ignorant in medicine and queasy at the sight of blood...

Ok, that's a little dramatic. Besides, my mom is a nurse. And my friends are nurse anesthetists and doctors and...bankers. and bloggers.

But really, I've been in IL for a week now and it doesn't feel like it's been that long. The strange part is that each day, I get up and train and eat and talk with friends. Oh, yeah, I also think a lot. I've spent most of my time here alone. But I think it's been healing. I take each day as it comes. And sometimes, I'm even shocked at the emotions that suddenly arise in me. I've run the gammut this past week with tears and laughter, smiles, sorrow, pain, anger, ambivalence, frustration, fear, joy, gratitude, pride, shame, confusion and clarity. I guess that's probably pretty normal for a female though, right?

Anyway, my point is, that life is always about the here and now. Nothing we can do about the past and the future is so totally unknown! So it's just one day at a time. And it's all you guys that help me keep that in perspective. All my friends and family and readers and perfect strangers. When times get tough, the human race seems to be pretty supportive.

Speaking of support, I feel like i need a fucking gurtle right now. It's taper week for Musselman. And after all the over-activity last week, I feel like a fat sloth. But that's also normal. What's not normal is having your 30th birthday- filled with steak dinner, cupcakes, ice cream cake, beer - stuck in taper week. Don't get me wrong, it's been an amazingly fun last couple days...

My mom came into town on the 4th, after I'd spent some time pounding the pavement and hanging out at the pool, getting ever bronzer...and post-small town parade watching with granny... So, she got here, we cleaned up and walked downtown to this little corner pub and played songs on the jukebox and caught up. We waited until midnight to toast my actual birthday before heading home. Ya know, I've spent my birthday in Galveston, in Vegas, in Belize, in Cincy, at clubs, rolling down hills watching fireworks, playing with sparklers, racing...but never in the same town in which I was born, drinking beer with my mom over old country songs intermixed with Jay-Z and the Stones. But it was perfect.

And then for my birthday, we slept in and got wrapped up in Khloe and Kourtney Take on Miami. Seriously. It's addictive. Surprise, surprise, this is part of what I do in my down time with a focus on training. I finally got around to my run in the hot, hot heat around noon. We sat in the yard and visited with granny...and watched Clubber devour a canteloupe before again, cleaning up. Only this time it was a tame steak dinner at Firefly Grill and it ended up being a relatively early night so I could get up and kill myself with intervals on the bike in this brutal wind and sun.

Now, the focus is simply on resting and recovering for Musselman on Sunday. Headed back to the 'Nati in the morning. And looking forward to a fun little road trip to upstate New York!

The proverbial straw that broke my back

2010-07-03T13:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a relatively good day. I had one of my best training sessions to date. A warm-up run followed by 4x(ride 4 miles hard, run 1 mile hard). I found a stretch of road near the high school track a couple miles longs with a railroad overpass (ie- hill coming from either direction) and I pounded it out. My mile splits got faster and faster, 7:05, 7:00, 6:45, 6:40. And then a nice cool down ride. And I was rather satisfied.

From there, I got a sandwich and went to the pool for some time in the sun. And a quick few laps. Unfortunately, by the time i got home, I was waaaay too hungry. I'd probably gotten myself into a bit of a glycogen debt. I had a hankering for a burrito and upon searching hopelessly for a Chipotle, found a little Mexican taqueria. I was the only gringo in the joint, but I made a mad dash for home to scarf it down and knew I'd still not consumed enough. I later had some sugar free ice cream (there are no treats in this house, so I went next door and raided granny's diabetic sweets).

Then came nightfall. And as tired as I was, my mind wouldn't shut off. I'm finding evenings to be the most difficult times. I tried the couch, the floor, TV, no TV, crosswords, tea, sitting on the porch, reading blogs, sending emails... Nothing seemed to help. I tossed and turned and maybe got four hours of sleep before awaking this morning for some coffee before this group ride.

There were six of us in total. We circled the block over and over waiting for all to arrive before heading out on the road. Right away, we picked up the pace. And I could feel it. In my legs. In my mind. All of me was wanting nothing more than to just go home, curl in a ball and sleep for hours on end. But I kept riding, now just trying to suck wheel instead of taking pulls. I tried to stay positive in my mind. But I didn't know the roads. And I had about 230 riding miles and a couple run speed sessions on my legs. And we hit a road covered in gravel. In a pace line. Going prett fast. I dropped back a little. One wrong move by the wheel in front or any lack of signalling and I didn't want to be a casualty. And that little gap got bigger. I just let them go. ANd mentally, I went too. Like off the deep end.

When we regrouped, I said something about how that wasn't safe and in return, received some remarks...and then I got a little mouthy with the coach in the group. And in my mind, I was going BALLISTIC!!! Instead, I just picked up my toys and went the other direction. I got within a safe distance and wailed. and bawled. and made a few phone calls. and got voicemails.

The heartache. And the fear. The disappointment. And the lack of stability. And the pain. Not enough calories. No quality sleep. Too much sun. All the miles. The speed work. Packing. Travelling. Living out of a suitcase. Turning 30. Just wanting things to be easy for a while. The desire to go home...and having no home! It all caught up to me. And that gravel is what broke me. I didn't know where the hell I was. And it didn't even matter. I could've fallen in a heap on the ground and not gotten up for hours. But I mentally gathered myself and pulled out the GPS and got back to mom's, where I now sit and think about how word spreads like wildfire in a small town. And they'll all think I'm some kind of whack job cry baby. But really leaving the group ride had nothing to do with the gravel or the guys riding. And everything to do with everything else.

I think I need a break. even if just for the remainder of today.

Half way there

2010-07-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

Holy crap. The year is already half over. I'm just a few days from turning 30. It's the kind of day I just want to go out and ride and ride and ride. It's the kind of day I lie in bed (even if bed is a couch right now) with my Clubby.

It's the kind of day I get up and make a big pancake with sliced bananas. And I wait for the pool to open (12:30pm, really??). And I chat with friends. And I wonder about things. And I fend off the kind of meltdown that struck a couple nights ago. I think about the possibilities I have. I entertain the opportunities. I regain some focus. I laugh at how I told some dude "it was fun dropping" him last night. I think about the people in my life. I think about those no longer in my life. And I'm stunned by the lack of faith and hope and resolve some people have. And I'm amazed at how much others empower us. I am staggered by what some will tolerate. And I smile at the stories I'm told. And I'm flattered by the comments. And I'm going to go ride and ride and ride now.

Effingham. Population:12,400

2010-06-29T19:51:00.000-04:00

Luckily, in that 12,400, there are about 20 cyclists. And two bike shops.

I started the morning...in bed. And then in granny's kitchen (i think i've mentioned she lives next door. like, a driveway/20 ft separate her and mom's doors. weird. believe me. i love my mom. will NEVER be able to live in such close proximity..) with my aunt, drinking coffee and listening to granny tell the same stories she told three months ago (she's 91...patience...she thinks i go walking all the time when i'm training. ha ha ha). And then I kitted up and headed out for a ride. I stopped in the LBS here in town and asked about group rides. One. Tonight. Maybe four people. 18mph avg. They recommended another shop. I went out to the country to clear my head. It's absolutely gorgeous out here. Nothing but farmland, cattle, fields, blue skies, billowing clouds. I even found a few hills. Seriously. Actual climbs!! And I think it was a prarie dog that nearly got run over. I saw farm machines I didn't even know existed! I rode on gravel for a half mile and was attacked by four dogs...

On my way back in, I found the Uphill Grind. Dick, shop dude, gave me the low down on the group rides, the riders, etc. He wants to go watch the boys hurt tomorrow night. he he he. This is good for me.

From there it was home for a quick snack and to the pool for lap swimming!! But, dude...meters are so much different than yards. I'm not used to that. sooooo slooooowww.... I got in what I needed. I laid out in the sun after.

I got encouraging words from friends. I fought the urge to call and tell him about my day. You guys are awesome.

Yep, yep, yep!

2010-06-28T20:06:00.001-04:00

So, for the first time in my life, I am jobless and homeless. And somehow, I'm more at peace right now than I have been in quite some time. I know not what lies before me. I have a rough plan, but it's sooo vague. something like this: stay here at mom's in IL and bust my ass training for the next week. Take advantage of naps. And the time and ability to prepare meals. And mow granny's lawn. And sit and watch TV with her.

I have a long couple weeks of chaos and a few great days of training behind me now. Saturday was a long, sweaty, humid 16 miles in the hills of eden park, hyde park, and a surprise visit on the flats from my TTT partner, Scott. And Sunday was 105 miles on the bike, 50 by myself as I went back to get the truck of a buddy who was severely dehydrated. The ride was mostly flat, but I didn't once feel like I wanted to get off and throw the thing into the bushes. I just focused on cadence. And pedal stroke. and relaxing my upper body, not curing my toes, looking straight ahead, all those things I've been taught by the amazing people brought into my life for whatever reason.

Friday was my last day at work. I got cards and hugs and went home to frantically pack so I could leave for Galveston, TX the next morning. And it was then that I started to worry. It was then that I wanted some reprieve from the chaos, from the go go go that had become my life over the last couple weeks. And on my Saturday morning run, I decided TX was not the place for me at the moment. I needed some solitude, some time to hush my mind, some time to sleep peacefully, some time to just get away. And figure things out.

I went to the Hyde Park Blast Saturday night. And saw so many friends. I got so many hugs. I had so much support; so many kind words. And it meant the world to me. I was, once again, reminded of all the amazing people in the world, in my life. I'm quite the fortunate girl.

