Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Struggling

So, while there are moments when I have the "i haven't screwed up, i've just learned" attitude, there are also times when i have the "if life ain't beautiful without the pain, well, i'd rather never ever see beauty again" kinda attitude.

And, admittedly, I've felt the latter on more than one occasion this last week. I absolutely hate saying this. or typing it, but...

(gasp!) I've lost my love for the bike.

I miss the feeling of weightless speed and climbing hills with ease. and feeling as though I could ride for hours on hours. And I really, really miss having fun riding. I miss laughing so hard I didn't think about the pain in my legs or my lungs. All my buddies are through with their tri seasons. And I have a little over a week remaining until HalfMax. I hate to say this too, but I'm looking forward to being through with structured training for a bit.

I have been getting back on the trainer for some focused rides, particularly since the light is dwindling quickly with the coming of fall. But even then, I'm just getting the workout in and sweating. So I can, hopefully, pull off one good last race.

The real struggle isn't so much the training. It's the pressure that I put on myself to perform. It's becoming a bit much. The fear of failure. The fear that I won't be as good as I know I'm capable. It's giving me major anxiety. I'm worried that my life issues of the summer have interfered with my training and mentality and that I've allowed something to keep me from living up to my potential. And now it's too late to hunker down and get any more fit. Long hard workouts will do nothing to help me now. And will only hurt. So, I think the real challenge of this next race is completely mental. I have to learn to believe. And trust. I've put in the work. Now, I just have to not allow the recent self-esteem beating to interfere with racing.

6 comments:

The Sean said...

If I were in your position... I would take 48 hours minimum... no exercising, no talking about workouts or races. Do things you never do, catch up on projects you have been meaning to do. Get away from your head!

Let IT come back to you when it is ready. It will bring your joy along with it.

Tawnee said...

I feel for ya. I was pretty burnt out at one point last year. There's tons of things I'd love to say, but I'll keep it to one: Don't focus too much on the outcome (i.e. your fear of failure/how you'll finish the race). Remind yourself that you're good, and try to find enjoyment in each moment regardless of what happens in the end. We all know you KICK ASS, so you have nothing to prove to anyone.

I also agree wit Sean, take a mini break. No triathlon stuff allowed.

Good luck!

Red Bike said...

"(gasp!) I've lost my love for the bike."

I've got the opposite problem at the moment. I'm desperate to go out riding but alas my body isn't willing.

Just take a small break from riding and i'm sure you'll soon remember just what it was that made you enjoy riding in the first place.

zencycle said...

Sure, take a break, though I'd think you're going to need significantly more than 48 hours (no offense, sean).

Go on social rides; borrow a mountain bike from the shop and try riding off road; just go out to have fun. No training, no goals other than taking in nature and piece (peace?) of mind.

Big Daddy Diesel said...

I had a recent conversation with someone about AG'ers and Pros. Alot of AG'ers race to escape life, for the pro's its there job, how they get paid, I always wondered if they view it like we view our jobs. Maybe being around bikes 24/7 has something to do with that passion?

I have noticed, you have the "switch" when race day comes, you turn it on. Its a gift very few people have.

thekettleblackest said...

Get a single speed mountain bike and find some dirt to ride it on!