So many things!

I have no better post title because there are just SO MANY THINGS that have taken place since I last posted.

Training wise,

•  I took two weeks after LBL 50 to kinda recover and just give my mind and body a repreive from so much running. I enjoyed happy hours and a few late nights and some nachos (like, a whole plate of them to myself). Over all, it was refreshing and just really re-ignited the fire in me to train again.
• I went into a 64 mile week after that...in which I was in Orlando for part of the week (more on that in the "life" section later) and then last week did 72 and another 72 this week...but that was on only 6 days of running.
• Yesterday I ran 25 miles, most on th Flying Pig marathon course (which is in just three weeks) in 3:13.40 and I nearly crippled my buddy, but not before he actually saved someone's life. No joke.
• I ran a couple miles before I met him because he wanted to do 22 miles. I wanted to go across the Taylor Southgate bridge into OH, but he insisted on the Purple People Bridge. So, across we went. I was so excited to catch up and run with him that I was chatting and suddenly, he wasn't there beside me. I stopped, and he was running at a woman...straddling the railing of the bridge, crying hysterically, and on the phone, saying she just wanted to go. He held her hands, made sure she wouldn't really make the jump. She declined his requests to get down at first, but then, something he said clicked. I can't tell you what it was. I don't know. I was frozen. Another runner on the bridge was on his phone calling the police. She sat on a bench and he knealed, holding her hands in his and told her that this world needs her, until the police came. We found out she has a husband and two kids, but life just gets heavy sometimes. And when help arrived, he told her to never forget his name and she said thanks and we went on to run another 21+ miles.
• Just a few days before that, i was out for a run in a neighborhood that's not the best. I passed a little girl and two little boys playing in a parking lot. The girl calls to me "is joggin' fun??" and i said "I like it!". All I could think about for the remainder of my run was how many different things i could have said to her. And whether running really is fun. (Because I wasn't exactly "jogging"...i was doing about 7:20 pace at the time I passed them). If it's not fun, why would I keep doing it? I just love it. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes not. Hmm.

And in life, well,

• I moved into a house. With a fenced in yard for my pups and two big bedrooms and more space than I have furniture for. It's pretty cool. Because I just needed a reprieve from the old memories that haunted my old place.
• And shortly thereafter, I went to Orlando for work. Correction: I went to DISNEY for a lender conference for one of our customers. In case you didn't know, that place is fucking magical!! We got dinner and a private tour in Animal Kingdom. And time by the pool in 80 degrees :)
• I got a new tattoo. And I didn't pass out (thank you, Rob) and afterward went to a Bell's Hopslam cask tapping. How much excitement can you fit in one night?!?

• My little tiny Clubber got an infected hair follicle on her eye lid and I took her to the vet, only to discover she had a hernia. Which meant repair. ASAP. surgical repair. Ugh. Totally broke my heart, but she seems to be recovering quickly. She was such a trooper through all the vet visits.
• And, in general, things are just good!

Wow. What happened??

I have not posted in, well, a veeeerry long time (by blogging standards). And it's not for lack of things to talk about. SO much has happened. In fact, the amount of activity in my life is the very reason I've been away so long. In the last few weeks, I have beat my boyfriend at beer mile and set a new Cincy record of 9:08. I promise next time it will be faster.

And I've moved into my own place. I have all my stuff again. I slept in my bed for the first time in ten months last weekend. All my stuff is OUT of storage. the morning we moved it all, I almost cried. It's been a hell of a year and, once again, I made it out alive.

I've made some new friends with Bishops new Ladies Cycling team. And I rode my first road race as apart of the team. And then during the second race (which was very hilly and suited to me, my rear derailleur cable snapped. when i was in big 12. awesome).

I've also gotten in some epic training. I have a new secret weapon. And he's helping me run fast. Mile repeats of 6:08. 6:03, 5:55 (after a good number of hundreds). And he encouraged me, standing on the sidelines cheering at 5:30am as I have a meltdown cause the following week I can only manage to run 6:16s. He gets up with me at 4:30 to run a couple hours before work. And he joins me for my brick runs.

I've been on the trainer quite a bit and waiting for the weather to break! But at least I have some bad ass (literally) bibs for our new tri team cycling kit.

And swims have been fabulously. Our coach is getting married this weekend and we gave him a pretty good send off with t-shirts with his face on the back and a funny quip on the front. And this is what we all look like at 5:30 am. Awesome hair.

I got in my first century with new friends yesterday. And got rained on. And i'm not sure it got above 45 degrees yesterday. More awesome hair.

And now I have to jet off again for a group ride and some QT with Judi!

Rest. It does a body good.

Ahhh.... A rest week!
That means just something like 12 hours.

So, I'm going to address something...and it's something a lot of people ask about. And it's something Melissa asked about on my last post. How, exactly, does one fit in a massive training load of, say, 21 hours?

Well, basically, it IS difficult. And it does require some sacrifice. But at the same time, it's what I LOVE to do. I was so tired last Monday (going into week three of a 3 week build) that I came home, plowed some blue corn chips and mango salsa and assed out at 7:30. Only to get up at 4am for swim practice. And then, Wednesday, I was up at 4 for a two hour speed workout. And then a ride into work (in 32 degrees) and a ride after work, to get up at 4:30am and go back to swim practice.

basically, these kinda weeks are train, work, train, sleep, train, work, train, sleep, and lots of eating in between. And these are also the weeks that i feel ZERO guilt about getting back on the coffee. Or having crazy cravings for frosted donettes, ya know, the c-store variety.

But here's the deal...I socialize while i train. And i hang out with people that understand that. Because they do it to. I just also tend to hang with the people that also train. Those people have become my best friends. And biggest supporters.

So, I suffer a week (or three) for weeks like this, when i may have more time to blog...

And I get time to relax. And maybe even feel guilty. But, really, I've learned that it's all about balance. And I have some pretty great people in my life to help me out, like boys that have hot tubs and like to sleep with Clubby.

I am not prepared

This blog has always contained a little bit of life and a little bit of training, a lot vulnerability and possibly too much detail.

And this post is none different.

