Moving on...

Since that last post, lots has happened.
I almost instantly felt relieved for having gotten it off my chest. And I understand that people will judge. I was not seeking pity or attempting to say that I was morally correct in my relationship with that man, but I was feeling a lot of pain, and I was living in it. For whatever reason, I needed to get it out. He was quite involved in my training and my life and it was affecting both.

I also received some comments that spurred further email communication, one of which included the following...

"ive seen so many changes in you over the last year and i just remember that sweet girl i met on the beach 2 years ago. you changed. you are angry, and you should be. youve been fucked over - alot. but you know what? you will grow from this, whether it's in 2 months, or 10 months, you will be in a better place than you are now. "

And I finished Born to Run. I think it's that last chapter, in which the author speaks of the character of those involved in the greatest footrace never seen, that really touched me. And, several times throughout the read, he mentions that the runners smile. and hoot. and laugh.
So, wow. I guess that email and a few comments and some work conversations made me really assess my attitude. And I realized that even my relationship with Chris was selfish. And my sorrow over it was selfish. And my anger, though much of it directed at myself, was selfish. And I have been angry. And I want to be happy again. I'm just blocking myself from it.

I took a couple days off training and by Saturday morning, I was up and running. And smiling. And I went to work HAPPY. And I didn't get mad at silly questions or upset customers. I helped where I could and just tried to make life easier for the guys at work. And Sunday, I had a long run in which I was singing along to my iPod.

And then the fun really began...it was cervelo demo day at the shop. Two guys from Cervelo brought about 30 bikes out for test riding in a huge trailer. It was hot and humid and sunny. And for two hours, we were sweating, swapping out pedals, adjusting seat heights, grilling, trying to make riders feel comfortable. And then the storm rolled in... And computers went flying and beautiful carbon bikes went crashing in a heap. And tents were in the air. We all got wet. And I don't think anyone got mad. And it was just a fun time, despite the fact that it wasn't ideal.

And I guess that's what life is all about, right? Having fun even when it's not ideal.

My life, as of now

I am an emotional roller coaster. I pretty much always have been. I mean, my calculus teacher in high school even said so. And the boss I had at CVS through high school/college still tells stories of me going ballistic in the back room after dealing with idiot customers...or idiot coworkers. When I was a kid, I was sooo incredibly shy. And sensitive beyond belief. I would cry at the slightest bit of constructive criticism.

Luckily, the world has decided to toughen me up a bit and throw me a few assholes to fall in love with. And it's given me a few hurdles to overcome. And, ya know, I've come out on the other side of each one stronger, fuller, wiser, better. Don't get me wrong. They've all entailed tears and tantrums and yelling and screaming and blaming and name calling. And it's typically all very dramatic and excruciating. Like, bottom-of-the-barrel-psycho-wanna-die-or-kill-someone kinda pain. And as suddenly as it came on, it's gone. I've come to a point of acceptance (or I've gained some amount of control) and I move on.

But this one...this one is different. It's lingering. I awake from dreams and have to actually bring myself back to reality before reality sinks in. This one has me stuck a bit. And when I feel stuck, I run. A lot. Running is my first love. No matter how horrible a day, a run can relax me. It can take off the edge.

I can find relief in a run.

And it just so happens that I've been reading Born to Run, which is AMAZING, by the way. And as I was reading through last night, a certain point struck me. The author is speaking of the Tarahumara and their running. And how one coach stumbled upon their "it" factor. That "it" factor that makes them so strong and fast and, well, what you can't put into words; character. The notion of character that is compassion. Kindness. Love.

"[He] couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his gut kept telling him there was some kind of connection between the capacity to love and the capacity to love running. The engineering was certainly the same: both depended on loosening your grip on your own desires, putting aside what you wanted and appreciating what you got, being patient and forgiving and undemanding...we wouldn't be alive without love; we wouldn't have survived without running; maybe we shouldn't be surprised that getting better at one could make you better at the other."

I don't really know what I'm getting at here, except that maybe, subconciously, my love of running increases when there is less love from other sources. But hell, what do I know?
I also put in a couple good swim practices and a solo 90 mile ride on my day off. It was one of those rides where I started and suddenly, I was stopping at mile 45 to get some fluids. And before I knew it, I was back to where i started. And I barely recalled having just ridden for 4.5 hours.

Oh, and I've been working a lot. At the bike shop. The days go by quickly. And I'm learning a lot. But there is a complete difference between being on your feet all day at work and sitting in front of a computer in a cubicle all day at work. the former leaves you much more tired. But i get to talk with lots of interesting people (coworkers included).

And this week, I'm dog-sitting for my dad. It's already hectic. A lab/husky pup, a full grown lab and my Clubby. So life is definitely not dull right now. But some days it sure is blah.

Valuable Lessons

I'm learning some things.