I was actually kinda grateful for those miles alone on Sunday, rushing back to the truck to rescue Todd, those miles spent in the rain, the heat, the smog. It gave me time to reflect. I was granted time to focus. And I realized I've been given the greatest opportunity the universe allows...the ability to go wherever life takes me. I simply have no ties. I have amazing friends and the best dad ever in Cincy, but I have friends all over the country. I have no less than 50 offers for places to stay. So, to the-middle-of-nowhere-IL I went. To stay in an empty house next door to my 91 year old granny. And that's where I am. With lots of country roads to ride, a few hills to run, a pool with a lap lane, and relatives on the lake.

And yet, deep down, that one persuasive voice keeps lulling me. But I cut it off today. There have been so many empty promises. So many "i'm gonna do this"'s. And I haven't been through all this shit to not realize a thing or two. No matter how much I might want someone to do something and follow through, no matter how much I love someone, I love and respect me more. And I know I deserve to live a dream. Because that's how I want to live. And we all have a choice. That's my choice. This is my dream. And I'm living it.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried

2010-06-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

So, my horrible, faulty picker struck again.
No move to CT. In fact, the visit ended prematurely and I found myself back in Cincy a day early.
But it's not all for naught.
Thank GOD for training - it's keeping me sane. And friends - they're keeping me company, keeping my head up, calling, texting, emailing, answering the phone when I was in hysterics. And FB - it's making me laugh. And dad - he got me on a flight home pronto. And mom - she listened to me babble. And my brothers - they're checking in on me. And the woman on the plane - she handed me tissues and encouragement. And him - he gave me a reason to finally quit a job I hate. And to the other woman involved - she totally opened my eyes.
I always say that everything happens for a reason. And I still believe it. My stuff is going into storage this week. And I'm headed to the beach to visit my brother before going north for Musselman. And then, who knows?

Here goes...

2010-06-15T16:42:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow afternoon, I depart for CT!!
But only for a visit. I'm coming back for 6 short days before moving out for good.
The last week has been full of fun and training and hanging out with friends and talking on the phone and sharing and packing. It's been exhausting, honestly.

I put in my resignation at work last Thursday and left work early to hang out with the girls. Left work early again on Friday to ride with Ackerman in the stifling heat. Seriously, it's just HOT here in Cincinnati right now. The humidity is disgusting. I took a huge gulp of ice cold water after that ride and it actually hurt going down. I thought I might actually be dropping my core temp too quickly.

Saturday started with an amazing two hour massage...and some good therapy before starting Project: Pack. Oh, how I hate packing. I've been doing more purging than packing, really. If it hasn't been used in the last year, it's goes in the garbage or to charity. Plain and simple.

Sunday, I awoke to thunderstorms....which wasn't a good outlook for Ride Cincinnati. But I was all about riding it, whether we got rained on or not. I needed that last long ride with my friends and teammates. And wouldn't ya know, the rain stopped just before the 6:30am start, I was interviewed by the local news station and we all got caked in mud. A few of us went off course to get in some extra miles and some hill climbs before returning to the after party. All in all, four hours of riding. And then eating. And the most amazing shower. And more packing.

I didn't get my long run in over the weekend. And getting to work pre-9am isn't exactly a priority right now, so I went for a long run before work yesterday. I was jammin' to my iPod, lost in my thoughts when I realized how far away from home I was...and just how long I'd been running...and just how few calories I had on hand...and just how drenched in sweat I was. My shoes seriously gained a pound of sweat weight from that dripping off my legs and feet. And I was a little loopy by the time I arrived home. Note to self: One bottle of low calorie G2 is probably NOT sufficient fuel for a 16 mile run first thing in the morning. But it will give you an incredible endorphin high. Or low blood glucose high.

Good thing I've been hydrating today...and that I had Dewey's for lunch. Great recovery post-masters and pre-group ride outta Reser's.

The Tuesday Night TT

2010-06-09T17:00:00.000-04:00

I went out to the Tuesday night time trial last night. My legs were trashed from racing and riding Sunday and then running Monday and some crazy zombie kick and jumps at Masters practice. I was not expecting a stellar performance. I was tired. And it was the boy's last night in town. I knew he was packing up the U-Haul with his buddy. The last time I'd been to the TT was the night he called me up and said "Are you in the car? Is this an ok time to talk?....We're going to Connecticut".

My head was all over the place. So brought the iPod. But I rode a warm up lap with my buddy Todd...and then I ran into a bunch of my guys at the start - Kevin, Barry, Smitty, Brian, James... We joked and laughed and carried on.

I dug deep. Set a new PR by 12 seconds.

They were all benig slow to change clothes for a T run. I razzed them. Kevin picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, spun me around, attempted to convince Barry to smack my ass...but Barry knows better, that I would smack back. There was lots of laughter.

And we ran. And I talked to Todd about running. And his stride and what I do to relax and the importance of good stride.

I got in my car, checked my phone, had a couple emails. Training partners wanting to know about the move, questioning where I'm headed, what I'm doing, how I could leave them, somewhat in jest.

And I know they're happy for me, but for the first time, i got a little sad. I mean, I'm overjoyed about the opportunity I have and adventures that lie ahead and all the things I'm getting to experience. But there is a part of me that has grown to love the people here. I've grown attached. And it breaks my heart a little to leave them. And to know that I'll be missed.

Deer Creek Oly - tornados, lightning, setting PRs and chicking the men

2010-06-08T17:00:00.000-04:00

The Deer Creek Olympic Triathlon isn't one that was on my race schedule...until, like, last Tuesday. I kinda just felt like racing it. This means, there was no taper. There was very little preparation. And I was just out looking to have a good time. per usual.

Pre-race:
I awoke at 4am and was out the door by 5:15 for the (nearly) two hour drive. As the sun rose, I noticed the trees were whipping about. I also noted that there was a comment on my FB status that there was a tornado watch in Mt. Sterling. Beautiful!
I got to the beach and the waiting began... I waited in line for my race packet. I waited in line for the bathroom. I waited to set up in transition. And then I (along with everyone else) waited for the storms to subside and the race to begin. There was some crazy lightning that was striking out on the lake. It was gorgeous. But it also made me kinda want a duathlon. As the heavens were dumping copious amounts of water and I was chattin' up race stuff and tri gear with a teammate, I look to my right and hear "Ms Lindsey?"...it was Big Daddy Diesel!!! We chatted for a bit and suddenly, the sun was making an appearance and everyone scattered the pavilion. I made one last trip to transition and pulled on the wetsuit. which, i will note, is much more difficult to do when feet are wet.

The 1500m Swim:
We ladies are always given the last wave start. It sucks because there are actually some decent female swimmers. And some not so decent male swimmers. But I digress....So, we finally got started about an hour after supposed start. Out to the forst turn, no major issues. Upon making that turn...CHOP! I didn't mind it, but I was a little taken by surprise the first couple strokes. Swim, turn, swim....straight into the sun. I lost sighting and went off course a bit. Back on and a fairly uneventful second lap swimming over previous waves. Time: 23:45

T1:
Run up the muddy hill to transition...to empty foot bath buckets. The sprint tri waves had all gone off before the Oly and I guess they decided to NOT refill them? Anyway, run, find bike, strip wetsuit, don shoes, helmet, go get other sunglasses from bag...ugh. that took forever. time: 2:08

The 40k Bike:
Windy? Windy. Windy! The first 15-20 mins were just spent getting into the groove. I was cruising at 21-23mph. I took in water. Then the crosswinds hit. I decided to take in a gel....just a girl in a black skin suit riding a P3 with Zipp wheels and an aero helmet passed me. Dammit! The goal then became to just not let her out of sight. As I was climbing the first hill at the end of loop one, a CincyExpress teammate passed me with some trash talk stating that Barry might get chicked by me, but he wouldn't. When I caught him on the next little climb, I told him he better hurry up then. And he took off.
The second loop was much the same as the first. I took in another gel, drank some gatorade. At the top of that first climb is a flat that is straight into a headwind and I saw my speed drop to 11.4mph. A huge highlight of the tailwind though was seeing my speed over 30mph! The second time I was going in for those hills, I picked up a guy. He was sucking my wheel and I was getting irritated. I'd seen quite a bit of drafting out on the course. And I almost opened my trap a couple times, but really, they're the ones that have to live with cheating. So, I kept my mouth shut.
As I was finishing up the bike, I saw a couple other Cincy Express teammates already out on the run, so I shouted as loud as I could and pretty soon, I was pulling into T2. Time: 1:12.01

T2:
Rack my bike, take off shoes, helmet, slip on Zoots...and for some reason I walked until I hit that timing mat. I still had NO idea where I stood place wise. And I was having fun, so I didn't really care. I also knew I was making fairly good time.

The 10k Run:
It was flat and fast. But also all in the sun. The first mile is trudged across the levee, on grass...that had just been rained on...and tramped across by the sprint tri peeps. So, it was, needless to say, a little sloppy. I hot the first mile at 7:18 and waited for my legs to come around. Just before the turnaround, I saw the leading female (who I'd beat at Triple in every race). I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could hunt her down on the second half of the run...and then, at the turn around, I saw black speedsuit girl stopping for water. I got some water myself and went on ahead as she was complaining of cramping.
I kept myself relaxed and ready to go at any moment. At the last water stop, with about a mile to go, I asked for a Heed and heard "Water! Water! Water!" from black speedsuit just behind me. I didn't even look back, I just decided to pick up the pace for the last few minutes. With about a quarter mile to go, we hit the home stretch into the parking lot and round a corner where her cheering squad was based. They yell for her as she passes me. I was exhausted. She'd stayed right on my heels the whole last half and I didn't have it in me to go and get her in the last few hundred yards....
Until I heard someone yell my name. Suddenly, I knew I had it. I got a shit eatin' grin on my face, giggled aloud and poured it on, coming in 20 or so feet ahead of her at the finish. (Also outsprinting the CE guy who wasn't going to get chicked by me. Interestingly, he also started a wave ahead of me, so it turned out to be a 2 min beating.) Time (via watch as T2 and run did not get separated): 44:00

Total time of 2:23.04. 3rd place overall.