This last week was INCREDIBLE! We, in the Midwest, got a tease of Spring. On Sunday, I got out for close to 70 miles on the bike. It was a ride full of hills and speed and wind. And me sucking the wheel of very strong male rider. Afterward, I was toast! In a really good way. The remainder of the week contained track work and crazy swim sessions and a couple trainer rides. And then came Friday...

I awoke at 2:30am to pee. After tossing and turning for an hour and a half, I just decided to get up and do my long run instead of trying to cram it in before going to the shop on Saturday. Two hours of night running in shorts and a sports bra, watching the city wake up and seeing another freak or two out running in the dark as well. It was the perfect start to a Friday prior to a nice long three day weekend. I rode my bike into work and at 5pm, I was on my way out the door for an hour and a half of daylight riding!

Saturday was at the shop. Everyone gets excited about riding again when it gets nice out, so there wasn't much down time. Clubber and Sid (my dog and Tom;s, the manager, dog) got to hang out all day, greeting customers.
And then I went to pick up the paperwork for the team I'm joining. Yes, I'm racing bikes for a team this year. There are nine of us girls and I'm really excited about the opportunity!

I woke yesterday to ice rain. Ugh. The cold came back. Trainer ride, weights, swim. And then hit the sack early...

when I was awoken by Clubber kicking my head. She likes to overtake my pillows at night. At first, I just thought she was having a dream (sometimes, she runs in her dreams), but when I moved her and realized she was awake, I knew that wasn't the case at all. The actual events that occurred next are blurry. I know I turned on the light. I must've set her down on the middle of the bed because I later realized she urinated right in the middle of it. She was convulsing, legs rigid, kicking, squirning. Immediately, I picked her up and tried to calm her. I took her downstairs, unsure yet what was happening. Her breathing was shallow and rapid. I felt like she was fighting me, so I set her on the floor. She felt over legs sprawled out, tensed up. It was the most horrific scene... I was screaming and crying and holding her as tightly as i could. What seemed like forever, but was likely no more than five minutes, the spasms continued. And I realized what I was witnessing was a seizure.

When it ended, I took her back to bed and did some research on the 'nets on my phone as she snored next to me. It appears to be one of two things: PDE (Pug dog encephalitis) or epilepsy. If it's the first, she doesn't have much time.

I was supposed to have a massage today. And I was so excited about it. But I can't bear to leave her sight. She's been sleeping on my lap all morning.

This is the one little thing that has been a constant in my last eight years. So much has happened in that time. I've been married and divorced, quit a job, got a new job, moved all over the place, bought and sold houses, had roommates, lived alone, trained for IM, run marathons, stumbles, got back up, laughed, cried, hurt, and loved. And she's been there through it all, to help comfort me, sometimes, just to be the reason I get out of bed.

To have a dog is a selfish thing. I realize that. And I've lost a lot of things in this life. And I'm just not prepared to lose this one. And I guess I never thought that day would come.And I'm not saying it has now, but the very thought that it may has me scared.

Change

 I talk a lot about it on here. Probably because it's the only thing that is constant. Change is inevitable. And it keeps happening, whether we like it or not.

Things change for the better. And for the worse.

Over the last three weeks, I've changed my diet. And as skeptical as others were (and admittedly, as I was), it actually had a vast impact on me. On a cleanse, it is virtually impossible to snack. I snack a lot. Or I used to. It would be a chocolate passing a coworkers desk. Or a bag of (seemingly healthy) sunchips. Now, no more! Now, snacking is a piece of fruit. Or some veggies. But mostly, it just doesn't occur.

I'm finally to the point when I don't even miss coffee. There are no lulls in the mid-morning when I feel I need a jolt of caffeine. When I have lunch, I don't need a diet soda. I crave water. And the cravings...you know those that make you think you want a piece of chocolate after lunch? Gone!

The best part is, I got in about 18 hours of training last week. And I didn't feel overly tired or overly sore. And my legs didn't swell. I haven't had preservatives in three weeks. I feel like a new person. My runs have gotten easier. I've lost a few pounds. And I sleep through the night (except for one night when I dreamt I was pregnant...don't ask).

Another change...I have zero discontent in my life right now. I mean, yes, I wish the weather were nice. And I wish the sun was shining every day. And I wish I could go out and run in shorts and ride outside...but, life, in general, is pretty damn awesome.

I absolutely love my job. It's great to be surrounded by people who appreciate what you do and the tie you put in.

I'm also working one day a week at the bike shop. And as slow as it's been through the winter, I love that place (even though it almost burned to the ground on Saturday) and the people I work with.

I have a great team. An amazing family. And incredible friends.

I could have said this all six months ago, but there would've been a hesitancy about it all. Today, it's genuine. Training is going fabulously. And I love my modest life. Even if Saturday evening only consists of grocery shopping and going to bed early.

Everything really does happen for a reason. And sometimes, we just have to get through some shit to see that reality.

Life is perfect

I mean, it's perfect right now.
I haven't had much time to blog. Or even read blogs (work blocks them. gasp!)
But I've been making time for myself. And for training. And for sleep.

And right now...right now it's a little after 8pm on New Year's Eve. And I'm all alone in my new place. There are tunes playing and Clubber is on the floor gnawing on a bone. It's still 60 degrees outside (we got some freak heat wave). All the snow has melted. We can see grass for the first time since November. I got out this morning for a quick run...in shorts! I walked to work. I had teddy grahams and milk for breakfast. I walked to my car after work in a t-shirt. And then I went for a two hour ride with Judi...again, in shorts. And it was then that we witnessed a traffic jam going to a liquor warehouse. And a small black dog on the back of a motorcycle, complete with tank and riding goggles. No joke. I wove through traffic to pet the attention whore pup and chat it up with the driver.

I got a call from a friend after the ride who told me I sounded "euphoric". And i was. That was the most fun I'd had on a bike since September. The wind was howling and I worked, but it wasn't biting cold. And I was riding outside with a friend.

