I almost instantly felt relieved for having gotten it off my chest. And I understand that people will judge. I was not seeking pity or attempting to say that I was morally correct in my relationship with that man, but I was feeling a lot of pain, and I was living in it. For whatever reason, I needed to get it out. He was quite involved in my training and my life and it was affecting both.
I also received some comments that spurred further email communication, one of which included the following...
"ive seen so many changes in you over the last year and i just remember that sweet girl i met on the beach 2 years ago. you changed. you are angry, and you should be. youve been fucked over - alot. but you know what? you will grow from this, whether it's in 2 months, or 10 months, you will be in a better place than you are now. "
And I finished Born to Run. I think it's that last chapter, in which the author speaks of the character of those involved in the greatest footrace never seen, that really touched me. And, several times throughout the read, he mentions that the runners smile. and hoot. and laugh.
So, wow. I guess that email and a few comments and some work conversations made me really assess my attitude. And I realized that even my relationship with Chris was selfish. And my sorrow over it was selfish. And my anger, though much of it directed at myself, was selfish. And I have been angry. And I want to be happy again. I'm just blocking myself from it.
I took a couple days off training and by Saturday morning, I was up and running. And smiling. And I went to work HAPPY. And I didn't get mad at silly questions or upset customers. I helped where I could and just tried to make life easier for the guys at work. And Sunday, I had a long run in which I was singing along to my iPod.
And then the fun really began...it was cervelo demo day at the shop. Two guys from Cervelo brought about 30 bikes out for test riding in a huge trailer. It was hot and humid and sunny. And for two hours, we were sweating, swapping out pedals, adjusting seat heights, grilling, trying to make riders feel comfortable. And then the storm rolled in... And computers went flying and beautiful carbon bikes went crashing in a heap. And tents were in the air. We all got wet. And I don't think anyone got mad. And it was just a fun time, despite the fact that it wasn't ideal.
And I guess that's what life is all about, right? Having fun even when it's not ideal.