Post-Race:
I talked to some teammates and Scott (Big Daddy Diesel) and got a little something to snack on and then headed home. I had intended to ride (my bike) home from the race with a buddy of mine. Due to extenuating circumstances, this did not occur. So, upon arriving home, I went out for a two hour ride with the boy. And my legs were feeling it with every little riser. We discussed riding and racing technique and the mental aspects of competition. He's got a wealth of knowledge. And experience. Lucky me!

My masseuse

2010-06-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

I was driving home yesterday when my phone rang. I recognized the number, but couldn't exactly place it. I, master of call screening, decided to answer, knowing I could cut the convo short because I had to get ready for a ride.

me: Hello?
Caller: "Amanda! Hello! This is Suzanne! How are you doing?"
me: "HI!!!! I'm great!"
Suzanne: "I was just looking for someone's number and I saw your name and number right next to their's...and I just got the feeling I should give you a ring".

[Suzanne is my very intuitive English masseuse that also doubles a somewhat of a spiritual guide. She just knows stuff. I also have not seen her since before Australia, which was late October.]

Suzanne: "Goodness! Australia must seem like eons ago! Are you going back? To stay perhaps? I have this feeling you're going away".
me: [as chills run down my spine...sometimes I forget just how intuitive she is.] "um. No...but I am moving to Connecticut at the end of the month."
Suzanne: "AHA!! That's it! Well, i'm certainly glad I called then!"

So, I'm going to go see her next weekend.
And, yes, I'm moving northeast at the end of June.
And I'm quite excited...though I will miss all my crazy training partners and friends here. It's just time to start a new chapter.

Yikes! Stripes!

2010-06-03T12:25:00.000-04:00

You know summer is approaching when the crazy stripey tan lines start showing up on the arms, shoulders, back, ankles and legs.

This, right here, is the result of a ride over the long weekend. I went to IL to visit with family. My mom lives in Effingham, which is 47 miles from my uncle, who lives on a lake in Olney. I decided to get some training in on some very flat land with a trip on my TT bike from mom's to uncle's on Saturday.

Holy headwind! It's flat in south central Illinois, but damn is it windy! I had some demons to fight while riding. I literally screamed out loud at the wind at one point because it was just relentless. I'll take hills over wind anyday. The ride out (and against the wind) took me 2:16. And upon arrival, I ran down to the dock and jumped into the lake. That was followed by a beer, food, floating in the water, a ride on a jet ski, socializing with family...and then a ride back to Effingham. For perspective on that wind...it only took me 2:05 to get back, but the wind had died down (and no, it's not because i couldn't feel the benefit of a tailwind. i actually looked at the flagpoles). By the time I got back to mom's, I was beat! And Clubby and I laid down for a good night's sleep....

We awoke early the next morning to some crazy humidity. I mean, I checked the weather and it was 72 degrees with 94% humidity at 6:30 am. So, I set out for my run and decided that I'd just go as long as I could with the heat without hurting. I still had to drive to grandma's and then back home that day and I didn't want to be overly exhausted. Plus, I was just a week off TTT. I made it 1:15. with 4 water stops.

And then off to granny's for a visit. Meanwhile, the boy was back home meeting up with dad for a talk...more on that later.

Last week was just a whirlwind. And this week, while short, has been much the same. We're getting some crazy storms here now. And I just lost my toenail.

Other than that, I'm doing an Olympic tri at Deer Creek on Sunday. And then riding home from the race site (about 87 miles?). Some teammates are up in Quassy, CT doing the Rev3 Half this weekend. The following weekend, there is a 40k TT and I committed to a long ride after that with a friend. And the following day is Ride Cincinnati. Then the following weekend is a visit to CT myself and Father's Day! Big month. Lots happening!

More TTT pics and favorite race moments

2010-05-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

There are several things about the weekend which I left out. First and foremost, the format of the race, which is as follows:

* Race #1 - Fri, 5pm - Super Sprint - 250m swim, 5 mile bike, 1 mile run - time trial start - no drafting!
* Race #2 - Sat, 7:30am -Olympic AM - 1500m swim, 24.8 mile bike, 6.55 mile run - time trial start, no drafting!
* Race #3 - Sat, 3pm - Olympic PM - 24.8 mile bike, 1500m swmi, 6.55 mile run - teams MUST start and finish together - time trial start - Drafting allowed among each team ONLY!
* Race #4 - Sun, 7am - Half Iron - 1.2mile swim, 55.5 mile bike, 13.1 mile run - teams MUST start and finish together - time trial start - Drafting allowed among each team ONLY!

I was 1/2 of a coed team. We were competing for:

* 1st Place Coed Team - (2 $1500 WheelieFun Gift Card, 2 Hammer Nutrition Packages**)
* 2nd Place Coed Team - (2 Garmin Forerunners, 2 Transition Bags, 2 Hammer Nutrition Packages**)

* 3rd Place Coed Team - (2*wetsuits, 2 Hammer Nutrition Packages**)

I already have a sleeveless and a sleeved wetsuit. We weren't vying for third place.This is me and Scott G., my partner, during the last race.

We also had to wear these hideous jerseys for all four races. And the pockets were on each side (think love handle look when you have gels in said pockets), which did not lead to flattering pictures. And they were not exactly breatheable. And they held water. like. you. wouldn't. believe. Putting on a cold, wet, stinky, jersey first thing in the morning isn't the most pleasant of things.

I had so many friends doing this race. It's only 90 mins from Cincy, so lots of my teammates were out on the course, as well as my new coach, who told me he was "seeing God" as I cheered him on, running in the opposote direction. This is me and my buddy, Ackerman. We train together quite a bit. And I'm gonna miss the crap out of him now that we'll be on different training schedules.

The water was REALLY frickin' cold. I didn't wear a wetsuit for the Super Sprint on Friday since it was so short, but I was prepped to wear it Saturday. It rained (ie- electricity went out, tornado sirens were blaring, and the beach disappeared). I wasn't exactly prepped for the water to be even colder Saturday. Here I am chatting with my friend, Amy, and her partner before race #2. Nice bedhead.

Post race #2. Or #3? This is a redneck's ice bath.

And this is my timing chip stripper. He came for me every time, told me he likes legs after the first race. And after the last one, I was his "other girlfriend". Actually, he also fetched me a Coke and told my mom that he's from Wisconsin and that her "sister or daughter is the sweetest girl!" Yes, folks, I'm moving to WI!

This guy...well, just look.

I love running. Evidenced by the beaming smile.

I was registered for TTT last year, but got sick and couldn't compete. I've worked hard to get back to doing what I love. And to do it as best I can. Out on that run course, I had a few moments where I literally got chills when I heard people cheering for me. Sometimes, it all just feels really surreal. And my mom caught that moment just as the tears began to flow at the end of the race. Because I had something to gain here. I had some closure to attain.

I have the greatest parents. Mom and dad were both there. Mom captured me and dad having a moment.

TRIPLE T RR

2010-05-24T21:23:00.000-04:00

Race #1 - was over before it even started. And it was just a lot of heavy breathing. That short stuff is for the birds! Time 25:30

Race #2- i was instructed to take it easy cause the real race wasn't to begin until the afternoon oly. Sleeveless wetsuit was a poor choice. That water was frigid!!! feet were numb through the bike and the course got changed because of a downed tree.didn't matter much to me. It was all fun. And i barely remember the run. Probably because i was cheering for everyone i passed. time - 2:39

race #3 - i was afraid i was gonna slow Scott down. But the bike went smoothly. He pulled on the flats and before i knew it, i was trying to put on my wetsuit. Over sweat. I also flirted with one of the volunteers in transition. This came to be very helpful later. Swim was cold, but relatively uneventful. Scott was gettin his shoes on when i ran into t2. and flirtatious volunteer stripped me immediately. So we got outta transition quickly. And out for the run. Which i love! we took it easy on the way out and brought it in quicker. Time - 2:33

race #4- going into this race, we knew we were sitting in second place, but we weren't sure of the margin. apparently, Scott thought the race began at 7:30. not the case. I was panicked because he wasn't around. He rolled up sans goggles as i was on the mat. Again, cold cold water. Out of the water and Scott was already suited up. Yes, he has gills. He stripped my suit and we were off on the bike. That first lOng climb was fun. I was a little concerned about going out too hard on the first loop, but that's the genius of having a partner. The key was to keep taking in calories. We made a quick stop at special needs to fill up on fluids The second loop seemed to go more quickly, but that may be due to the fact that we were playing tag with Scott and andrea Meyer, who were sitting in 3rd place. After bombing down 125 one last time and peeing yet again, it was a quick t2 and out for the run. Strategy: go easy until the last 2.5 miles and take fluids at every aid station. And no walking!! Scott had to talk me through the top of the first hill, but then i found my legs and started smiling again. I loved seeing so many familiar faces, cheering on other e2 and CE peeps and generally just racing. I got a little overzealous on the downhills and the guys were making cracks on Scott not being able to hang, but truly, we were a great match for this race. We won this race time - 5:21.58

we weren't able to make up the time that the first team had led, but we came in a very respectable 2nd overall.(by just 4 mins). And we won hammer nutrition packs, a TYR transition bag and a Garmin 305!!! An AMAZING weekend!! So much fun!!!! Can't believe this is MY life. wow.