It's the last day of, yet another, tumultuous year...and I have more hope coursing through my veins than I've had in a very, very long time. And I can't say I know to what that's attributable. I've had some very special people help me through this year. And some of those people helped me even when I thought they were hurting me (and yes, Chris A is one of those special people). I had a great early season of races. I travelled with friends. I fell in love. I learned to ride with the race pace group. I left a job with which I was dissatisfied and complacent. I took a very big risk. I followed my heart. I had my heart broken and I cried with more emotion than I knew I had in me. And then I took a stand. I went go-cart racing. I abused my body, in both good and bad ways. I turned 30. I burried my head under the covers. I took home some money from races. I won my first tri. I worked at the bike shop and wore jeans and tanks and flip flops to work everyday!! I discovered that I'd be ok from flirting with some travelling Cervelo demo dude. I leaned on mom, on friends. I moved into my dad's basement. And i learned how it feels to be poor. I made new great friends. I developed a relationship with my step-mom that I didn't know could exist. I earned an even greater appreciation for my body and of what it's capable because the mind will push it through. I re-found myself through lots of talk, lots of alone time, lots of tears, lots of anger and lots of laughs. I attended my first gay wedding. I went on a beer tour. I qualified for ITU Long Course Worlds. I reconnected with old friends (thanks, FB). I learned how very important it is to be open to synchronicity. And I realized how much lighter life feels without a huge load of anger. I found that I have friends and family that believe in me more than I even believe in me. A job fell into my life. And I asked a question and got a place to live. I once again have this feeling that right where I am....is right where I'm supposed to be. And for that very fact, I'm grateful for all that occurred this year.

I can't think of a more perfect place to be to ring in a new year of adventure, seeking, learning, loving, desiring, hoping, discovering, finding....

Cheers to a fabulous 2011!

Challenges

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes it meaningful."

It's been a strange few days. It's been a very, very good few days. I've been sick and I've just been allowing life to happen to me and I'm amazed by what I have come to learn in that period.

You see, I went into that trail marathon without having done one, so I didn't know what to expect. I figured it would be slow. I knew I would fall down. But I didn't know if I'd actually get through the race without tears and fear and frustration. But I smiled damn near every mile of that race.

And for the first time in a very long time, I feel powerful.

Seriously.

I know it may sound silly, but I feel like I overcame an obstacle that I didn't know I could climb over. But I did.

And today, I got a call from that place where I interviewed for four hours...and they gave me an offer. And I start on the 20th! Again, another obstacle I was afraid I wouldn't overcome. I was so fearful that my stint of unemployment would keep me from getting a real life job again.

And.....

I signed up for IM Louisville today. That's something I'll still have to overcome, but I finally feel free to be me, with no apologies, again.

Whew!

Also this week:
I had brunch with mom and talked about everything from fashion to relationships to business.
I stopped by an old friends house and caught up.
I skipped swim practice to rest for a race.
I travelled with a friend I hadn't seen in months. And we laughed.
I chatted on the phone with someone who knows me better than anyone.

And I appreciate these people more now than I ever did when they were in my life every day. Thank you and I love you all.

mememememememe!!!

There are some things about me that most people don't know...and that you lucky readers now have the pleasure of learning.

 - When I am sick, I sometimes feel high. And I swear my IQ drops more than a few digits. Seriously. And it's not because I take drugs. I don't. I'm far too sensitive. One dose of antihistimine and I won't shit for three days. On occasion, I'll throw back a Tylenol or Aleve, but it's rare. Back to being stupid...I have very little concentration. I can't speak correctly, and this post will likely be full of grammatical errors.

 - I do not like to participate in others' drama. I don't really appreciate that someone posted anonymously on Judi's blog and brought me up in it. Seriously, wtf? (and i'm still trying to figure out who I know well enough that doesn't know how to spell "you're"). Also associated with this same point of other peoples drama, I've been disconnected with my bff. And I'm super sad. I feel like I've lost a limb.

 - I look for a meaning in almost everything. I mean, I heard "Joey" by Concrete Blonde the last two evenings on the radio, and I'm wondering if there's a Joey that I need to not be angry with anymore? And I usually don't taper well, but being sick is forcing me to taper for Saturday...so maybe it's not such a bad thing?



 - I am not very tidy. I vacuumed this evening and found four bobbypins and a lottery ticket from at least two months ago. But I do try to hang my clothes on a fairly regular basis. Though anyone who really knows me would probably refute this last statement.

 - Man, I love me some cereal. And I eat it dry. By the handful. A box purchsed will be consumed wholly within the week.

 - I really love my dog. Really. And some dude came into the shop the other day, saw Clubber, asked if she was mine, and when I said yes, he picked her up and said "of course she is! She's obviously a girl's dog" and then continued "no man would tolerate a dog like this". Umm....really? Everything that came out of his mouth after went in one ear and right out the other...until he asked me if a wetsuit was a "cold weather biking suit". Thanks to those of you on FB who recommended amazing comebacks to that. I wish I had thought quicker. But see my first point.

 - I have a very skewed perception of "fun". I mean, it's gonna be in the high 20s, low 30s for this trail marathon on Saturday, and I am looking forward to it like a kid waiting for Santa. And now that I'm rested, I'm soooo looking forward to full fledged training. And getting back into the weight room.

 - I have an uncanny ability of letting people justcloseenough to me before I get completely and totally terrified and back away. Like. you. wouldn't. believe. AND I justify it. SO, any of you out there to whom I've done this, you're reading it now: it's not you. It's me. But, strangely, those who get past this hiccup tend to be monumental forces in my life. And then end up leaving my ass. (hence my instinct to flee first) ho hum.

 - I've got a dream. And I think I'm gonna go after it. Now. Ya know, that I'm 30 and I've got nothing else.

randomosity

I've not been blogging much as of late simply because, well, I find I'm drawing a blank. I mean, I'm doing lots, I just can't seem to find much worthy of writing. Perhaps I'm just too brain-dead after all the activity to be clever. But here's a smattering of thoughts and actions.

 - My ass hurts. Literally. I guess you know you haven't been riding enough when you go out for a couple hours and your bum hurts the next day.

