untitled

So....training was going really great. I was doing 70 mile weeks very comfortably, including hill work and long runs. and then i got up to 80 miles in a week. I did back to back 20 milers. I did a 25 mile run at 7:46 pace.

And then, i got bronchitis....with a touch of pneumonia....and I'm on  a z-pack. and i'm on the mend. But this illness and the time off and the stress inducing causation of it all has really made me take a step back and appreciate the health i do have.

I've gotten mixed reviews on what I share about my personal life on here. And, honestly, that's part of the reason I quit sharing altogether.But, you know what, this is for me...not so much for you, though I do love your support. And i promise I'll talk about training more and I'll post more. but tonight, I just have to share what I've learned through heartache and pain and training and growing into myself....

I wrote this list back in 2006, when a friend asked if I'd learned anything through ,my marriage and subsequent divorce....And we had gone to san Francisco while shit was going down and ironically, I'm going back this week, and going through another transitional phase in which i need a reminder of these things, so, here's what I came up with then..

You asked me what I learned...

that you can love someone without being in love with them.
that it isn't the institution of marriage that is flawed, but the relationship.
that if what i had with him is the greatest thing i will have with someone else, i'd rather be alone.
that love is true and total acceptance.
that consistently putting your friends above your spouse is simply not realizing your spouse is your best friend.
that co-dependency is not love.
that you have to love you to love someone else. If that someone else doesn't allow you to love yourself, they can't be the person for you.
that everything happens for a reason.
that love sees beauty no matter what your clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry...
that once trust is broken, it might never be restored.
that love doesn't force you to unwillingly sacrifice things you love.
that i am okay...good even...maybe great, even if not great for him.
that everyone needs someone (or lots of someones) besides their spouse.
that you should never feel guilty for doing the things you love to do, even if the other person doesn't particularly enjoy those things themself.
that you never HAVE to stop learning about the other.
that sometimes, when you are sad, you don't even realize it because you haven't been happy in so long.
that it is far easier to forgive than to forget.
that sometimes, you should just be grateful.
that you shouldn't have to be afraid of your next wrong-doing.
that time together won't ALWAYS be fun, but it should be some of the time.
that it's okay to admit defeat.
that i don't need acceptance, approval or attention from any man to be acceptable.
that sometimes, you have to give yourself that hug you want so badly.
that you should never give up hope for that right person, but know that it will be fine if you never actually find them.
that independence is liberating.
that time and effort don't always equal success.
that you will know when you've had enough.
that jealousy, control, harassment are not emotions wrought of love.
that you shouldn't say/do things you regret or apologize for in the morning.
that sometimes, it's okay to get drunk and make an ass of yourself, but....
that it isn't okay to do so on a consistent basis.
that you really should never go to bed angry.
that you shouldn't have to cry yourself to sleep when the person that says they love you more than anything is lying right next to you.
that i am strong, i am likeable, i am funny (sometimes), i am beautiful, i am smart, and i can do so many thing that someone else may not be able to. i am me.
that i am amanda, not just so-and-so's friend/girlfriend/fiance/wife.
that you should always follow your instincts.
that doubt is a good indicator.
that someone who doesn't appreciate your time, doesn't deserve your time.
that communication is a major factor in any relationship.
that tough times call for tough measures.
that something in life will show you who your true friends are...and that you are lucky/blessed to have even two true friends in life.
that you shouldn't feel as though your opinion doesn't matter.
that you don't always get your way, but you shouldn't always let them have their way- compromise is key!!!
that if your friends and family don't like him, there is probably a reason.
that being denied too many times will lead to never asking for that same thing again.
that deprivation of even one elemental thing is completely destructive.
that oftentimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
that everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not yet the end

8 Seconds

No, I'm not talking about that bull riding movie with Luke Perry. I'm talking about how many seconds over 11 hours it took me to complete IMKY.  That eight seconds is kinda haunting me.

But let's start from the beginning...

Typical race morning: have some coffee, be sure to poo, eat some food, pump tires and check bags in transition. It all happened. Then to the swim line, where my mom, dad, and Marc all found me...as did some teammates, Val, Cathie, Charlie, Pater and Amy (who was also racing). It was great to have such support so early in the game.