• Don't take run route suggestions from a non-runner. "Oh, it's about 9 miles. and there are some hills" really means "it's 12 miles. and you go downhill for six and uphill for the last six." It seems people in cars underestimate hill climbs. and distance.
• I am not wired quite right. Giving myself permission to take it easy and slack means I will want to get back on track. Immediately. And the
• Not everyone appreciates brutal honesty. Like, the girls at work don't really love watching me peel off my dead toenail. Even if they think it's hilariously disgusting.
• Cyclists have huge egos. Maybe that's part of why I love them.
• It's always when things need to get done that you will be approached by someone whome you haven't seen in a very long time. And they will want to talk to you about all kinds of things. most of these things will not be important. And you won't care at all.
• Non-triathletes do not realize the amount of time and effort that goes into training. For example: Runner's World currently has an article on how to train for a tri in 6 weeks. Um. I was a runner first. I also had this mentality that i could easily complete a triathlon. I did complete my first one. But it wasn't pretty. It was demoralizing. I suppose it may just be that I prefer to be competitive.
• When non-tri people do hear of the training regimen, I think they rarely believe. Or it just doesn't sink in. And then the first question is "how do you have a life?!?" Um. This is a way of life. My friends also swim. And/or ride bikes. And/or run. And a few of them just drink beer.
• Unemployment is overrated. Yes, I got a job. At the local tri shop, Wheelie Fun. It won't make me rich. But I'm pretty stoked about the casual dress and the perks. And just having something to do.
• It's difficult to hydrate when riding for hours upon hours in 96 degrees and 90% humidity.
• Full moons create crazy situations.

oh, Musseman, how I love thee...

And not just because you give me PRs. Or because you're in the beautiful Finger Lakes region. Or even because you've got the BEST swag of any race...

It's because you always let me know I have so much yet to learn.

Last year, I went into this race with very little expectation. And I came out having learned I'm capable of so much more than I imagined. And that I can defy predetermined expectations or beliefs. And this year, I learned about having a "bad" (feeling) race. And still coming out with good results. And realizing the importance of not relying on supposed strengths...

I just back to Cincy a few hours ago and I'm exhausted. And I REALLY want to go to Masters practice before heading to IL to see my precious Clubby in the morn, so I'll just leave you with some highlights. A full race report and pictures will follow:

 - I missed my goal of breaking 5 hours by 25 seconds...with a 5:00.24
 - BUT I accomplished my goal of cracking top 5 with a 3rd place overall finish. And I scored some cash and a bottle of chardonnay.
 - There are some fast runner chicks out there. I am not one of them.
 - Nutrition is oh-so-important during a race.
 - I have the MOST AMAZING friends and family!!
 - I met some blogger buddies.
 - And ran into Team USA peeps.
 - And reconnected with some guys from TTT.
 - Ack is an awesome travel partner; he always carries a camera. And he isn't afraid to drink beer.

play time days

That picture of me and the mutt? It was right after I'd finished my run on Monday. That run was full of sweat and smiles and singing along to the iPod and waving at (oggling) passers-by and jumping curbs and stopping to pet a pug. It was just pure, unadulterated fun. It was what I love about running. It was running without an agenda or a focus on pace or intervals or even a route, distance or time. It was just walking out the door and taking off in any direction, getting a little lost in West Covington, and enjoying the sun, the heat, the ability I have to do this sorta thing.


And Tuesday? I decided to get up at 4:30am and go to Masters practice...and I also decided to NOT push it. Coach Aaron tried to place me in the fastest lane for the main set. I simply stated that I wasn't ready to push it yet. So I led my lane instead...for a killer set of 4x(300 on 4:15, 200 on 2:40). We used fins and got plenty of rest, but that's a lot of swimming for just a portion of the practice!


Tuesday evening, I followed the plan and the did intervals on the bike . It felt good to pick up the pace, to gun it up a hill, to relax between sets. And to finish the cool-down in the rain.

Had a conversation with the good doc on Wednesday. He said "YOU are the expert on you. You have to listen to your body. I think you're being given a great opportunity here." Wha?! This "opportunity" sucks donkey dick. I come from the school of thought that if your mind thinks your body is hurting, that is your mind tricking you and you need to surpass this level of "pain" to tap into real potential, real speed, real endurance, real pain. This makes it difficult for me to discern "real" pain from "perceived" pain. Regardless, I left feeling a bit more focused and at ease.


All this was great and fun and quite lovely, but the real magic happened Wednesday night after my interval run.


My car themometer read 87 degrees, probably 80% humidity...and the sun was burning down. I started with my warm-up and as I was crossing the bridge with the Reds traffic, I saw a skinny bitch up ahead (he he he! A rabbit!). And just then, the warm-up was over and the intervals kicked in. I passed her and never looked back. These were relatively short intervals - 3 mins. And there were only four of them. After thefirst two, I was still feeling great. It was that third one when the pain kicked in. I could feel the heat on my back and the burning in my thighs and the fire in my lungs. And the fourth one was just brutal...keeping close eye on the watch, counting seconds, until FINALLY, the cool-down.

