Sunday, February 19, 2012

untitled was going really great. I was doing 70 mile weeks very comfortably, including hill work and long runs. and then i got up to 80 miles in a week. I did back to back 20 milers. I did a 25 mile run at 7:46 pace.

And then, i got bronchitis....with a touch of pneumonia....and I'm on  a z-pack. and i'm on the mend. But this illness and the time off and the stress inducing causation of it all has really made me take a step back and appreciate the health i do have.

I've gotten mixed reviews on what I share about my personal life on here. And, honestly, that's part of the reason I quit sharing altogether.But, you know what, this is for me...not so much for you, though I do love your support. And i promise I'll talk about training more and I'll post more. but tonight, I just have to share what I've learned through heartache and pain and training and growing into myself....

I wrote this list back in 2006, when a friend asked if I'd learned anything through ,my marriage and subsequent divorce....And we had gone to san Francisco while shit was going down and ironically, I'm going back this week, and going through another transitional phase in which i need a reminder of these things, so, here's what I came up with then..

You asked me what I learned...

that you can love someone without being in love with them.
that it isn't the institution of marriage that is flawed, but the relationship.
that if what i had with him is the greatest thing i will have with someone else, i'd rather be alone.
that love is true and total acceptance.
that consistently putting your friends above your spouse is simply not realizing your spouse is your best friend.
that co-dependency is not love.
that you have to love you to love someone else. If that someone else doesn't allow you to love yourself, they can't be the person for you.
that everything happens for a reason.
that love sees beauty no matter what your clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry...
that once trust is broken, it might never be restored.
that love doesn't force you to unwillingly sacrifice things you love.
that i am okay...good even...maybe great, even if not great for him.
that everyone needs someone (or lots of someones) besides their spouse.
that you should never feel guilty for doing the things you love to do, even if the other person doesn't particularly enjoy those things themself.
that you never HAVE to stop learning about the other.
that sometimes, when you are sad, you don't even realize it because you haven't been happy in so long.
that it is far easier to forgive than to forget.
that sometimes, you should just be grateful.
that you shouldn't have to be afraid of your next wrong-doing.
that time together won't ALWAYS be fun, but it should be some of the time.
that it's okay to admit defeat.
that i don't need acceptance, approval or attention from any man to be acceptable.
that sometimes, you have to give yourself that hug you want so badly.
that you should never give up hope for that right person, but know that it will be fine if you never actually find them.
that independence is liberating.
that time and effort don't always equal success.
that you will know when you've had enough.
that jealousy, control, harassment are not emotions wrought of love.
that you shouldn't say/do things you regret or apologize for in the morning.
that sometimes, it's okay to get drunk and make an ass of yourself, but....
that it isn't okay to do so on a consistent basis.
that you really should never go to bed angry.
that you shouldn't have to cry yourself to sleep when the person that says they love you more than anything is lying right next to you.
that i am strong, i am likeable, i am funny (sometimes), i am beautiful, i am smart, and i can do so many thing that someone else may not be able to. i am me.
that i am amanda, not just so-and-so's friend/girlfriend/fiance/wife.
that you should always follow your instincts.
that doubt is a good indicator.
that someone who doesn't appreciate your time, doesn't deserve your time.
that communication is a major factor in any relationship.
that tough times call for tough measures.
that something in life will show you who your true friends are...and that you are lucky/blessed to have even two true friends in life.
that you shouldn't feel as though your opinion doesn't matter.
that you don't always get your way, but you shouldn't always let them have their way- compromise is key!!!
that if your friends and family don't like him, there is probably a reason.
that being denied too many times will lead to never asking for that same thing again.
that deprivation of even one elemental thing is completely destructive.
that oftentimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
that everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not yet the end


mtanner said...

Most excellent list!

Emily Hartman said...

Thanks Amanda, thorough list and so familiar. Except that I always got sick of hearing "everything happens for a reason" was a default answer when people didn't otherwise know what to say. I'm more of a believer in "shit happens", and it even happens to good people.

Brett P said...

That's a great list, Amanda. Very thought-provoking. I can see many parallels from my own marriage and divorce. Keep your head up and be true to yourself.

Christi said...

Very wise words. Thanks for sharing.

Carolina John said...

Another transitional phase? wowza, you've really been put through the ringer lately.

I love your list. Really, I just appreciate your honest perspective as so few people are willing to share that much. I put a lot out there too, and it's not always easy. Be strong and brave, and you'll find the best, most stable you that there is.

Mary Sunshine said...

um... i don't do the love thing...

but I always want you to know that I admire and support you.

and anytime you want to share how you have become such an amazing athlete... I'm listening!

Chuck said...

It's great that you write about more than just training and racing because we are so much more than that. We are humans with relationships and jobs and many other facets that make us complete. Thanks for showing who you are - a woman who is more than an athlete.

per head service said...

It is a pity that you got Bronchitis and even worse that it affects your training but I bet you will recover your pace in no time.