I will say that I was most concerned about my swim time not meeting expectations. I told Marc to not panic if I came out at 1:10 because I was expected to go about 1:05. Just before we were sent off, there was a "medical emergency" and we were stalled on the dock for close to 10 mins. And then they let us go!

I jumped in and just swam. I tried to stay long and I just focused on passing as many people as possible. Obviously, with the huge time lag, there was quite a gap between our group and the people ahead. I gat swam over right at the start but other than that, I just thought about my stroke, how my kick can help some and following through, just like at masters practice. I didn't feel particularly great, so I thought for sure I was going to come in around 1:15 again since it's not wetsuit legal. To my shock and awe, I hit the steps, looked at my watch and saw 1:02 something. wtf? I took 13 mins off my swim time. Yikes. Hooray! official Swim time 1:02.59. Holy crap, and thanks Aaron and the boys at masters.

T1 was uneventful except for the fact that I had no volunteer. I just took off my swim suit, grabbed my tri suit and peed the longest biggest pee of the day :) time 5:32

And onto the bike...and that's where the trouble began. Leading into IMKY, I was feeling good on the bike. I borrowed wheels from a buddy and he told me to get new tires, particularly the back one. Well, I picked up a tire and replaced the back one. I rode it down to transition on Saturday with now problem. Out of T1, different story. The tire was rubbing my frame. Every pedal stroke was a struggle. I pulled to the side right out of transition and tried to pull it away from the frame...and got back on...but every stroke, there was one little portion of the tire rubbing and it sounded GOD AWFUL!! Some girl looked at me and said "that's really loud". No kidding?!! I saw Marc and stopped, I was beginning to panic. Some guy tried to tell me to go back and have the mechanics look at it. Another tried to help, but then said something about not helping. So he just talked me through it...pull the wheel away from the frame, lock it down tight. It's not fully in, but it's fine. After about 4 mins (and the 2 I spent prior to that), some tears, a few curse words, I was back on the bike. Marc just yelled that I didn't lose too much time and to just settle in, which is what I knew I had to do.

I felt good after that, a little worried, but just riding. Then came the first climb...and I down shifted and the rubbing started again! DAMMIT. So, I got to the top, pulled to the side, re-adjusted, again, and went on my way. All in all, I think I probably lost close to 10 mins total. But I try to keep in mind that no race is ever going to go perfectly. I just rode. And then I lost my bottle of G2 and my water was out. I was just praying for the next aid station. I had some lonely moments out there for sure. There were times I thought about the training it took to get there and I may have shed a few tears (I'm super sentimental). And there were some dark points. But just as they'd hit, I would see a teammate or Marc or someone yelling my name and I came back to life. In fact, apparently, I smiled.

I won't lie, I was glad to see that 100 mile marker. My hooha was hurting and I wanted to run. I  was a little nauseas and i thought my fingers were swelling so I was trying to take in the gatorade perform. But I'd never tried it in training. Um, MISTAKE #1. Official time 5:46.51

Anyway, into T2. Amazing volunteer. I was a little out of it. But she helped so so much. I just grabbed shot bloks and my shoes, wiped my face on a towel and went out the tent. time: 5:30.

The run. Oh...the run. Eddy had told me not to go out too fast. I feeling awful, but I didn't want anyone to know. I knew they were already concerned about my times. I had talked with Eddy the day before about my goals. I have been running really strong this year and I knew a 3:45 wasn't out of the question. But he wanted me to keep even pacing and go go go if I felt string at mile 21. Let's just say my first mile was 7:38, but I felt like I was crawling. And I walked on the bridge and knew then it was going to be a long day. I couldn't even think about taking in food. My stomach was full and revolting. By the third aid station, I couldn't even walk straight. The volunteers were asking if I was ok. So, I put my sunglasses down so they couldn't see my eyes and went off running. Aid station #4, I hit the port-a-potty for a few mins. Let me just say that on a hot day, when you come out of a port-a-potty, it feels like you're walking into antarctica. OK, anyway...until mile 9, I couldn't take in anything but a swig of coke or some water. Then, finally a gel and I swear, I ressurected from the dead!! I found that taking calories every 3rd aid station would be my plan. Then that plan failed me as I made the roundabout through town and once again felt awful.