Gut check

2010-05-18T14:28:00.000-04:00

Oh boy am I slacking on my posts...
Truthfully, it's because while my personal life is rife with excitement, I can't divulge it all publicly. Just yet.
And on the training front, it's pretty much same ol', same ol'. Lots of swim-bike-run. Except now it's taper time. The weekend held the last long bike and run before this weekend's epic Triple T. I'm very much looking forward to it.
I had a bit of a meltdown Sunday night when I got an email from my coach informing me I'm being handed off to another coach. A coach who is a very talented athlete (first amateur at Rev 3 Knoxville kinda talented). But a coach with whom I have not worked. Or trained. Or even conversed. I was feeling more than a little rejected. And deflated.
But I got over myself.
And decided to take the "this could be a great opportunity" and "it's all happening for a reason" attitude.
And, really, right now, I have far too much for which to be grateful. And too much to focus on with the race this weekend. No doubt it will be a total sufferfest.
And my partner is a badass. So, i have that to look forward to.

what's happening

2010-05-13T17:15:00.000-04:00

- I did my first TT of the season on Tuesday evening. I took 16 seconds off my best time from last year. I had forgotten how much these things hurt. It was like going out and running a 5k after training for a marathon. Completely different zone. There is still much room for improvement.

- I have a pair of earrings of very sentimental value. About a month ago, I was wearing said earrings while out with a friend. We ventured to a restaurant, sat outside, inside, walked around town a bit, went to another venue to play pool...when I noticed one of them was missing. (gasp!) We retraced our steps to no avail. I hoped it would be found in his car. But two days later, he cleaned the car top to bottom (and he's quite OCD) with no sign of the earring. Flash forward to Tuesday evening. 9:30pm. My phone rings and it's my agnostic friend:

"You know how the Lord works in mysterious ways?"
me: "uh huh".
him: "I tucked my boys into bed and I went down to the basement to chill out. I see that my boys had left all their crap lying around. And honestly, I was kinda pissed off because there's shit everywhere. I go to pick up a pair of socks off the end of the couch...and there was your earring....lying on top of the sock"
me: "WTF?!?!? How?" as chills ran down the back of my neck.
Seriously. I have never stepped foot in his house. And I am not really sure how that thing ended up there.

- Change is in the air. I got one of those "this is better than I could've imagined" kinda surprises on Tuesday evening as I was on my way to the TT. I will divulge more later. Stay tuned.

- Instictively, I was up at 4:19 yesterday morning. After tossing for a half hour, I just decided to go get my track work done. I was informed just two days prior that someone had a dream in which I was stabbed to death. This is all I could think of as I ventured to the track. That lies under the bridge. Alone. In the dark. How's that for motivation to run like hell?

- The humidity is back in the 'Nati. Half way through those 2 mile repeats (with a few 300s/400s/1200s thrown in for good measure), I looked as though I'd jumped in a pool. The sweat was flinging off my elbows and hitting the backs of my legs as I rounded the track again and again. And, of course, I was wearing a white sports bra.

- Triple T is in just one short week.

My couch has a lovely imprint

2010-05-10T17:40:00.001-04:00

Of my ass! because that's where it was planted all weekend.

Thursday morning, I wasn't really "feeling the water" at practice, but I busted my ass and made it through. By lunch time, I had this slight sore throat. It was just scratchy enough to be annoying. When lunch got pushed back to 1pm and I realized I only eaten a banana and some oatmeal and I wasn't woozy with low blood sugar (ie - i had no appetite! gasp!). If you know me, you know this last little morsel of information is critical. And should be cause for concern.

What did I do? Yeah, I tried to go ahead and train that evening. I took the P2 bike out for a spin. And my legs didn't have a whole lot of pick up, but I just pushed on through, feeling parched and as though I were sucking air into my lungs through a straw. And I got home, threw on my run shoes and set out for the half hour run, as scheduled.

Legs.
would.
not.
move.

Seriously. No pick-up-and-go. A measly 12 mins and I was collapsed on my living room floor.
I succumbed to being sick, though I tried really hard to defy the odds. I even got up and went to work. But after about four people told me I looked like death, and nodding off while attempting to type, I decided to call it a day.

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to go ride the TTT course with my race partner on Saturday, as I have yet to ride with him. And the race is less than two weeks away. (sigh). And, of course, Saturday morning, I really really wanted to go. I mean, I'd even set my stuff out to take the night before, like my mental fortitude was going to knock out this bug!

Alas, I did not go to Portsmouth. And it was a wise decision. Because I did allow my mind to talk my body into a run. That ended with black, coffee-rich vomit. And again, a heap on my living room floor.
That taught me a very valuable lesson: REST WHEN SICK!

I finally listened to my body for the remainder of the weekend...except for a quick trip down memory lane with an old college friend at Habanero's. Oh, the dumb things we did back in the day...

Some angel in the darkness brought me some much needed NyQuil, Vick's Vapo-Rub, Vitamin Water, Sprite...in the middle of a hazy sick fog Saturday night. And Clubber provided a great cuddling companion.
T
his morning, I awoke feeling spry again! And started the day with a great 8 mile hill run. But I'll be relaxing this evening.

Our little tri team put a hurtin' on at Rev 3 Knoxville Olympic, taking:
1st Male Ameteur - Coach Ed A
4th Male Amateur - Coach Eddy W
2nd Female Amateur - Missy K
4th Female 30-34 - Erika W
7th Male 35-39 - Kromer
10th Male 35-39 - Matt M (Squirrel)

AND...on Saturday, my girl (and teammate) Holly broke the women's 40k TT record with a 1:02.

I am with a fast group of people here...Congrats to all!

more pig pics and getting back at it

2010-05-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

The week after a recovery week is always fun. I went to masters on Tuesday morning and made some sets I've never been able before and set a new time in the 200 (2:33). And then Tuesday night, I debated the "race pace" group...but after a little cajoling, I joined. And it turned out, it was just what I needed to spark some life back into my gams.

Yesterday was one of those crazy days where I get up early for....work (gasp!) It was painful. I had a 90 min run on the schedule. And by the time I left work, I was a wreck! Things were just not going my way. People were being rude, my head was messing with me, I was full of indecision and pessimism. I even got called out on my cranky pants attitude. I mean, I was verbally dreading the run due to the 85 degree temps!

But, as I've experienced so many times before, once I get out on the road, with some time alone with my thoughts, maybe some good tunes, the sun overhead and the breeze blowing, my piss poor mood just melts away. And in drifts a softer, more pleasant, appreciative and clear thinking Amanda.

And on that note, I leave you with some photos from the half marathon over the weekend.

I think it had actually stopped raining in this photo. That or the photog's exposure is up.

This one is about a half mile from the finish. I'd had my sights set on her back for a few miles and I finally felt comfortable taking a surge and being able to hold it.

And this one is crossing the finish line. Note the large costumed Pig on the right. The spectators and volunteers were awesome on a very soggy day.

I ended up placing 16th female of 5941 and negative splitting, which was the goal. It was my first half (outside of a 70.3) and I wanted to remain calm for the first 8 miles, as the hills are pretty atrocious. The last four miles are pretty much downhill, so I took the opportunity to pour on some speed for those.

Oh, what a wild ride!

2010-05-02T17:13:00.000-04:00

I am not one who likes to dwell on the past. But there are times in which I think it's important we reflect on past events, just to gage progress or even find some gratitude.

Today was the Flying Pig Marathon and Half Marathon. I did the half. In pouring rain. In 1:33.44, with which I'm quite satisfied. What I find more satisfying is that my feet are in pain. And my hips ache. And, well, I got to race.

I was running errands yesterday, feeling the nerves creep in, when I remembered back to a year ago and what I was doing then. I was slated to run the full Pig. But that didn't happen. I ended up getting really sick. And I was in the ER the Saturday before the race. In that instant, the nerves diminished and I was overcome with gratitude.

I can recall my dad being devastated, but also telling me that he didn't know how, but he just knew I would come out of that stronger. And in the last year, I've come to really appreciate the people that truly care about me, in a way I never knew before. I've come to find my real friends.

There have been highs and lows scattered about over the past year, but there's something to be said about going through something you really think might break you...and coming out on the other side. I'm, in no way, saying I'm some superstar. There are those who have seen tragedy I can only imagine. I'm simply saying there are events that occur that can really put things into perspective. It's not always about how fast a race is run. Or how many hours go into training. Or where we rank on the finish line. Sometimes, it's just getting across that finish line that is so gratifying. And sometimes, I'm actually grateful for those dreadful, painful, gut-busting experiences...because they build character. And strength. And they provide a very wild ride. Because at the bottom of every valley is an incline to get out. And once you've stumbled and rolled down that hill, kicking and screaming and crying, thinking your spirit is broken, never to be recovered, you find you actually have the strength to pick yourself back up and charge the hill.

So, today's race was one that didn't really matter for the books. It was one that was wet. And rough. for everyone. And it was one I was glad to be able to do. Even with the downpour and lightning, I never once thought of skipping it or sleeping in. What we do is a priviledge. Making it hurt, putting in the hours on the road and in the water and on the saddle are things we get to do. And today, I was grateful just to do that.

Put some fun between your legs

2010-04-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

how is this not the greatest. shirt. ever?
http://rubbersidedown.bigcartel.com/product/fun-legs-cream-flavored

not that they aren't ALL great.
http://rubbersidedown.bigcartel.com/products

I rode. I raced

2010-04-26T17:06:00.000-04:00

So, I had my first experience with a road race yesterday at the Spring Valley Road Race. If you check the results, I'm the one with no team and no license number. Ha.