This was a focused run, which means no music, no lolly-gaggin', just running with purpose. And it's after these type runs that I assess things. So, assess I did. As I walked Clubber and the lethargy set in, I weighed my alternatives. On one hand, I want so badly to compete at Louisville this year...and I want to listen to Coach E and do what he says and be the BEST I can be, which won't be the best I want to be. And on the other hand, I want to just have fun. I want to do road races, 5ks, trail runs, the Cleves TTs, Masters swim practice. I don't want to be beholden to a rigid plan of action that won't allow these moments of play.

And it occured to me that these things aren't mutually exclusive. I can go do these things I want to do. I can have a plan. I can also be open to deviating from that plan. I can still go to Louisville and compete. And I can go in a much more relaxed state of mind if I allow myself to play. I can also decide that I'm just not ready for Louisville when it arrives. I always said that when this becomes not fun, I hope I have sense enough to quit. And I'm just putting a lot of stress on myself to be so rigid at a time when I've got no control over how I'm going to feel, physically, on a day-to-day basis. So, I decided that I'm just gonna have fun and not take myself so damn seriously...

And, this meant getting up again at 4:30am to go to Masters practice :) Coach E isn't a fan, but this to me is play time...but an incredibly intensely physical play time. Today's main set was avg best 100s. I held 1:20 on all, maybe dipped to 1:21 on 8 and 9, and went out a little fast at 1:17, but pretty consistently there. It hurt. so. good. And I stayed and chatted and laughed with Aaron and the boys after.

I walked out with a smile on my face and I felt freer than I've felt in weeks.

i'mmmm baaaack.

I've had so much time off training with being so sick for so long that I didn't really see much sense in posting. I've had a million thoughts run through my head and a million reasons to write, but I hesitated...and never followed through.

I am back to running. I'm not able to swim or bike just yet. And my runs are short (an hour at most), relatively speaking. And slow. But I still gain peace in running. In being alone. In sweating. In feeling my heart beat. I've run with more pent up emotion this last week than I've probably ever had. But for an hour or less, I have an outlet.

My life has not been threatened by illness, but it is significantly altered. It's something, that once again, has been an impetus to make me take a step back and really look at things that matter in life. It's made me have such gratitude for those that love and care about me. It makes me grateful for what my body is capable of doing. It's made me realize that for a while, I took those abilities for granted. I pushed and demanding more and more from my body. I didn't take enough time to cherish it. I won't do that anymore.

My eyes have been opened to some very simple truths in life. I always have believed that everything happens for a reason. I know I don't always understand why the bad things happen, like people getting cancer or the loss of a small child. Mostly, I can somehow see the blessing that resides in the catastrophic. Now I can see that, sometimes, God's very blessing is allowing something bad to happen to prevent something worse from happening.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

It's all OK...

I've been forced to the sidelines for a time, so I haven't posted. I'm not able to train or work or eat much or sleep without aid and I'm not sure when life will resume some type of regularity...but I know that time is coming.

The past week has been very difficult physically and emotionally. So many nights I've cried myself to sleep or awoken in the middle of the night to have a meltdown. I've been in pain that makes me convulse and faint and cry and those close to me have had to watch...and worry.

But I'm on the mend, physically. And my heart is also healing.

Fortunately, God puts some really special people in your life and you don't always know the purpose behind these meetings...but sometimes that purpose is what gets you through a hard day or a life crisis.

Today, I got a call from Judi and I wasn't in the best state of mind and I didn't want to answer, but the words she spoke gave me hope. The things of which she reminded were imperative. The suggestions she gave put a smile on my face and thoughts in my mind.

And things began to turn around. And I know that everything is going to be ok. I know that changes must be made. I know that the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do (which I learned from another one of those very special people whom I'll blog about tomorrow). And I know that I have to rest and allow my body to heal, but I also have to pick myself up and move on and allow my heart to heal too.

The healing has begun. And it's all ok...

lessons in life

I started reading The Alchemist again last night. It's just such a great book. So many lessons stated in plain English! I started underlining them as I read... One of them reads: "I'm like everyone else - I see the world in terms of what I would like to see happen, not what actually does." It's funny how our lives are completely based upon our perspective of it. I went home for lunch today and Kaylee was home sick, watching Cheetah Girls. I was drawn in (yeah, i know...I'm as shocked as you). There were actually a few good lessons contained in the episode, one of which was: "Don't miss where you are right now because you're anxious about the future."

Anyway, last night, I had a 90 minute trainer session scheduled. I got in an hour and couldn't hack anymore. I had no energy. This morning, lots of drainage. I think the majority of my calories are coming from snot.

I did, however, wake up to my favorite running weather - 55 degrees and light rain! I love it more when it's dark. I love how great that cool moist air feels in my lungs...and how comforting the light rain feels once I begin to sweat...and how splashing through a puddle makes me feel a bit like a kid again...and how I saw only one other soul in the hour I was outside...and he wasn't running.

Heading off to Dayton in less than an hour to go see Paully. Tomorrow is the big sale at our tri shop, Wheelie Fun, and I'm hoping to snag a full wetsuit on the cheap...and then dad's making us dinner. I figure he should at least meet Paul before I go live with him this summer.