Monday, September 27, 2010

Can you hear me?

My morning run was absolutely fabulous. It was about 54 degrees. And breezy. I went out and at about the 2 mile mark, I was a couple minutes ahead of typical time to get there. And by the 3.5 mile mark, it was four and half minutes. And I just felt light. And good. And I'm going into taper week...for the qualifier for ITU 2011 Long-Course World Champs.

But yesterday....Yesterday was a different story. I woke up feeling crappy. And ill.

I get a little too cerebral at times. And I listen to a lot of music. And I like to read. And I enjoy bouncing ideas off others. I find it healing to discuss issues with those I find to have some experience. Or insight. Or knowledge.

So, as I was telling a friend of mine about my busted up self-esteem (and he was attempting to build it back up) I leaked out that I am not one who wishes to re-build myself with the compliments of others. I know (because I learned the hard way) that I can't cling to another's sense of my worth to gain self-worth. And I was sent this quote.
"Self esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn't earned; it isn't conditional; can't be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater or lesser than that of any other human being. It can't be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you're alive" - Terrence Real

And while I could come up with a million little arguements to negate this claim, it led me to much as I don't want someone else to help rebuild my self-esteem, I am more than willing to allow someone else to tear me down. Where's the logic in that? I have allowed nearly every ounce of the good things I feel about ME to go down the toilet because.... why? Because someone I loved felt like I was worth walking away from. And that I wasn't worthy of following through on. And that all the little promises were just words. And everything that was meant to be was just a lie. And I guess I let that sink in too deep.

But one person has never made me into someone. And one person can't keep me from being someone. So maybe I'm just vascillating?

I find myself swinging from angry to numb. And when I'm angry, I want someone to blame. And who's the easy target? Him. But it's not reality. I have allowed it. I am to blame. And, yet, I'm the only one who can forgive myself.

But, just in case you read this, this is what I want to say to you almost every day.


Christi said...

Wow, that is a great perspective. I have never thought about self-esteem like that but it makes a lot of sense. I have not gone through the incident that you went through but I have low self-esteem for other reasons. I am going to try remember your ideas!

Mollie said...

Great quote - I totally agree! I think a lot of people (and athletes especially) feel like they need to somehow earn and "deserve" everything. (i.e. we wouldn't expect to race well if we didn't put in the training), but it's important to distinguish between that and real life. Our actual worth has nothing to do with what we've accomplished but who we are! :)