Monday, June 28, 2010

Yep, yep, yep!

So, for the first time in my life, I am jobless and homeless. And somehow, I'm more at peace right now than I have been in quite some time. I know not what lies before me. I have a rough plan, but it's sooo vague. something like this: stay here at mom's in IL and bust my ass training for the next week. Take advantage of naps. And the time and ability to prepare meals. And mow granny's lawn. And sit and watch TV with her.

I have a long couple weeks of chaos and a few great days of training behind me now. Saturday was a long, sweaty, humid 16 miles in the hills of eden park, hyde park, and a surprise visit on the flats from my TTT partner, Scott. And Sunday was 105 miles on the bike, 50 by myself as I went back to get the truck of a buddy who was severely dehydrated. The ride was mostly flat, but I didn't once feel like I wanted to get off and throw the thing into the bushes. I just focused on cadence. And pedal stroke. and relaxing my upper body, not curing my toes, looking straight ahead, all those things I've been taught by the amazing people brought into my life for whatever reason.

Friday was my last day at work. I got cards and hugs and went home to frantically pack so I could leave for Galveston, TX the next morning. And it was then that I started to worry. It was then that I wanted some reprieve from the chaos, from the go go go that had become my life over the last couple weeks. And on my Saturday morning run, I decided TX was not the place for me at the moment. I needed some solitude, some time to hush my mind, some time to sleep peacefully, some time to just get away. And figure things out.

I went to the Hyde Park Blast Saturday night. And saw so many friends. I got so many hugs. I had so much support; so many kind words. And it meant the world to me. I was, once again, reminded of all the amazing people in the world, in my life. I'm quite the fortunate girl.

I was actually kinda grateful for those miles alone on Sunday, rushing back to the truck to rescue Todd, those miles spent in the rain, the heat, the smog. It gave me time to reflect. I was granted time to focus. And I realized I've been given the greatest opportunity the universe allows...the ability to go wherever life takes me. I simply have no ties. I have amazing friends and the best dad ever in Cincy, but I have friends all over the country. I have no less than 50 offers for places to stay. So, to the-middle-of-nowhere-IL I went. To stay in an empty house next door to my 91 year old granny. And that's where I am. With lots of country roads to ride, a few hills to run, a pool with a lap lane, and relatives on the lake.

And yet, deep down, that one persuasive voice keeps lulling me. But I cut it off today. There have been so many empty promises. So many "i'm gonna do this"'s. And I haven't been through all this shit to not realize a thing or two. No matter how much I might want someone to do something and follow through, no matter how much I love someone, I love and respect me more. And I know I deserve to live a dream. Because that's how I want to live. And we all have a choice. That's my choice. This is my dream. And I'm living it.


TRI-james said...

You go girl - live your dream. If you follow your heart you will have no regrets!

Judi said...

ok, so is red shoes reading this do you think? :)

great hanging at HYP blast with you. wish you had hung up in the alley with us. many hotties from campus hanging out, tattooed drunks that like racing bikes. hellyea honey. go train. come back, meet some more cool racers, and then race. you got a lot of heart. one day, some man is gonna be worthy of that heart.

Sean in DC said...

Don't believe any of that "everything happens for a reason" bullshit. You make your own luck and things happen because you put yourself in a position for them to happen. Enjoy the crazy and unexpected ride that your life is sure to take these next few weeks and months.

I'm not in DC anymore (upstate NY), but I'd love to make that place #51 on your list of possible future destinations. Close enough to dad and in the most amazing run/bike/swim city I've ever been in in my life. A great place where you can just find/be yourself.

But whatever, do what you gotta do. I'm lookin' forward to checking in on the blog from time to time.

Tawnee said...

I think this new life adventure is quickly going to make your blog the most popular triathlete blog out there... Can't wait to hear what's next for you! Wishing you the best of luck.

zencycle said...

Blogger Judi said...
"you got a lot of heart. one day, some man is gonna be worthy of that heart."

second that.

Congratulations, you are now officially a Rock Star.

D10 said...

The last paragraph says it all. Peace within oneself is truly needed in order to move forward. Go out there and make something happen.

Kim said...

we control our own destiny. this is your chance to live the life you have always wanted to lead - or even the life that you thought never existed. this is your time,, the world is at your fingertips. go get em girl.

Christi said...

You go girl! You live the life you want and the life that makes you happy! You have been given a present and I believe you are going to make the best of it!

Keep on smilin'

Ray said...

You've got a GREAT outlook and attitude. It's those two traits that will make this next chapter an excellent adventure! Depending on where your at (in Illinois?), look up the Joliet 4th of July 100k for a good morning training ride. All the cool kids around here do it ;) Best of luck ROCKSTAR!

Big Daddy Diesel said...

You are right, you get to live like most of us just dream about, I wish you luck in your next adventure.