 - But that's mostly because I've been running much more. Sometimes, it's twice a day. Sometimes, it's long. Sometimes, it's short. Sometimes, it's fast. Sometimes it's focused. And other times, my mind just wanders. And on that note, I was thinking about how Rockstar Tri said he "didn't get it" when I posted about my random thoughts while running. My answer....no, not everyone's thoughts wander while they're pounding the pavement or hitting the trails. Some folks have an inability to focus on anything otehr than how it feels, how uncomfortable they feel and when teh hell it might be over. I mean, we all get like that at times, but the people I know that think I'm a whack job for running all have this in common - they seem to be incapable of letting go the mind.

 - I love to brush my teeth. Sometimes, there is not a more satisfying feeling than a clean mouth.

 - I have a trail marathon in less than three weeks. And I'm being talked into a 50k in January. And I'm slightly hesitant.

 - I've been having some strange dreams. Last night, I had my long hair back. I mean, it was as though it were short and then suddenly it was long, but still short underneath. And i absolutely loved it. I think it's time to start growing it out again.

 - I had an interview this morning. And I have another on Thursday. If I get the one Thursday, I'm going on a vacation prior to starting.

 - I saw a comic the other night at a club. Hilarious. Much better than a movie. Just in case you're wanting good date ideas.

 - I also found out I really suck at bowling. Particularly after beer #4 or so. And the clientele at the bowling alley hasn't changed much in the last 20 years. I mean, the faces are different. But the styles are the same as they were back then.

 - But I am very skilled at Jenga.

 - I love this quote on soulmates. and even if it isn't real, I'm apt to believe it.:

"A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..." — Elizabeth Gilbert

 - It gets dark way too early these days. It's time for more Spinervals. But it's so bright outside when swim practice is over.

if it weren't for running, i might never sleep

I've heard people talk about how they just can't get to sleep because they have so much going on in their heads. I guess it's that they're sooo busy during the day that they don't have time to worry or think upon certain things and all that anxiety culminates in difficulty in falling asleep.

I don't really have that problem. I can fall asleep within about 10 mins of my head hitting the pillow. And I sleep through just about anything. Unless it's hot. Sleep and sweat don't mix well for me. And it seems I've pretty much always had the gift of sleeping soundly. Then again, I've been running for almost as long as I can remember too.

Which brings me to my point... All those things that would typically keep me up at night? Those are the things that I think about when I'm out running.

For example, this morning's run went something like this...in my head...

"I'm so glad I got my CPR certification yesterday. Now I just need to scan it and send it over to that recruiter. I guess I'll do that at Rob's. Hope he doesn't mind. I wonder if we're still hanging out? Wonder what we'll have for lunch? I have some asparagus....and what goes well with asparagus? mmm...last time he made those bacon wrapped filets. Cause we probably shouldn't go out. I'm poor. Yeah. I need a job. A real job. Maybe I'll just take another corporate banking job? Then again, I don't really want to take a job just to take a job. Besides, the balls to quit that job is pretty much the only thing I gained out of that Chris travesty. It'd be a shame to just throw that away. I could always ask Rod for a job. Damn, I was supposed to stop by and see him downtown last week. Oops. [i suddenly realize the Dead Weather "Die by the Drop" is playing on my iPod]Oh! I love this song. Maybe it's because it's dark? Is it really true that the music I tend to really like is "a little dark" like he said? Ok, I guess "let's dig a little grave" isn't exactly warm and fuzzy. Sushi was good the other night. I think I like him. Wonder when I'll see him again? I have to make sure I get to swim practice on time. And I need to stop and get gas because I'm on E. I can still get in a few more miles... I really miss running down here in Newport. The bridges. And the river. And being so close to everything. I wonder if my old landlord has any other places for rent? Or that chiropractor that had that cool old building across the street? oohh...maybe I could just go back to my old life? I sure am glad I thought to pack a pb&j. That's gonna taste yummy. Especially with some hot coffee. I am more than likely going to need a nap today. I need to get a ride or two in soon. I could just start spinervals again. Should I take a left or a right here? I hope there aren't any creepers around. I mean, it's almost 5am, so they're probably sleeping, right? I have to stop by my storage unit and get some more clothes! And a coat or three. And my vacuum. DON'T forget the vacuum. And don't forget to call that guy. And email that other guy. Oh, that email I got yesterday was weird. I think I won't respond. There sure are a lot of cops out patrolling... I think most of these cops are nice down here. They must think I'm a total weirdo. "

And on and on....

busy, busy

Since I arrived home from Tour de Beer, my schedule has been quite hectic. I registered for the Tecumseh Trail Marathon on December 4 in Bloomington, IN. AND i went back to masters swim practice. And I got in two rides with boys. And I'm getting everything together for my dream job. Ahhh...
I took three whole weeks out of the water. And this left me very well rested. and very scared about going back. would i even remember how to swim? would i have any endurance? will i even fit into my suit? would i make it through practice?

Well, fortunately, swimming is a bit like riding a bike. once you know how to do it, it comes back quickly. and while my muscular endurance isn't quite what it was, meaning i tire more easily when doing pull sets, i haven't really lost my cardio endurance, so i can make it through practice without problem. and my shoulders are only slightly achy today. but that probably has more to do with the two hour trail run and 90 min bike i did yesterday AFTER practice.

I hit the trails Monday before work. and i got lost, which is great. just not when i have to get to work and this creates a conflict with getting there in timely fashion.

I spent almost three hours riding on Tuesday at a nice, easy pace with an aforementioned pro, who really is just like any other buddy of mine. he just happens to get paid to ride bikes. and then we went and had thanksgiving (ie - loooootts of food) for lunch. and i ran some errands for a friend, which led to the ride yesterday.

I was "owed one" so after masters and a two hour trail run, where i didn't fall once (ok, maybe it's because i'm so fat and slow right now. ugh) i joined a friend for an easy ride and then was treated to dinner. and quite possibly, the most tasty brownie i've ever had.

outside of training, I'm gunning for this job I wanted about two years ago that i brushed aside because i met a boy. stupid girl. anyway, it's a field instructor position for adult wilderness therapy out in Utah. So, i've got my letters of recommendation all lined up and i'm hopeful. oh, i want this bad.