I'd been told about the team strategies and how things may unfold, but it was a much different experience being in the pack and watching it all unfold. I'm used to either hammering in a paceline or just going balls out for a few hours. All this surging and starting and stopping was interesting...and how Team Dayton actually worked as a team.

Anyway, three Team Dayton girls broke away and me and two other girls went for the chase, but we didn't catch them, so the three of us worked together through the final two legs. I was just using this as a training ride, as it was 46 miles and I needed to ride. And it was wet and windy, so the race seemed like a better option than the trainer.

I came in 3rd for the Cat3/4s and 5th overall. Not bad.

Always something new

2010-04-23T17:03:00.000-04:00

Ya know how sometimes life just surprises you? Sometimes it's the good wow-i-never-knew-what-i-was-missing! kinda surprise. And sometimes it's the don't-know-what-you-had-til-it's-gone kinda surprise. That latter kind sucks.

I got a kick-in-the-gut surprise the other night by someone I love dearly. And this person is always supportive in word, but when it comes to action, there is very little follow through. And for some reason, I continue to believe the word, even when experience tells me I shouldn't.

So, that hit Wednesday.

I ended up taking Clubber to the dog park and vacuuming since I ran an easy 7 that morning and I knew Masters wouldn't be cake the next morning. And because I knew, mentally, I was a little bummed, which meant I would totally kill myself trying to blow off steam if I trained. And frankly, that would be a bad choice.

But I wasn't disappointed with swim practice. After warm-up, it was 30 mins of 100s on 1:25. And then it was 10 mins of 50s kicking with fins on :45.

I met my buddy, Ackerman, for a ride after work and we tagged on the back of a group ride...where I discovered the identity of Joe Biker, oh so randomly. We're riding along and I thought he looked like this other cyclist I met a while back. I say, "are you Dale?" and he says, "No, I'm Joe." DING DING DING. Light bulb! So, the mystique is gone and I now know what he looks like, in real life.

Anyway, it was a good ride - enough speed to keep it interesting, enough distance to make it a workout, enough good cheer to keep it fun and one neon wearing, whistle-toting safety cyclist to scare off dogs, drivers and birds.

Tomorrow was supposed to be a trip over to Shawnee to ride the TTT course, but it looks to be a washout...so intense trainer session followed by a run in the rain...and if it's not storming Sunday, my first bike race!

Almost doesn't count

2010-04-21T19:00:00.000-04:00

After coming home from HOS and getting right back into training at high intensity and volume, I found myself feeling somewhat weak. Over the weekend, we had some group training and I knew I wasn't feeling up to snuff, so while I wanted to push, I just didn't have it in me. So, I did what I could and didn't stress so much about it. I made sure to eat right and I spent some time with my feet up on the couch. Sunday morning, I went for a long run and then to a local road race to watch some friends kick some tail on their rides. I also wanted to get a better sense for what road racing entails because I've been encouraged to participate.

Anyway, I took it easy for the most part over the weekend and through Monday. by Tuesday morning, I was feeling a bit sluggish, but I went to swim practice with the attitude that if I don't feel well, I don't have to kill myself.

But something happened.

The water treated me really well! I'm not sure if it's because I did take it kinda easy for a couple days or what, but I was hitting times I couldn't make just a few weeks ago. And at the very end of practice, we did a 200 all out and I went 2:38, which is really good for me. We had some intervals as our main set...we were doing 6x50 on :35 with fins and then 200 non-free easy four times through. The third round through, these 50s, the lactic acid had really built up and my heart rate was through the roof and I almost...ALMOST thought I was gonna see that breakfast banana again.

That night, I was highly anticipating this group ride out of the LBS. I get there and they announce that there are going to now be three groups instead of two...now there will be a "race pace", "fast" and a "moderate"...due to the fact that there was such a pace discrepency in the previously named "fast" group the week before.

I opted for the "race pace" group as I'd ridden with some of the guys before and been able to hang on just fine. This week, there were some new faces, in particular, three cat 3 men. It was a fast ride from the get go. And then we added in some hills. Like four of them. Four of them that are very long. And very steep. One guy actually claimed the second one was the worst hill he's come across in all of NKY. And as I climbed, breathing like Darth Vador, lungs burning, quads on fire, praying that around each bend we crested I would see the top, I again ALMOST lost my lunch...er, pre-ride smoothie. And as always, I was amazed at how the downhills allow for recovery and you forget the pain of each hill until you hit the next one.

I did finish the ride. And I wasn't the last one up any of the hills. And I did take pulls and i did hang on. And I was tired by the end. But the kinda of tired that makes you fall asleep happy. And grateful that I've been fortunate enough to have some very special people take an interest in helping me out.

I almost threw up twice in one day from workouts. But almost doesn't count, right? Instead I got to push my limits just a little further for the day.

Casual Friday

2010-04-16T17:00:00.000-04:00

They're my favorite day of the week. Actually, my favorite work day of the week. Wearing jeans and a tank to work just makes life more tolerable, right?

Anyway, many thanks to the congrats on the 200 miler. It was difficult. But I'm glad to have it under my belt.

It was not an "A" race, which means that training commenced immediately after returning home. Sunday was shot with the drive home from AL and returning the rental car and unpacking, etc. But, Monday, it was back in the pool...which felt AMAZING, btw...the cool bouyancy and lack of leg usage after being cramped in a car. After riding for 12 hours. (And Sean, no, my ass wasn't sore. Good cycling shorts and Chamois Butt'r work magic. I just stopped in the LBS to pick some up and met my future boyfriend.)

Tuesday was Masters swimming and a 2 hour ride after work. And Wednesday was a run and a ride. And Thursday was Masters and a run. Today, Friday, weights and a run. And now I'm tired. And the rain is coming in, which is also, apparently, going to bring in cooler temps. So, the couch and a movie are calling my name. Because tomorrow morning is a brick with the team. Gotta get ready for Triple T!!!

HOS 200 Race report

2010-04-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

The Heart of the South 200 started at 5am on Saturday morning. It was dark. Like, really dark. And cold. About 40 degrees. But the high was slated to be 75, so it was all about layering. We were just outside Birmingham, AL, which is gorgeous country. There were probably 25 of us that started the race (small, I know) and we had a nice paceline going. In the dark, pace lines can be tricky. I was incredibly grateful that there were a few recumbants that stay in the back, for drafting purposes, and have huge spotlights. My little light peetered out after about an hour because I forgot to charge it. Duh!

This is the description of the beginning of the course from the website:
Starting you will encounter some short sharp hills before getting out of the Cahaba River area; by mile 20 these are gone. The next few miles are rolling hills

Before long, the sun began to rise. And the sky was lit up all fushia and orange. It was breath taking! We passed through farmland, rolling hills, lush green fields full of cows and horses and the occasional barn or house. The crowd of cyclists started to break up a bit, but six of our seven were still together at mile 30.

And that's when I felt that urge...to pee. But I held on until someone else absolutely had to go. Three of us stopped together and the other three of our team went on ahead in the lead pack. These were also the only three of our team that had done the race the year before. So, it was me, my buddy Ackerman, whom I train with pretty consistently, and Kromer, who is a climbing machine and very, very nice guy that I'd had little riding experience with prior to this double century.

After some rolling hills, we hit some major fog and assumed we were near a body of water. It wasn't until we passed the dam that we were able to see the lake and the people fishing on it.

We paused at mile 40 for the first check-in and to refill water bottles. We were all still feeling quite spry. It wasn't even 7am, so that's pretty normal, I suppose.

We went through some flats and took five minute pulls. Ackerman started giving us a guided bird tour. And we came across wild turkeys. But not very many people.

We stopped again at mile 70, where our SAG was waiting in the parking lot of a small car dealership. We did our business, refueled, and told SAG to meet us again in about 20 miles. Between miles 85 and 92, the roads had been repaved and covered the marker where there was a turn. Just before we hit it, we stopped to ask a couple locals (who thought we were absolutely NUTS) if we were on the right track. We hit a few mile+ climbs that were ~~brutal~~ fun. We were aware that the real climbs started after the 100 mile mark. And that's when Ackerman said "If we haven't climbed a mountain yet, I'm in trouble".

And here's how the remainder of the ride is described:
After the back roads you end up at route 78 and the last two significantly long sections of climbing. The first is the run up to Cheaha Mountain. The Park Service recently put its’ famous stone and tar covering on the surface of the road. ... since this is a “scenic” road, there are four steep climbs. A profile has been created, click here; Scenic Highway 281.

Ok, so, this part wasn't so bad. I was still feeling pretty fresh. We'd hit the century mark at about five hours and we'd all been surprised at how great we were feeling. I took off and Kromer joined me. We had also started playing tag with a group of four other cyclists, one of whom was another female. She'd done the 500 mile ride a couple years ago. Sounds insane to me! But, anyway, she's telling us a little about the course and everyone is still smiling...
After this section you start the climb of Mount Cheaha, a longer, steady climb to the highest point in Alabama. A profile has been created, click here; Mount Cheaha.

This is when things turned sour. The sun had come out. My forearms were on fire. I couldn't get my breathing under control. I hadn't eaten in almost two hours. And I was feeling a little dizy. I started to question my ability to even finish the race. I was on the back of my saddle grinding in my smallest gear, willing my legs to turn over. Every time I looked up, I could see Kromer ahead of me. And I swear, he never stopped going up.

And then finally...sweet relief!!! Our SAG was at the top of Cheaha. He had a Gatorade bottle and a water bottle in his hands and was ready to pass them off. But I was ready to cry. And get off my bike. Or quit. I yelled to him "DON'T LEAVE!". It must've been a pretty convincing wimper because he stayed.

