Yesterday was my first official day under the direction of a coach! And, thus far, I've survived two planned workouts.

Yesterday was a swim that included lots of drills. I was really concerned about swimming on my own because for now, I'm told "no masters". I don't particularly like that idea and I plan to whine about it until I get my way. Coach has me concentrating on my weakness - the bike, so swims are used for recovery. Anyway, it felt great to be back in the water. I couldn't help but think how incredible it is that I can go swim a couple miles without hurting. The very simple acts of swimming and breathing, knowing how to use a pull buoy, do drills, and concentrate the effort on my lats are pretty amazing. As I swam lap after lap, I became very grateful that Paul had spent so much time with me in the water, analyzing my stroke, helping with the catch phase. As Judi pointed out, I could've spent a LOT of money learning the tings he taught me for free. Even if that is the greatest thing I receive from my experience with him, I'm grateful. I suppose you never know when or why healing will occur...

This morning I awoke and went for a run in the rain. It's been raining for over 24 hours. It's just a drizzle, but it's wet. Warm-up, strides, cool down. I didn't feel particularly great, but I also didn't feel awful. I think I was half-asleep until nearly finished with the strides.

I've been having night sweats lately...the kind that soak the pillow, make my hair curl and mat to my head; the kind where beads of sweat drip down my chest when I stand to go to the restroom...even when I sleep with the windows open (and it's only 50 degrees outside).

There's a bike session on the schedule for tonight, which includes 40 mins at steady state in z4. that requires focus. It will probably take place on the trainer. I'm looking forward to the concentration it will require. I welcome the hurt. I'm finding peace with pain...in it's various forms...and I see that with it, come better days and strength and joy and laughter.

LSD all alone

Tom bailed on our long run late last night. It was too late to change plans and go to Caesar Creek and ride with the CincyExpress gang...or go to the TT. My bike is still in the box, disassembled. I already planned a ride with Brian for Sunday, so I still needed to get the run in today. The Pig is just three weeks away and all the focus on IMCA 70.3 didn't allow for such long runs.

Admittedly, I was a little pissed that he bailed last minute...but I told him I understood. He's had quite a bit of emotional turmoil involving friends and family as of late. He needed to "decompress". Don't we all?

I decided I'd still get out on the road around 9am...and after spending all morning on the toilet, I wondered if I'd get out there at all. I assumed it was the sweet potato I ate at 9:30 last night...or the ice cream at 10? I didn't realize until I stopped at the bathrooms at the levee about 80 mins in that it was simply hormonal since I'm bleeding from the crotch.

Needless to say, I was less than thrilled about the prospect of going out for 2.5 hours alone. While I've done it so many times before, I'm a tad needy right now. I want company to keep my mind from reeling with various sick thoughts.

So, I started slow....and with my iPod. Right around the first mile, I see a bumper sticker that reads "My give a damn's broken". Yep. I can relate with that. My mind wandered and every time the dark thoughts came, I just asked God to redirect my thinking. I took the long way down to Newport, went through Ft Thomas, by my old apartment, past the high school, down the long winding road where I ran so many times over the summer. I back-tracked to the flood wall where Tom and Judi and I would do speedwork in the heat of the day. I stopped at the levee to fill my water bottle and I crossed the bridge into downtown Cincy. The bars were opening their doors and fans wearing red were beginning to linger in the streets.

It was then that I finally got comfortable with being alone out there. An hour and a half in...and I realized I needed to regain that confidence to be running alone, long and slow. (Well, kinda slow. I averaged 8:13 pace for 18 miles.) That confidence that comes from just feeling, even if just for a few minutes or hours, that everything is right in the world...that no one can hurt me when I'm running, that I'm strong and powerful and beautiful in motion. That's exactly what I needed. And I as I made my way back home, I sent a little thanks up to God for having Tom bail on me.

Finally!!

Finally...

- It's Friday!!!

- I got my legs back! I went for a run this morning in the cool rain and my legs felt amazing. And I was going at a pretty good clip.