And i went to see Jackass in 3D, where i gagged more than i ever have in a training session. those dudes are SICK. the sweat cocktail gives me nightmares. and the slingshot port-a-pottie is quite possibly the most vulgar thing i can imagine. i mean, really, he had to have had shit caked in his ears and other crevices for days. at what point does the stench go away? ughh.

and today i slept in. ya know, until 7am. and i've been catching up on email and blogs. and prepping for another long trail run. i want to make it through this trail marathon in one piece. and we already got our "off season" training plan for next week. Oh, and two of my teammates just got their pro cards. woo hoo!

The greatest road trip on record - updated w/more pics

Thursday, October 14, 2010

5:00am - awake, run, shower, pack the last of my toiletries

8:15am - arrive at Rob's, pack up the Pilot and hit the road

12:15pm - pull into a cold and rainy Cleveland for a tasty lunch and flight of beers at Great Lakes Brewery.

1:40pm - Back on the road toward Buffalo.

3:30pm - drop in at some random winery and pick up some souvenirs and enjoy a tasting.

5:30pm - roll in to Buffalo, check into the hotel, chat up the concierge, eat a chocolate chip cookie, clean up.

6:00pm - walk (in heels, for the first time in a long time) over to the Anchor, home of the original buffalo wing for a beer and some pics.

6:30pm - get a voucher for free breakfast from the concierge because we seem like "really nice people"

6:35pm - grab the shuttle and hit up Pearl Street Brewery for more beer and quite possibly the hottest stuffed pepper I've ever tasted, chat up the bartender and walk out having been billed for only half what we consumed.

8:30pm - walk around town looking for another fun bar. unsuccessful. call for the shuttle and go to Cole's, where more beer and more food was had.
11:30pm - shuttle back to hotel to get some sleep for the big day...

Friday, October 15, 2010
9:30am - hit the road for Toronto after free breakfast and a stop to get some nail polish because I lost a toenail on Thursday morning.

11:30am - check into the hotel, take a quick look around the block before meeting up with some peeps for lunch, which included...yep, more beer.
12 noon - lunch at 3 brasseurs and a flight of brew.
1:30pm - double IPA at Duggan's.

2:40pm - back to the hotel to clean up for the wedding...and enjoy the 7th type of beer for the day.
3:30pm - grab a cab over to the wedding, sporting heels for the second time in two days, meet the groom, er, one of them, and lots of my buddy's family.
4:15pm - the wedding ceremony. and the grooms kiss. and applause fills the room. (pics to follow)
6:30pm - i switch to wine because the beer is making me too full.
8:00pm - swipe a cupcake off the table with an accomplice because the cupcake tower just looked waaayyy too sparce for the number of guests and we did NOT want to miss out on wedding cake.
8:10pm - get served a cupcake from the stock that was prepped in back.
9:00pm - get a t-shirt from the emcee that reads "Paul put the Dong in Ding Dong"
9:30pm - dance. and watch my buddy do some crazy monster dance because he confused the coreography of two different Lady GaGa songs. Amazing fun.
12:15am - cab it back to the hotel, decide it's a good idea to go get another beer across teh street
12:30am - realize it's probably not the best "idea" we've ever  had. but cannot waste beer. drink and bed.

Saturday, October 16, 2010
9:00am - drag my lazy ass out of bed, down some Aleve, walk around outside
10:00am - breakfast, which contained quite possibly the most bacon I've ever consumed in one sitting, and a vat of coffee.
11:30am - hit the road for Kalamazoo.
5:00pm - roll up to the Knights Inn. "I am not staying there!" Book a different room down the street.
6:00pm - cab it to bell's Brewery to have a drink with an old coworker. and, of course, drink more beer.

8:00pm - while returning the trays to the bar, bump into some mustache sporting biker dude and become quick friends. we're treated to another beer and invited to HIS bar across the street.
8:30pm - skip across the street to get cremated at ping pong and make quick friends with a group of college kids.
10:00pm - walk up to Shakespeare bar, which is BUMPIN' and has about a million beers on tap.
12midnight - grab some popcorn and head out the door to try and hail a cab.
12:30am - get back to the hotel and feel a little grateful that the beer tour is over.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

9:00am - depart Kalamazoo after multiple potty trips. and breakfast.

12noon - stop in Lima, OH with the intent of getting Arby's and suddenly decide Hunan Garden sounds much more adventurous. Yum. sushi.

12:45pm - win $1 on a scratch off lottery ticket.

1:30pm - sushi does not feel good in belly. but Rob's general tsoa's chicken smells worse.

3:45pm - arrive home to my Clubby before heading out for a run. I'm pretty sure it's possible to gain five pounds in just four days. unfortunately. but it was worth it. so so worth it.

Can you hear me?

My morning run was absolutely fabulous. It was about 54 degrees. And breezy. I went out and at about the 2 mile mark, I was a couple minutes ahead of typical time to get there. And by the 3.5 mile mark, it was four and half minutes. And I just felt light. And good. And I'm going into taper week...for the qualifier for ITU 2011 Long-Course World Champs.

But yesterday....Yesterday was a different story. I woke up feeling crappy. And ill.

I get a little too cerebral at times. And I listen to a lot of music. And I like to read. And I enjoy bouncing ideas off others. I find it healing to discuss issues with those I find to have some experience. Or insight. Or knowledge.

So, as I was telling a friend of mine about my busted up self-esteem (and he was attempting to build it back up) I leaked out that I am not one who wishes to re-build myself with the compliments of others. I know (because I learned the hard way) that I can't cling to another's sense of my worth to gain self-worth. And I was sent this quote.
"Self esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn't earned; it isn't conditional; can't be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater or lesser than that of any other human being. It can't be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you're alive" - Terrence Real

And while I could come up with a million little arguements to negate this claim, it led me to think...as much as I don't want someone else to help rebuild my self-esteem, I am more than willing to allow someone else to tear me down. Where's the logic in that? I have allowed nearly every ounce of the good things I feel about ME to go down the toilet because.... why? Because someone I loved felt like I was worth walking away from. And that I wasn't worthy of following through on. And that all the little promises were just words. And everything that was meant to be was just a lie. And I guess I let that sink in too deep.