I got some fluids and some food and salt tabs. And took a pee. And my mood lifted as I saw Ackerman rising over the crest of the mountain. Unfortunately, his mood was much like mine when I had arrived at that spot - foul. He smarted off something. We all stripped some more clothes and hopped back on our bikes. It was close to 75 degrees at that point. And not a cloud in the sky.

And this was what came next:
A nice decent, with some ups and downs on the way and then back in the flatter lands of rolling terrain, and across another dam, south of the first crossed, same river. Getting close to the finish there are two 1.5 mile climbs, shown on the profile; Last Two Climbs

Kromer and I lost Ackerman on the downhill as he had some technical difficulty with his gearing. We bombed through some rollers. We stopped around mile 135. And while 65 miles doesn't seem like that much in the grand scheme of things, my legs were thinking differently. They wanted it to be over. But my mind knew there was much more to come.

There were potty breaks and reapplications of Chamois Butt'r (which I HIGHLY endorse). And eating of peanut butter crackers. There were cows and horses and even an emu farm!

Kromer and I continued to play tag with that group of four I mentioned earlier. We hit a check point with about 50 miles remaining, just after picking up Ackerman again. We filled up with water there and ran into our SAG just a few miles later. We stopped and I had the most amazing thing of the day...an ice cold Coke!

Kromer and I took off and Ack decided to rest a while. The two of us took turns pulling and worked together those last miles. It was rough. And I was whiney. But at that point, I knew there were only a couple hours remaining. By the time we hit those last two big climbs, my legs were toast. But I was so so so relieved to see the Cracker Barrel parking lot (ie - the finish) at 11 hours 53 mins, just under that 12 hour goal. I was second female (although there were only four of us) and 9th finisher overall. My coach set a new course record (in 10:35!!!) and my teammate, Missy, set a new women's course record in 10:55.

Afterward, we showered, had bar-b-que and hit the sack. I thought I'd not want to be on the bike for days...but don't ya know, I've ridden the last two nights :)

Dirrrttty South

2010-04-13T12:17:00.001-04:00

We all survived the Heart of the South 200. It was, by far, the most beautiful, picture perfect, amazing, difficult ride I've ever done. Mount Cheeha is no joke. According to my buddy's Garmin, we did over 14,000ft of climbing, though I don't know the accuracy of that information. Needless to say, it wasn't flat. I will post a full race report soon, and I did manage to attain my goal for the ride. I'll leave you with this picture of our good-looking team, even after being in the saddle for hours and hours.

Love yourself

2010-04-01T15:33:00.000-04:00

Love yourself, for who and what you are; protect your dream and develop your talent to the fullest extent.
-Joan Benoit Samuelson

And then go visit Big Bikes. Or Zen. But don't read with liquids in your mouth. Unless, of course, your computer screen needs a cleaning anyway.

I've been wiping tears of laughter from my eyes all morning. So much for that carefully applied eye liner. It's now smeared all over my face.

It's just one of those days. I awoke at 4:30am to 54 degrees. And then I heard "diiirrrrrty" on my way to swim practice. And then we did zombie kicks and the chicken wing swim, among much else. And at work, I got a call from one of my sales reps that was let go (he also gave me a card, thanking me for my attitude. not good attitude or bad attitude, just attitude. ha. and he left me with his SI swimsuit edition collection). Another old rep of mine stopped in the office to say hello as well. I've had this silly shit-eatin' grin on my face all day.

It's spring! We topped out at 70something degrees yesterday and I've missed Jeopardy the last two nights to ride. I had to be the voice of reason for my training buddy last night and force the ride to end at just over two hours...and moments before dusk...because it is recovery week. And, well, that is not on the schedule.

I took the dog for a walk over my lunch break and couldn't help but laugh about how dogs really do immitate their owners after a period of time. For example, Clubber is easily distracted. She enjoys walking for a period of time, but then a squirrel will catch her eye. As soon as it runs off, she's looking at the flower that's popping up or sniffing another dog's shit or scoping out one of the billion feral cats in the neighborhood. This is much how I in regard to, well, everything - men, training, projects at work, blogs (this is why i have 7 windows open, each with a blog)... And then, Clubby and I were walking along a residential area and a dog comes up to the fence. They trot along for about...2 seconds, when Clubber decides she has to do her business. NOW. It doesn't matter who's watching or what she was doing. All that matters is that she needs relief. Much like the other night when I was on a group ride with all men. Snot rockets and spit all over the place. Or when we were riding loops in Ault Park a couple weeks back and the bathrooms were closed, I just squatted near the tree line (and was, of course, called a "hillbilly" by training buddy). Some things just can't wait. So, yes, I am like a dog.

I'm babbling now. Giddy with anticipation of what Friday and the weekend hold. Signing off

Really really

2010-03-31T16:41:00.000-04:00

There are certain things I really, really like.
Like, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And kisses from my Clubby. And listening to the rain late at night.
Oh! And Cadbury Cream eggs!

I also really like the sun. And spring weather. And heat. Taking the pup for walks and not freezing the tips of my fingers off. Going out for a run and not seeing my breath. Driving to swim practice in flip flops...

And I really, really like riding with the boys. And running over my lunch break. I really, really like sleeping in 'til 6am. And recovery. And I get all of them in this one short week!

There are a few things I really, really don't like. Whining. Mind games. Weird men. Catty women. When friends lose their jobs. The cellulite that I noticed on the back of my leg the other day (gasp!) and when telling a friend, being told "well, you are getting older".

But the good thing is that those things I really, really don't like can be forgotten with any one of those things that I really, really do like. And I always remember those.

old friends, new adventures and the importance of listening

2010-03-29T10:10:00.001-04:00

So, it's been a while...ya know, since I've had anything interesting to say. I've been reading everyone else, hoping to gain some inspiration. But my wit has left me.

This must mean I'm tired.
Or maybe I'm not really witty.

Some fun things...
- Friday, I picked up my bike from 1919. New chain, new bar tape, new cleats, and squeaky clean. That all changed Saturday. But it lasted for all of about 12 hours.
- I swam alone of Friday morning. I almost never do this because I hate it. I much rather have some company. But my buddy didn't show. So, I pretended to know the girl in the lane next to me and compete with her. Even though she wasn't aware of our new friendship. Or competition.
- Friday evening was dinner at Dewey's Pizza with my teammates that are doing HOS 200 in two weeks. We also had some spouses, children and SAG peeps. I think our party totalled 12 in all. Never in my life have I seen so much pizza consumed by so few people. Or so few people who are not overweight. Anyway, we discussed strategy and nutrition. And checked out the course profile. The three that did it last year then told us how much ~~it made them never want to ride again~~ fun it was.
- Saturday was track work followed by bike intervals. Again. This is another workout I hate doing alone so my old asst track coach joined me and a training buddy. Let me just say that 4x2000 @6:30 pace makes me want to shit my pants when placed at the end of three 20+hr/weeks. Old track coach dominated these with ~ 6:15 pace. He's doing the Hawaii 70.3 in June. He thinks he can qualify for Kona in the 40-44AG. Saturday was his first time on the bike in close to a year. And this will be his first HIM. Ever. We had an easy warm-up followed by 3x6miles at TT effort. We (training bud and I) averaged about 23mph, (which I realize isn't super speedy, but you go out and do track work and then try it; suffice to say, it hurts). And dropped old coach. I suppose his sights aren't impossible...but me thinks there may be a humbling process...I think so many people don't realize just how much work this stuff takes. I will keep you updated. Ya know, if anyone is interested.

About a year ago, I really learned the importance of listening to my body. It's crucial in training at a high(er) level.

Yesterday, my body was screaming at me.

First, I slept through my alarm. And got a total of 10 hours of sleep. I did a quick loosen spin on the trainer, showered and went to help out with registration at the Germantown Road Race. It was cold and windy and rainy. And I was glad to not be racing myself. I did run into some of the cyclists that were in TN a few weeks back. I also met a triathlete. It was his first road race. I told him not to annouce his status. Unless he wanted everyone to know he couldn't hold a line.

After all that hullabaloo, I went home to get on the trainer. Instead, my body told me to take a nap. I guess it hadn't registered to my body that we got ample sleep the previous night.

And soon enough, the pup needed to go out. She timed it perfectly between thunderstorms.

I took that wake-up call as an opportunity to actually get on the trainer. My legs felt fine. But after two hours, I bagged it. I was tired. And hungry. So I ate. And made some hot cocoa and watched Up. Oh what a sad little story. For a Pixar movie, it sure was suspenseful. That mean Alpha dog...and that old man who wanted to capture Kevin...and how Mr. Fredrickson just wanted to uphold his promise to Ellie...awe.