- I'm gaining some acceptance. I have set-backs every now and then (like this morning when I couldn't refrain from spewing hate via text) but I quickly realized that I'm only allowing myself to be stuck in the chaos. And the quote my buddy, Rob, sent me yesterday helped...

Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is… The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.

- I am willing to ask for and accept help...in various forms. My eyes are open to the abundance of grace and hope I've been granted.

AND...

- I'm getting a coach!!! One that's super strong on the bike. One that believes I can get to Kona. One that wants to help me...and wants me to help him. Woo Hoo.

a few not so great pics. ha

Aftermath

My legs still aren't right. My stomach isn't either. Nor are my lats...or my breathing...or my food consumption or sleep or thoughts or motivation.

I travelled back from Cali On Tuesday. I arrived home just after midnight and after spending all day on airplanes and in airports, I absolutely had to shower. It was like heaven sleeping with my little munchkin, Clubber. She cuddled so tight to me.
I
awoke a little groggy on Wednesday and headed to work...where I got chewed out for leaving confidential information on my desk before I left. I didn't even have an excuse. Except that my head was a clusterfuck the day I left the office for the last time. And I'd intended to be back on Monday. But Monday came and I called in sick. I didn't bother explaining to my boss that the guy I was dating is a total psychopath and that I was suffering from shock when I left...and that I'm still grieving the loss of something and someone that never existed. Head up. And back to work.

And after work, I went for a run. My legs are still heavy and tight. Four miles and I was done. But it felt good to sweat, even if just a little.

I was awake until almost 11pm, which is about two hours post normal bedtime. I'm still adjusting back to EST.

My alarm sounded at 5:30 and I'd never felt so grateful that it just so happens to be the week the pool is scheduled for routine maintenace and is closed where I swim Masters. Instead, I dragged my ass out to the 20 meter pool at Urban. It took a full 1000 before I even started to feel comfortable. My breathing isn't right. My stroke feels off.

This too shall pass. The legs will come around. The stroke will come back. Recovery will occur.

Tom just apologized for the uncertainty regarding the time frame for our long run this weekend. LOL. Life is pretty uncertain right now...and I'm pretty OK not knowing whether the run will be at 8am or 9:30am on Saturday morning. I'm even OK not knowing where I'll be living this summer. I'm OK just floating along, not fighting life, seeing where it might just take me.

The M-dot experience is one not to be missed. The level of competition, the athletes, the spectators, the support, the entire buzz surrounding the event are all indescribable.


As Saturday grew closer, the athletes in Oceanside grew in number. Never before have I seen so many beautiful bikes (and those riding them weren’t bad to look at either)! Race day couldn’t come soon enough.


We awoke to an air temperature of 47 degrees, ate breakfast, got the bathroom outta the way, set up our gear in transition and went back to the condo to stay warm. The first wave (of Pros) was to start at 6:40. My heat wasn’t until 7:25 and Tom’s at 7:37.


We walked over to the start just as the first male was coming out of the water (in 22 minutes!!!). I checked my gear in transition one last time and walked over to chat with my dad. I must’ve been taken in by all the excitement (and the fact that my phone was ringing at 2:30 am. REALLY?! He can't sabotage me in person, so he's gotta try telephonically?!) because my brain wasn’t functioning properly. Somehow, I got confused with my start time and by the time my dad mentioned I should be headed to the start, it was 7:22. My wave was already in the water!


I ran frantically through the crowds of white, pink, orange, red, green caps and hit the ramp as I heard the siren and saw feet and armed flail a couple hundred yards away. I missed my start!


Playing catch-up was enough to keep my mind off how frigid the water temperature was, and it wasn’t long before I was in the middle of a pack getting knocked around. That calmed me some, but I had no gage of where I was among my fellow purple caps. Unfortunately, all my work in the water over the last few months went unrecognized as my swim split was extended form the late start. I reached transition (after a quarter mile run out of the water) in 37:22. They allowed booties for the swim (thanks to Garrett at WF for the suggestion) so my feet weren’t solid ice blocks upon exiting. I stripped the wetsuit, donned a long sleeve tech shirt and got on my way.