Bryan ran with me, asked how I felt, talked me through it. I told him I would come back around. I was nauseous and my back was killing me. Once I concentrated on my form, I was ok. Seeing double digit mile markers was amazing!! Particularly mile 16. Not sure why. But I knew I was on my way home. When I passed mile 18, I heard some lady going the other way say she had less than 5 miles. and I almost cried. At mile 20, I knew I only had a 10k left, so I just figured, the quicker I go, the quicker the pain is over. I had been doing this "run til the aid station and then walk through it" pattern.And I kept that up through the remainder of the race. Those last few miles HURT. With a mile and a half to go, I just went. I think I had fire in my eyes. I knew it was going to be so so so close to break 11 hours. I finished the run in 3:59.16.

Total time: 11:00.08. Eight freaking seconds.

Good enough for 6th in my age group. And there were 4 kona spots, all claimed before roll down.

Oh, well, maybe next time.

Effingham. Population:12,400

Luckily, in that 12,400, there are about 20 cyclists. And two bike shops.

I started the morning...in bed. And then in granny's kitchen (i think i've mentioned she lives next door. like, a driveway/20 ft separate her and mom's doors. weird. believe me. i love my mom. will NEVER be able to live in such close proximity..) with my aunt, drinking coffee and listening to granny tell the same stories she told three months ago (she's 91...patience...she thinks i go walking all the time when i'm training. ha ha ha). And then I kitted up and headed out for a ride. I stopped in the LBS here in town and asked about group rides. One. Tonight. Maybe four people. 18mph avg. They recommended another shop. I went out to the country to clear my head. It's absolutely gorgeous out here. Nothing but farmland, cattle, fields, blue skies, billowing clouds. I even found a few hills. Seriously. Actual climbs!! And I think it was a prarie dog that nearly got run over. I saw farm machines I didn't even know existed! I rode on gravel for a half mile and was attacked by four dogs...

On my way back in, I found the Uphill Grind. Dick, shop dude, gave me the low down on the group rides, the riders, etc. He wants to go watch the boys hurt tomorrow night. he he he. This is good for me.

From there it was home for a quick snack and to the pool for lap swimming!! But, dude...meters are so much different than yards. I'm not used to that. sooooo slooooowww.... I got in what I needed. I laid out in the sun after.

I got encouraging words from friends. I fought the urge to call and tell him about my day. You guys are awesome.

It's all OK...

I've been forced to the sidelines for a time, so I haven't posted. I'm not able to train or work or eat much or sleep without aid and I'm not sure when life will resume some type of regularity...but I know that time is coming.

The past week has been very difficult physically and emotionally. So many nights I've cried myself to sleep or awoken in the middle of the night to have a meltdown. I've been in pain that makes me convulse and faint and cry and those close to me have had to watch...and worry.

But I'm on the mend, physically. And my heart is also healing.

Fortunately, God puts some really special people in your life and you don't always know the purpose behind these meetings...but sometimes that purpose is what gets you through a hard day or a life crisis.

Today, I got a call from Judi and I wasn't in the best state of mind and I didn't want to answer, but the words she spoke gave me hope. The things of which she reminded were imperative. The suggestions she gave put a smile on my face and thoughts in my mind.

And things began to turn around. And I know that everything is going to be ok. I know that changes must be made. I know that the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do (which I learned from another one of those very special people whom I'll blog about tomorrow). And I know that I have to rest and allow my body to heal, but I also have to pick myself up and move on and allow my heart to heal too.

The healing has begun. And it's all ok...

Closure?

Thursday
3am.I awake in a pool of sweat, unable to swallow. Do I go into work? Mom and her 30 years of nursing look down my throat with a flashlight. Swollen. No white patches. Into work. No lunch break.

4pm. It's sunny. 68 degrees. I'm itching to get outside. The sore throat has turned into drainage and sneezing.

5:30pm. Home. Arguing via text about whether to throw His things in the dumpster or give them to Goodwill. I change into shorts, bike cleats. Strap on my helmet. Suspend the conversation. 75 mins on the bike to clear my mind. 75 mins to be out on the road, away from the chaos. 75 mins to not engage in argument. 75 mins to not worry about a thing. 75 mins to breath the fresh air. And the middle 25 were focused. Intervals. Those are 25 minutes for me to be in control, to be strong, to dig deep.