And just before bed, I received good tidings of great joy...RECOVERY WEEK!!!!
Good thing. Just two weeks before HOS.

my head

2010-03-23T17:04:00.027-04:00

man i've got a lot of people in my life that have helped me out along the way, especially in triathlon. and a lot of them just because they think i'm cute. that's men-pigs for ya though. yeah, men. sometimes i wish i had one. then i get one and i find myself plotting how i can get rid of him. i really will be single forever. i guess i had a shot with Chris. maybe that's all you get in life. But really? that can't even be considered a chance, right? i mean, if it's meant to be it won't be *that* hard. like, miserable difficult. man, i used to be a total whack job. maybe triathlon has given me sanity. ha ha ha ha ha. i'm not even close to sane now. but i'm a lot closer than i used to be. i think this swim-bike-run shit actually helps me keep my head on straight. that and my nightly jeopardy watching. oh! Lost was on last night. ghhh...missed it for like the third week in a row. all because I can't stay up that late when i have three workouts on tuesdays. man, that track work SUCKED. I didn't feel like I was going to puke. or shit. but i felt like rigor mortis had set in my legs...like those dead animals at the bottom of the hill on that weird road in TN. I'm really glad Rod took my bike in for a tune up today. But I'm not overly excited about driving up to get it tomorrow. It'll be good to see those guys again though. They're excellent bike mechanics. One of these days I'll know how to work on my own bike. But I like that I can dis- and re- assemble it on my own. Actually, I hate when anyone else tries to do that stuff for me. There are lots of things I don't like having done for me. I think i have man abs. i have the V. but i don't have a little waist. it's been almost two weeks since i went tanning. it's about time to go home and get a ride in. but i really feel like going home and having a glass of wine and sitting on the couch. and taking Clubby for a walk. i'm so glad next week is recovery.

Joy and pain, Sunshine and rain.

2010-03-22T10:41:00.000-04:00

Saturday was the most beautiful first day of Spring. And it may have been a perfect day. In my mind.

It started with 5x1600 at the track with a couple training buddies. On not so fresh legs. But there were little boys playing soccer on the infield. And we got to watch the sun rise as we hit each interval. I felt strong. And tried to relax, especially during repeats 4 and 5. And during lap 3 of each one. I wasn't super speedy, but I was consistent, starting with the slowest at 6:32 and ending with a 6:24.

And straight from there, we piled in our cars and drove down to the park on the river to meet a group for a ride. A ride which entailed about 50 miles and 3x8mile TT efforts. Dear God. Those hurt. But the first one was worse than the third. The ride started with shoe covers and arm warmers and tights. And by the time it ended, the sun was shining bright and it was 70 degrees. I went home for a shower and food. And then I went back down to the park with a blanket and the pup and laid on the lawn. And that night I met a friend for a beer. I was determined to sleep in on Sunday.

but.... Sunday was forecasted to be cloudy/rainy and kinda cool. And then they said the rain would hold off til mid-afternoon. And I had five hours of riding to get in. So I set out at 9:15 to meet a buddy (and super strong cyclist). While I was waiting for his arrival, I ran into a couple guys at the gas station who were waiting for a ride that was coming along. They were just gonna hop on the back and go along. And then my riding partner came along. And he asked if I wanted do the same.

I looked at him and asked, in all seriousness, if I could hang with them. He told me I could hang with whomever I wanted. And "whoosh". There went the peleton.

We worked our way up to them. And we rode along nicely for a bit. I took my pull. He took his. And then the fatigue started to settle in. And I panicked. I started to think about how I had another four hours to ride. I told him I couldn't ride with those guys today. And he just told me to fall off the back whenever I wanted. So I did.

And soon the tears and snot were flying. I HATE failing. And I felt like a failure for not being able to hang with those guys for the whole ride. Or not wanting to hang with those guys. But truth was, it was supposed to be a long recovery ride for me. We pulled in a driveway and he let me gather my wits. Gosh, what a girl!

Within minutes we were back on the roads. And we rode and rode and rode. Up hills, through the country, into the wind. He let me hang on his wheel when my legs started suffering. We stopped for peanut butter crackers and more water. And on the way toward home, he took me to a point that was through the worst part of the traffic.

Six hours later, I was home. And in dire need of real food. And a nap with the pup. She missed me too.

All in all, it was an amazing weekend. The rain held off until dark. And the sun actually made an appearance. And I got some quality time in the saddle. And on the track. And with friends and training partners. I learned a little bit about myself and listening to my body.

I'm not a cyclist for real

2010-03-18T12:01:00.001-04:00

After a pre-swim shake-out run and then a 4k Masters practice and work, I joined a group leaving from the LBS that's just two blocks from my apartment. I was seriously afraid to join the "fast group", but also didn't really like the look of the crowd that was headed out for the casual ride. (Wow. That sounds so snobby. But it's true.) So, I went for it with the fast dudes.

A few telling signs that it's still very early in the season: a group of 12 males cyclists and half of them have leg hair. Pace groups broke out quickly. And i was in the lead pack. The faces of many were bright red due to increased HR and blood pressure after about 15 minutes of steady riding.

At one point, we came to an intersection and didn't know which way to go. As we waited for the group leader (and directions), we began to soft pedal toward the direction from which we came. When we spotted them coming, it was time for a U-turn. At which point I unclipped and made a granny-style U-turn. One of the guys kinda smirked/giggled at this move. That's when I stated "I'm not a cyclist for real". To which he replied "Well, you're fooling a lot of the guys tonight."

We then headed up a rather steep hill. I dropped into my small chain ring and started the grind up. My chain slipped and almost sent me head first over my handlebars.

This happened again after I took a pull and we again headed up hill. Small chain ring, chain slipped. This time, several of the guys saw it. Kinda freaked. I popped it back up to the big ring and carried on, got a pull from my buddy to the front again and hammered home.

Back at the LBS, buddy took a look at my chain to see if it was stretched or scratched. And that's when I kinda picked the bike up. And heard a slight rattle from the rear end.

And realized my back wheel wasn't locked in!!!

That could've been bad. And I felt like a total retard. But a very lucky retard. Note to self- change out the trainer spindle when taking the bike off the trainer. This will more likely ensure the wheel is locked on.

So, no, I'm not a cyclist for real. But I've been riding a lot. I rode last night with my buddy, Ackerman. We went to Ault Park, where they hold crits during the summer, to ride intervals.

I'd ridden hard the night before. And I ran an hour that morning. My legs were not fresh. And we had 15 loops to complete. Our loops started on the downhill, flattened and finished on an uphill. We used the top flat for recovery. Each loop took just over two mins.

After about ten, Ackerman told me that "In the spirit of the Holiday..." (really? St. Patrick's Day is an official holiday now?) he had a treat for me after the ride. This was supposed to encite motivation. Knowing him and his hippy ways, I knew this "treat" must entail beer.

We finished the intervals (and my legs cried for joy), did a cool down and as we were packing up our gear, he pulled out a bottle and pops the top of some Irish Ale home brew. He wrapped it in a t-shirt to conceal our wrong-doing. I was taking a swig when I heard "Hey!!"

I immediately looked to the left and saw...Aaron, our swim coach. And I yelled "ohhhh....busted!" At this point, I wasn't sure he knew to what I was referring. I got the feeling he may have thought we were making out or something. He waltzed over and introduced us to his fiance as Ackerman offered him some home brew. He declined, siting something about germaphobia. And then he audibly made the assumption we would not be attending Masters in the morning.

Let's just say I made it to practice. And Aaron took it easy on us. But you wouldn't know it because one of the guys actually split his shorts!

On being a wimp.

2010-03-15T17:07:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, we, here in Cincinnati, have been spoiled the last week with sunny skies and 60+ degree temps. Alas, all good things must end...

I left work on Friday to go meet my mom and niece for a mani/pedi and dinner when the skies opened up and dumped some rain. And hail. Lightning flashed across the sky. It was beautiful!

After a foot scrub, rub, painting and too much Mexican, I was back home and in bed for the big day of racing on Saturday.

Make that the big day of racing in the rain...or the big day of racing that wasn't mean to be.

The 5 miler was easy enough. Anyone can run in the rain. It's the rain and 45 degrees that isn't so fun. It was bearable though. This was a prediction type run, with staggered starts. It's been quite an epic week of training...and I had the intention of riding the 40k TT after, so I adjusted my sights to a 7:15 pace. And then I could barely get any food down that morning. I still felt steak fajita in my belly.

I warmed up for a few miles, changed into tri storts so I wouldn't be distracted with my running shorts riding up with the rain and all...and put on my Zoot racers and I was off!

I started out really relaxed. And hit the mile marker at 6:39. Hmm...I'm not exactly on that 7:15 pace...Oh well...mile 2, I see 13:something. Mile 3, 20:23. I slowed down a bit then to talk to a fellow runner who was attempting to explain the rules of this fun run (yeah, i'm not the greatest listener...). And then I see my buddy...who was suppose to join for the race, but apparently overslept. I shout "You're late!!!" as he's running toward me and as he asks what kind of pace we're running, to which I responded "6:40s" (I'm also not great at math when running.) He starts laughing... And then checking his Garmin to get us to that 6:40 pace. It hurt. And as he was telling me to "push it" that last mile, all I could retort was "easy for you to say". He'd only run like 1.25 miles at that pace.

And before I knew it, it was over. 34:02. 6:48 pace. Not bad. Especially after the week of training that'd been had.

We (my two teammates and I) made an executive decision to bag the TT due to the wet road conditions (it'd been raining for about 15 hours at that point). So, I went home to enjoy the trainer. An hour spinning and an hour with Coach Troy and Spinervals 2.0 Time Trial.

I think I fell asleep on the couch after some food and a shower.

I awoke and hit the grocery. And ended the evening with some Rainbow Sherbet. I'd forgotten what a delicious (sugary) treat it is!

And up early to ~~head to Dayton for a long ride with the race team~~ more rain. The worst of it being north of us. So, I got it in my head that I'd make it a long ass trainer day. Like a 5-6 hour trainer ride day. Hour one was spinning, getting the legs loose. Hour two included a min of stomps every five. Hour three, we transitioned from TV to iPod. And into aero for some longer sets. At the end of hour three, I made my way to the kitchen for a bagel slathered in pb and honey and a banana, water refills and then a potty break. I was back in the saddle in less than 10 mins. Hours four and five included some tempo work and more stomps (to keep from going totally numb...and totally bored)...and some texting and FB checking (having the internet at my fingertips is amazing!)