But one person has never made me into someone. And one person can't keep me from being someone. So maybe I'm just vascillating?

I find myself swinging from angry to numb. And when I'm angry, I want someone to blame. And who's the easy target? Him. But it's not reality. I have allowed it. I am to blame. And, yet, I'm the only one who can forgive myself.

But, just in case you read this, this is what I want to say to you almost every day.

On failure

To quote Thomas Edison, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work."

Balancing Act

All of life is an experiment, right? And it  takes practice to get it right. And with experimentation and practice, lessons are learned. If there's anything I've learned through my little dance with triathlon is that balance is key. We have to balance focus on three different sports, making sure to not dedicate too much time to one aspect or risk taking away key fitness and speed of another activity. Even with the aid of a coach (or three), it can become daunting. And just when we think we have everything in it's place, life happens and throws everything off-kilter.

For example, early in the season, I dedicated a LOT of training time to the bike. And my bike splits improved dramatically! But my run seemed to suffer. Then, I got discouraged with the results from one race and some life events and my motivation plummeted. I'm ramping it back up, but I'm also trying to remember to throw in some key "fun time".

So, over the long weekend, I went camping down at Red River Gorge, where hiking ensued (yes, that is toothpaste on my shirt, thankyouverymuch)...

and a little knife throwing was done (maybe it's best to not ask)...

and amazing views were seen...

and great company was had (it only looks as though I'm trying to escape :))...

And upon arrival back home, it was to the Cleves Time Trial and out for morning runs and to masters swim practice for some hard work and back to work for a paycheck. Sometimes, it's great to have the kind of weekends that don't involve swim-bike-run and instead include fish 'n' chips and climbs and no showers and lots of laughs, ya know, to help maintain the balance, until life interrupts again.

Gettin' back my mojo

I'm not really sure what happened, but this last week was huge for me. Other than getting pulled over and searched, I really had a great time. I ran a lot. I talked with people in the shop. I got some time with friends and family. And I had a couple good workouts.

I decided early in the week, since one of the perks of working at the shop is that it's free, that I would race the mini tri (1k swim, 40k bike, 10k run) at Great Buckeye on Sunday. My confidence has been lacking. And I was feeling out of shape, so I figured this could just act as a test.

And lo and behold, somehow, I pulled out my first overall win!!!

I think it's just because none of my uber fast teammates were racing. We had perfect weather and I led start to finish. And my dad came out to witness. It was fun.

And most of all, it was just another affirmation that I'm going to be ok. In fact, I went out for a ride with a guy, whom I haven't known very long, on Friday and he was surprised at how much I was smiling and laughing. He just doesn't know that's how I typically am. How sad is that??

I'm getting back to me. And it feels good.

Never a dull moment

MONDAY - it's difficult to remember at this juncture, but I believe I slept in. I think I got an email from someone who kinda, almost knew Chris. And then I worked all day. And i came home, helped my dad, went to sleep uber early, but I awoke to...

TUESDAY - my car was stolen and my wallet was in the car. Oh crap! it's because my keys were in the ignition and I was walking up the stairwell at my old job...with my ex-boyfriend...who never worked there. And then I went to the bathroom and started my period. Ahh...sweet relief.

Yeah, that was the dream I had.

you can go and interpret it yourself, but basically, I'm feeling as though I'm being stripped of my identity. "This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person" and "there is an old lesson that you need to learn and apply to your current situation".

hmm....really? I'd never have guessed that!

Anyway, 4am up and getting ready for swim practice. Went fabulously! I guess. Then off to the grocery and for an hour run. I had the day off work and was sooo looking forward to just relaxing. So I did. Watched a movie from Netflix, cried, took a nap, awoke and decided to go to Barnes & Noble. And that's when the fun began...

See, my car has no A/C, so when I dropped my mom off to go to AZ for a few weeks, she told me to take her car. So I did. I left my car sitting in her driveway in IL. And time passed and i worked nearly every day, so when she got back to IL, I never had a chance to get back over there. Well, last Thurs, I had the day off, so I drove the 4 hours over there, dropped her car and drove the 4 hours back in my shitmobile, that has expired tags...

So, I was chatting with mom on the phone as Iwas driving to B&N and i saw lights. Dude pulled me over for expired tags. After much questioning and a good 15 mins writing out a ticket, he came back to my window "Ma'am, would you mind stepping out of the car for a moment?"... "Sure." I got out and walk to the back of the car where he continued to question me...and then asked "there's not anything in your car that shouldn't be, is there?" "no! go ahead and look if you want!" STUPID ME!!! This led to an additional 15 min search, dude on his hands and knees, opening up pots of lip gloss and questioning all the junk in my car until I finally let loose..."Ya wanna know the real story? Huh?! I was supposed to move, but it fell through! I went to IL to get away from every fucking thing and all this shit for a while. I just came back. I'm staying in my dad's apartment. I do triathlons. I have swim-bike-run shit all over my car. I have a suitcase in my trunk because I don't know where the fuck I'm going to be day to day!".

"Are you on any prescription medication?"

Ahahahahahahhaha...

WEDNESDAY: Holy crap, I'd forgotten just how difficult Spinervals are. Wow. Sweatfest. Love it. more work. That was the first day in a very, very long time that I was able to look in the mirror and think, honestly, "hey. you're not so bad. in fact, you're kinda pretty. there is a light in your eyes. and you're not as fat as you sometimes think..." total progress. worked again. all day.

THURSDAY: Awoke to dreams of vomitting, which apparently "indicates that I need to discard an aspect of my life that is revolting". Again. duh.

And then swim practice. Again. Where I got my arse kicked! I think I'll be sore, actually. A warm-up set and straight into 5x300 on 4:00, pull, then 22x50 on super fast intervals. and zombie kicks. awesome. And then coffee, a clif bar and a 90 min run.

And an afternoon frying myself at the pool with mom. And an evening hanging over a few beer with step-mom.

boring for you. not so much for me. :)

Moving on...