7pm. Back home. Check the phone. Respond. Laugh at myself. And Him. We're both crazy. Take off the cleats, slip on the runners. Re-apply Body Glide. Ditch the sunglasses. Dig out the iPod. Grab a few jelly beans. Out for a 45 min run. Push the hills, relax all else. I charge the hills, minutes 6 to 13. At the top, I relax. Easy. I sing along with the music blaring in my ears. Sing out loud. 25 mins in and I feel as though I could run forever.

8pm. Walking the pup. Talking training with the neighbor. Texting with Him. I know I'm crazy. I'm also a little a excited.

8:45pm. Showered and fed. He arrives. It's been over a month since I've seen Him. I get a kiss on the cheek, gifts from SA, conversation and stories. I'm given compliments, niceties. He tells me I seem different - relaxed, but fun, comfortable with myself. I know I'm just detached. We laugh. We eat pop-tarts. He watches the muscles in my legs as I crack my ankles. He holds me close. I keep from getting too close. We stay up past midnight. And I fall asleep in his arms.

Friday
5am. The alarm sounds. We both hit snooze. I get up and make "the best coffee in the world". He still doesn't put the peanut butter jar away when he's finished. We swim a few grand at Mercy. He resists criticizing my stroke. He lets me swim my prescribed pull set. He joins in for my 8x50. He's quiet on drive home. Tired. I ask questions. I'm granted honesty.

8am. He breaks the news He was hired for a coaching job in FL. I make breakfast. Get ready for work. Brew Him more coffee. Help him construct an email. It's like nothing changed, but it's all so different. He smacks my ass. He tells me I look cute. He likes my hair. He leaves me with a few things of his. HE APOLOGIZES. He hugs me in the parking lot. Doesn't want to let go. He whimpers. We each drive away not knowing when we'll meet again. Unclear of our status. But I feel safer than I have in weeks.

4:30pm. Sitting in my cubicle. 80 degrees outside. List of food and gear in hand. Going home to do laundry. Have to pack my bags, my car. Big training weekend at Shawnee in preparation for TTT. He dropped out a few weeks back. Had only signed up to impress me. I don't know anything about where this path may lead, but this is my path. And He is on His. And that's exactly how it's supposed to be.

my new love affair

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

- "You're Not Sorry", Taylor Swift

...And so I've begun a new love affair....with my bike!!!

Coach E has these very prescribed workouts. Yesterday a brick. The bike was 11x30sec big ring power sprints with 90 secs easy spin. My warm-up was pretty much getting through Newport and across the bridge to Cincy and onto Eastern Avenue, where there is some flat fast ground. The sprints were fun! I felt fast and powerful and in control. And they made the time fly by! The cool down was good to help hydrate for the run...and it was then that I was reminded of the thing I love most about riding alone outside - cat calls from the gritty dudes on street corners...and me returning the favor!

Three and a half minutes later, I had stripped my sleeves, changed shorts and shoes and was out the door for the run. The "hilly run" where I was instructed to "push all hills into z4, rest is z1". Finding hills on which to run is no problem in my neighborhood. The first four mins were flat/rolling. Then I hit the first big hill...and charged up...and I felt it. Like, every muscle fiber in my quads. I felt them all. Just as I would get my heart rate down, another hill...and another...before finally heading back home.

Lots of days when I run, I just let my mind wander. And some days, the thoughts are too comical to keep the laughter inside. That was one of those days...I was just running down the street, laughing out loud. I can only imagine what my neighbors think of me.

Oh well...

Today, I decided to take advantage of the fact that I'm the only one in my dept at work, Tom volunteered to ride hills with me and there is considerabley less traffic during the day, and go for a "lunch" ride. I was counting down the minutes to leave for the ride. Sunny and beautiful and 73 degrees.

A quick warm-up and then a hill...7 mins to get up. Some down hill, and more uphill, over and over and over again. I was laughing. Tom was panting. On the last one, he says "this one's a bitch". And she was...and as we started the climb (standing in granny gear the whole way) all I could say was "Awesome" and I heard laughter behind me...and I can't tell you how happy I was to be out on the road...and out of my cubicle :)