After five hours, my wooha just couldn't take any more. And I'd soaked through a hand towel. Not to mention my sports bra. And I was smelling pretty ripe. Ok, very ripe.

Food and one of the best showers ever and I (again) fell asleep on the couch. This time, at 7:30. Which, pre-time change was only 6:30. Lame. And I felt like I was dragging a piano in the pool this morning. But my times were on, so whatever.

I had this epiphany this morning as I was listening to the radio this morning on my way home from the gym. They said Cincinnati has been voted the "Craziest city". No wonder I can't see to escape.

big weekend

2010-03-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

Spent another night dripping sweat on the trainer last night. Got up for a run this morning. It was crazy foggy.
I noticed i had droplets of water all over my face. But it wasn't really sweat. More like condensation. It was 43 degrees. When I got home, I even had little pearls of water on my lashes. Weird.

Anyway, tomorrow is the first time trial of the season. 40k. And it will be preceeded by a lengthy run (of which 5 miles is a race). Let's hope it stays dry!

Death by Sweat

2010-03-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I was on the trainer by 5:30 am for a 2 hour ride. That included 20x (1min hard, 1 min easy) which is way way more difficult than it sounds. Particularly after track work the previous night.

Anyway, I'm on the trainer, with my typical set up - TV on low volume, iPod, phone and remote in the bento box, gatorade in the water bottle - minus my towel. And I was sweating. And sweating. And sweating. What I didn't realize was that all this sweat was dripping right down into the crevices of the electronic components of my (old school flip) phone. I the iPod always gets sweat on. In fact, the last one died due to too much sweat. Now, I have a gel skin. Helps a ton. I should've noted that.

So, hair dripping and clothes saturated, I finish my bike and crawl to the floor to stretch. And open my phone. To a completely blank screen. I open the battery compartment. Water (or sweat, actually) droplets.
Oops.
I tried to dry it out.
Then it wouldn't turn on at all.
I killed the phone, like it had been dunked in a bucket of water, with the sweat dripping from my head. And upper body. Hot. I know.

So, I finally succumbed to the smart phone phenom. I can't wait to see what this does for my productivity at work. Facecrack and email at my fingertips. Not to mention GPS, the weather, entertainment news, blogs...dear God!

In other news, the circus is in town. I only know because I saw all the hoopla while I was out for a run last night. Oh, how nice it was to run easy. And to actually laugh (heartily) at the cop who, playfully, accused me of using the stop light (and massive amounts of traffic) for a break. Clearly, he does not know me and how I used to yell at Tom "Why are you stopping? We don't WALK! You can slow down to a jog that's slower than a walk, but we DO NOT stop!!!".

Back to the circus...there were also picketers out. I really feel horribly for those animals. I can't imagine they're treated well. And having to be on the road all the time? ugh. It turns my stomach just thinking about it...

Or maybe it's the ice cream I had for dinner last night? Yeah, that whole nutrition thing has to be put into effect soon! I was all anxious about a screw up I made at work. Anxiety craves comfort food.

But it, seemingly, turned out to be great fuel for for my morning Masters practice. (ok, probably not). We did lots of stuff. Kicking. And swimming. And swimming fast. And more kicking. And swimming long on cruise. And swimming fast again. And swimming non-free. And then...we raced. And I busted out a 1:12, my fastest timed 100 to date!

To all of you who have asked about the nutrition stuff, Carmichael has some great info!! I (obviously) have yet to apply it, but it has made me think even more about how I'm fueling myself for specific workouts. And what foods are best for a given training session. I haven't really cracked Matt Fitzgerald's book yet, but from what I've heard, it's got great info too. I'll post additional thoughts when I get some time. For now, I have to go correct that mistake from yesterday...

Springin'

2010-03-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

Currently, it is SUNNY!!!
And 54!!!
It's supposed to rain later. And I have track work to do. And I don't even care. I love that smell. And I'll gladly splash in puddles so long as I can wear shorts. And sweat. Outside.

This week will go down as my biggest yet if I can manage all the sessions. And it's only the first in this 3-week build. And I'm really excited about that! I feel great coming off that recovery week. That lethargic feeling has left and my legs feel fresh and I feel rested. Even if my core feels as though it's been through the ringer.

Saturday was a nice long ride with the boys. We got lost. Not a big deal for me since I didn't have anything going on later that day, but a couple of the guys actually had time constraints. And I think our leader may have actually had to sleep on the couch that night...Here are the guys. We stopped in a parking lot to determine our location. And how to return to our destination in a timely manner.

After over five hours on the roads (and finally warming up), it was to the grocery for food. I swear, I spend more on food than I do on rent. Have I mentioned that before?

Anyway, I picked up Chris Carmichael's Food for Fitness over the weekend and after eating, I put my legs up and got engrossed in reading about nutrition and it's importance for us athletes. I guess I finally got frustrated enough with starting out the training blocks all disciplined and eating well (and therefore feeling great) only to find myself eating ice cream and chocolate and pizza by the end...and feeling, well, tired. (i realize that tired isn't exclusively due to intake, but it does play a role. and a big one, i believe). It's very interesting. I also have Matt Fitzgerald's Racing Weight on the way.

Sunday morning was full of cleaning and catching up on things typically set aside (until the next recovery week) and a long-ish run and sunshine and warmth and a gym visit and core work and lying on the couch with the pup and just really relishing the weekend.

Because Monday started with Spinervals and developed into work meetings, a work lunch, more work, and then a work dinner. With lots of race car driving games, which was actually a lot of fun. And now, we're delving more into the fun side of training for the remainder of the week!

10 Random Things

2010-03-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

Oh, since he didn't specifically tag anyone, but left the offering open, I'm gonna keep the thing going from RockStarTri's "10 Random Things About Me".

1. I LOVE gumballs. And peanut butter. Not necessarily together.
2. I can't whistle. I've always blamed it on my big lips.
3. I am so. overly. sensitive.
4. At least a couple times a week, I have very vivid, somewhat disturbing dreams.
5. I was a fat kid. My parents took me to a dietician when I was in 4th grade. I learned how to eat well at a very young age.
6. I read my horoscope almost daily. Today's? Have you been walking or exercising too much lately, Amanda? If so, you might be experiencing aching feet and leg muscles today. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes and stay off your feet as much as you can in order to allow the strains to heal. At some point you might want to relax in a hot tub or jacuzzi - preferably with a romantic partner! This is a great way to turn a disadvantage into a great time! Enjoy! I find it ironic, but not particularly significant since the only hot tub I know is at the gym where I swim. In the women's locker room. And I like men.
7. Yes. I like men. Particularly if they're bad. Or bad for me. But if he can't spell he hasn't a chance in hell.
8. If I could, I would live in jeans, a tank and flip flops. Ya know, when I'm not swim/bike/running...
9. I have 30+ pairs of heels. I also have bunions in both feet. Not a great combination.
10. It is very difficult for me fall asleep without the snoring of my pup.

And now, for tagging, since I never do, how about....Judi (Miles&Madness), Jen (Setting You Free), Aimee (I tri to be me), Missy, Morgan (Redhead Running), Carolina John, Sean in DC, Christi, and anyone else who wants to join in on the fun.

Recovery

2010-03-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

Recovery (rĭ-kŭv'ə-rē) - A return to a normal condition.

Normal (nôr'məl) - The usual or expected state, form, amount, or degree.

(The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition)

It's a recovery week. I thought I'd love this, that this week would be fun and light and full of short workouts in which I would feel fresh. I wanted to feel "normal". But I actually had to look up the meaning of the word because I'm still confused on how that's supposed to feel.

Turns out, I'm tired. And bloated. And my legs feel heavy. Is that normal? If so, I prefer to be an outsider.

In training news, we did a 500 for time at Masters practice on Tuesday. I just barely broke the 7min barrier with 6:59.6. It was after about 2k, so I'm not complaining. Much.

Spinervals last night and a run this morning that made me really want a massage.

Other than that, life is rather boring.

I did go to the tanning bed over my lunch break today. Ya know, for the Vit E. And maybe a little because I can't even bear (is that the correct usage, Zen?) to look at myself...bare. The pale pastiness has got to go. And I don't think that Vit E shot kicked in because my thought process on the way back to work went something like this.

[the song "Carnival" was playing on the radio] "hmm...I never really did like Natalie Merchant. Just something about her voice... Why the hell did she leave 10,000 Maniacs? I wonder if her voices grated their nerves too? Who came up with the name 10,000 Maniacs anyway? I wonder what 10,000 maniacs all together would be like...Why have I not yet changed the station? That lady on Jeopardy last night kinda reminded me of Natalie Merchant. She had that kind of hair...that chick was weird...with wanting to start a female accordian band. Smart people usually are weird though. Especially the ones that have such a wealth of useless knowledge. Funny. I know a lot of people like that. Oh, fuck. I have to go back to work. I wonder if my boss will be gone by the time I get back? what the hell is this car doing in front of me? and what kind of license plate is that? seems like i'm seeing a lot of them lately. oh. New Ohio plates. That makes sense. But fuck you for cutting me off. Drive faster if you're going to get in front of me! Seriously....you cut me off again?! I've got to get around this guy. Or lady with short hair. I think I need to grow my hair out. I'm having a horrible hair day. Guess that's why it's also not a gym-at-lunch day. Sheesh! Maybe i'm just going to start my period? Wouldn't that be a relief? That would explain why I feel like a fucking heffer. But no, it's probably just the whole recovery week thing. Amazing how just a week ago I was feeling fit and invincible. I need the weekend...it's supposed to be 50 and sunny....and we're supposed to ride outside. Oh, that will be nice..."