The bike course took us inland, through much of Camp Pendelton. I took in only water until about 35 mins when I washed down a Gu and I was feeling great. I’d been warned about the deceptively flat beginning. It was relatively flat for the first 28 miles and I was right at 20 mph for that portion. It was windy, but bearable. Then came the first big hill…Or should I say mountain…around mile 29. I got to the top feeling as though I might wretch my guts. The next 15 miles were much of the same, long steep uphill where I’d pass people gasping for air, followed by a downhill where I’d get passed merely due to weight of the rider and aerodynamics.


I spotted a CE jersey around mile 37 and said a few words to Mark as I passed by. The scenery was beautiful out there. Gorgeous mountains and a big blue sky. No rain or clouds in sight. I got a little choked up at the very fact that I was even out there. Somehow, as much as I struggle on the bike, it’s the one place I find the most gratitude. Soon enough, I saw mile marker 45 and the hills were all over, just 11 more miles and it was on to the run. Those last 11 miles were consumed by fighting some Santa Ana winds and were likely the slowest 11 miles of the entire course.


Happy to be off the bike after 3:05, I saw quite a few bikes on my rack and got a better idea of where I stood amongst my AG. After peeling off the sleeves and slippin’ on the Zoots, I made a quick potty stop and headed out for the run. And that’s where the fun really began...


The aid stations and spectators were amazing! My legs felt great. I felt I might shit myself for the first few miles, but some guy came along side and said “You’re going just faster than I wanna go, so I’m just gonna hang onto your back wheel here”. So, I struck up a conversation, which took my mind off the cramping in my belly. I lost him after a couple aid stations and hit the turn around in about 52 minutes.


When I hit mile 10, and verbalized that there was only 5k left, I picked up another guy, William age 33. We stuck together till the end. The bottoms of my feet were hurtin’ and once again, chatting with a fellow athlete took my mind off the pain. I couldn’t help but think how God puts just the right people in your life at just the right time. The 13.1 miles took about 1:44, just under 8 minutes a mile.


I crossed the finish in 5:37 on a sunny beautiful day in Southern California and headed straight for a massage and a couple pieces of pepperoni pizza! It was a great experience and so much fun! I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, but there are always more races and this one was quite incredible. At least I didn't blow up on the run.


Last night, I slept in my compression gear and feel pretty darn great today. I've spent most of the day on the beach as it's BEAUTIFUL out there. All sun and warmth. Probably headed for a short run to loosen up later this evening.

T minus one

Tom and I arrived safely in Oceanside. Right now, I'm sitting in my room listening to the waves crash. Went to athlete check-in today by the Oceanside Pier. Everything is going smoothly thus far. Bike is here and in good working order. Though the water is pretty frigid at 59 degrees and air temp cooler in morning and evening, the full wetsuit and cool water cap make it tolerable. i'm getting rest, eating well, seeing some things, checking out the course. i really couldn't ask for things much better, physically.

Emotionally and mentally I struggle some. A short while ago, I made a choice that caused Tom some pain. Little did I know I'd be here suffering the same pain, and he'd be the one to help me sort through it all.

See, I've always held the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. I usually don't know why until much later, but inevitably, every tiny detail plays a part.

For example, a few weeks ago, my dad made the suden decision to make the trip out here to Cali. I didn't know then that Paul wouldn't be making the trip and I'd be seeking some comfort from those I love, and who better than dad to give me a hug on the starting line? After all, he's the one that started me on this insane journey of triathlon.

I found that the real pain I'm feeling is loss and disappointment because I had an expected outcome. I thought things were going to occur a certain way...and they aren't turning out that way at all. And I have fear because I thought I knew in what direction I was headed...and now I'm being redirected.

It's scary to not know what lies ahead. And at the same time, there's so much adventure in the not knowing. And there's comfort to be found in accepting things have all happened exactly as they should.

So, i'm gaining some acceptance of the current circumstance and i'm attempting to focus on now. and now, it's time to focus on Ironman 70.3 California!