Since that last post, lots has happened.
I almost instantly felt relieved for having gotten it off my chest. And I understand that people will judge. I was not seeking pity or attempting to say that I was morally correct in my relationship with that man, but I was feeling a lot of pain, and I was living in it. For whatever reason, I needed to get it out. He was quite involved in my training and my life and it was affecting both.

I also received some comments that spurred further email communication, one of which included the following...

"ive seen so many changes in you over the last year and i just remember that sweet girl i met on the beach 2 years ago. you changed. you are angry, and you should be. youve been fucked over - alot. but you know what? you will grow from this, whether it's in 2 months, or 10 months, you will be in a better place than you are now. "

And I finished Born to Run. I think it's that last chapter, in which the author speaks of the character of those involved in the greatest footrace never seen, that really touched me. And, several times throughout the read, he mentions that the runners smile. and hoot. and laugh.
So, wow. I guess that email and a few comments and some work conversations made me really assess my attitude. And I realized that even my relationship with Chris was selfish. And my sorrow over it was selfish. And my anger, though much of it directed at myself, was selfish. And I have been angry. And I want to be happy again. I'm just blocking myself from it.

I took a couple days off training and by Saturday morning, I was up and running. And smiling. And I went to work HAPPY. And I didn't get mad at silly questions or upset customers. I helped where I could and just tried to make life easier for the guys at work. And Sunday, I had a long run in which I was singing along to my iPod.

And then the fun really began...it was cervelo demo day at the shop. Two guys from Cervelo brought about 30 bikes out for test riding in a huge trailer. It was hot and humid and sunny. And for two hours, we were sweating, swapping out pedals, adjusting seat heights, grilling, trying to make riders feel comfortable. And then the storm rolled in... And computers went flying and beautiful carbon bikes went crashing in a heap. And tents were in the air. We all got wet. And I don't think anyone got mad. And it was just a fun time, despite the fact that it wasn't ideal.

And I guess that's what life is all about, right? Having fun even when it's not ideal.

Chapter 30.0 - Chris A. and the Truth of the Matter [edited]

The day I met him is so vivid in my mind I can nearly recount each detail, from the clothes I was wearing (a green tank, cuffed boyfriend jeans, yellow beads that later became known as "the candy necklace", and wooden clogs), the employees in the shop, the weather (ominously dark, a storm looming), my purpose. It was Friday, April 16th. The day after tax day. I only know because I'd received a mass email invite for a tax day ride the day before and he'd replied "to all". I just needed some Chamois Butt'r. And time out of the office.

I didn't so much see him as I skittered in the back door as I felt him.

 I had been surprised by the noise of my clogs on the hard wood flooring. And then I turned around and he was there. And i took him all in. I heard him make a funny quip about how his "speak and spell was hooked up to his lite brite", the mistake for the "reply all". There was some joke about his riding a purple Vespa. And his old age. And idle chat about hammer gel, lube, the HOS 200 that I'd done just five days prior, the Rampage Ride vs Reser's ride on Tuesday nights. His lanky limbs and the striations of grey in his long curls that peeked beneath his paperboy cap and the veins that protruded and the wit and charm and his piercing eyes, the fact that he stood nearly a foot taller than I and the bright blue tee emblazoned with "I just want to ride bikes with you"...

I recall going back to the office with the most shit-eatin' grin on my face. By then, it had started raining. And I was pulling my hair into "Friday hair", exclaiming, as I skipped down the aisle of cubicles, that I'd just met "the next boy that was gonna fall in love with me".

I had his email. And sent an innocent little note, wishing that he'd gotten to his destination (on his little purple Vespa) dry. Little did I know that this would lead to an illicit affair.

It began innocently.

It was a matter of days before he was ditching plans to ride (in a group setting) with me. He patted my helmet afterward. And then a text just seconds after parting. A call the next day. A meeting. An intro to Clubby. Song lyrics on the mailbox. A talk (in which I found out later I was being "assessed" for flaws).

I was smitten. And he had a girlfriend. But that didn't leak out until I asked, as did many of the "minor" details. Ya know, like the fact that they lived together. And she had kids. It was all too complicated by the time I discovered that information.

He said things between them were "status quo". I had "taken his perfectly settled snowglobe, and shaken it" But now, you've drop-kicked mine.

[And what you don't know from previous chapters is what I may deem as "typical" or "normal". or the relationships in which i've been involved. or with whom and with what situations my most intimate friendships may be that could skew my whole perception....it's all relative!]

He was at my place morning (before work many times, watching me get ready), noon (lunch every day, many times losing track of time) and night (rides, during which I'd laugh so hard I couldn't pedal. Or I'd spit out my water mid-hill onto Ack, who would question my sanity).

He taught me to be a better rider. He gave me suggestions. He made me push. He helped me fall more in love with my Masi than I ever thought possible. He inspired me. And isn't that the greatest compliment of all? Inspiration? He believed in me more than I believed in me.

It makes sense now why he was brought to tears as he sat in my kitchen, sweaty from a ride, attempting to explain his attraction, but simply only being able to sputter that i was "meant for great things".

He'd told me he'd cut it off with her. He had an interview with Cannondale. Several interviews, in fact. Four phone interviews in one day. And he called me between each. He came over after and proposed the idea of moving to CT with him were he given the opportunity. he just wanted to tuck me under his arm and run off together. I thought there was no way he'd get off that easily.

Then I got the call. "Are you in the car? Do you have a minute? We're going to Connecticut!!!" I was going to the Cleves Time Trial. My legs went tingly. And my eyes blurred. And I lost my head. I knew I was a secret. And I could tell no one. But I was GUSHING with excitement. Got a new PR. Went for a run.

But something wasn't quite right. I was sharing him. And I couldn't handle receiving his heart and allowing his body to reside elsewhere at night. He swore there was nothing. He offered to allow me to walk until he got everyhing figured out. I was torn. And somehow, deep down, I felt that I could let him go then, or I could let him go later. but no matter what...

And I wanted all I could get at that moment in time.

So we continued to have extended lunches where time stood still. And long rides full of laughter. He brought me NyQuil and slathered me in VapoRub in the middle of the night when I was sick. We looked for apartments. We made plans.

And  he sat with my dad. And he discussed the move. He told my dad he'd be coming back soon to ask for my hand in marriage. He was going to give me a ring for my 30th birthday. But instead, I didn't even get a phone call.

I used to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. That's how he made me feel.

In retrospect, I understand why he'd sat on my couch, overcome with fear, tears welling as he told me that he'd be devastated if i ever left him, that he was afraid to take me from my stability, the most I'd ever had, and pull me out East. I guess he knew he was ruining it. He was the only one who knew.

By then, i wasn't so much a secret. Word was trickling out. I'd quit my job. And I gave up my apartment. I ended my gym membership.
 
I went out there. To search for a place. For us. Me and he and Clubby. Just five days before the big move. He'd already started at Cannondale. And she called my phone. She'd seen thousands of calls to one number on the bill. And all the lies began to unravel.

I was curled on the floor in the hotel room, screaming and crying, incapable of rational thought. Dad got me an early flight home. But business wasn't finished.

I picked him up from work and asked that we each just compartmentalize what had just occured so that we could enjoy one last night together. What purpose would angry words and tears serve at that point?

So, we went and had a pitcher (or two) of beer. And then to a Mexican joint for burritos. And then to this little Irish pub, where we danced, and sang and laughed. And loved.

And that's the last place we were "that couple"- ya know, the one everyone kinda admires; the couple everyone wishes they were; the couple you tell to "get a room" even though they have a room. and it's probably the honeymoon suite.

And the next morning, before I got on a flight to Cincinnati he told me I was awesome that night. What he didn't realize is that I'm awesome every night. And he could've had awesome forever.

That day is blurry. I remember bursting into tears on the first flight and a woman giving me a tissue. I remember being outside at the airport in DC talking to my mom. I remember him calling. And crying. And keeping me on the phone even though there were no words to be said. 

And I had told him time and again, that I would be just fine. I've been through sooooo much! But I didn't know if he'd be ok. He had a lot to learn. And discover. and with which to cope.

I took the pain I was feeling and stuffed it down. I didn't know it at the time. I just instilled physical pain on myself instead. I rode long and hard. And ran fast miles in the heat. I thought I was fine. I took some time out and went to IL to get away from the gossip. Word travels fast in the cycling community and it seemed everyone knew my story. And I hadn't told any one of them. (So, here it is now. I'm sure she has a different tale to tell. As does he.)

Now I find myself sad. and angry.

I was riding the other day, the wind beating me into submission, screaming "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" But it's not him I hate. I hate my situation.  I hate that I don't have a place to call home anymore. I hate the instability. I hate that I'm making $10/hour in a bike shop and I have a 401k sitting in the bank. I hate that I think of him every day. And I hate that people that I don't know, know me because of this. I hate putting on a happy face when I'm not feeling happy. I hate when people ask me where I live. I hate that when I briefly tell this story that people snicker. I hate seeing pity in others' eyes. I hate that I trusted and believed. And loved. And failed. I hate that the man I love is not in my life every day.

There are things that occur that make us question everything. This is one of those things. And some days, I question why I ride or run or swim at all. I used training. I used it to my advantage, to help me cope, to get me through. And I've found it's failing me. Because training can't heal a broken heart. But it sure can make one tired. And abusing it can make the passion for it go into hiding. And denying the heart the ability to grieve can make one angry. And bitter.

So, I'm taking a break. And I'm getting honest about how I feel. This isn't for you. It's for me.

My life, as of now

I am an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much always have been. I mean, my calculus teacher in high school even said so. And the boss I had at CVS through high school/college still tells stories of me going ballistic in the back room after dealing with idiot customers...or idiot coworkers. When I was a kid, I was sooo incredibly shy. And sensitive beyond belief. I would cry at the slightest bit of constructive criticism.

Luckily, the world has decided to toughen me up a bit and throw me a few assholes to fall in love with. And it's given me a few hurdles to overcome. And, ya know, I've come out on the other side of each one stronger, fuller, wiser, better. Don't get me wrong. They've all entailed tears and tantrums and yelling and screaming and blaming and name calling. And it's typically all very dramatic and excruciating. Like, bottom-of-the-barrel-psycho-wanna-die-or-kill-someone kinda pain. And as suddenly as it came on, it's gone. I've come to a point of acceptance (or I've gained some amount of control) and I move on.

But this one...this one is different. It's lingering. I awake from dreams and have to actually bring myself back to reality before reality sinks in. This one has me stuck a bit. And when I feel stuck, I run. A lot. Running is my first love. No matter how horrible a day, a run can relax me. It can take off the edge.

I can find relief in a run.

And it just so happens that I've been reading Born to Run, which is AMAZING, by the way. And as I was reading through last night, a certain point struck me. The author is speaking of the Tarahumara and their running. And how one coach stumbled upon their "it" factor. That "it" factor that makes them so strong and fast and, well, what you can't put into words; character. The notion of character that is compassion. Kindness. Love.

"[He] couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his gut kept telling him there was some kind of connection between the capacity to love and the capacity to love running. The engineering was certainly the same: both depended on loosening your grip on your own desires, putting aside what you wanted and appreciating what you got, being patient and forgiving and undemanding...we wouldn't be alive without love; we wouldn't have survived without running; maybe we shouldn't be surprised that getting better at one could make you better at the other."

I don't really know what I'm getting at here, except that maybe, subconciously, my love of running increases when there is less love from other sources. But hell, what do I know?
I also put in a couple good swim practices and a solo 90 mile ride on my day off. It was one of those rides where I started and suddenly, I was stopping at mile 45 to get some fluids. And before I knew it, I was back to where i started. And I barely recalled having just ridden for 4.5 hours.

Oh, and I've been working a lot. At the bike shop. The days go by quickly. And I'm learning a lot. But there is a complete difference between being on your feet all day at work and sitting in front of a computer in a cubicle all day at work. the former leaves you much more tired. But i get to talk with lots of interesting people (coworkers included).

And this week, I'm dog-sitting for my dad. It's already hectic. A lab/husky pup, a full grown lab and my Clubby. So life is definitely not dull right now. But some days it sure is blah.