untitled

So....training was going really great. I was doing 70 mile weeks very comfortably, including hill work and long runs. and then i got up to 80 miles in a week. I did back to back 20 milers. I did a 25 mile run at 7:46 pace.

And then, i got bronchitis....with a touch of pneumonia....and I'm on  a z-pack. and i'm on the mend. But this illness and the time off and the stress inducing causation of it all has really made me take a step back and appreciate the health i do have.

I've gotten mixed reviews on what I share about my personal life on here. And, honestly, that's part of the reason I quit sharing altogether.But, you know what, this is for me...not so much for you, though I do love your support. And i promise I'll talk about training more and I'll post more. but tonight, I just have to share what I've learned through heartache and pain and training and growing into myself....

I wrote this list back in 2006, when a friend asked if I'd learned anything through ,my marriage and subsequent divorce....And we had gone to san Francisco while shit was going down and ironically, I'm going back this week, and going through another transitional phase in which i need a reminder of these things, so, here's what I came up with then..

You asked me what I learned...

that you can love someone without being in love with them.
that it isn't the institution of marriage that is flawed, but the relationship.
that if what i had with him is the greatest thing i will have with someone else, i'd rather be alone.
that love is true and total acceptance.
that consistently putting your friends above your spouse is simply not realizing your spouse is your best friend.
that co-dependency is not love.
that you have to love you to love someone else. If that someone else doesn't allow you to love yourself, they can't be the person for you.
that everything happens for a reason.
that love sees beauty no matter what your clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry...
that once trust is broken, it might never be restored.
that love doesn't force you to unwillingly sacrifice things you love.
that i am okay...good even...maybe great, even if not great for him.
that everyone needs someone (or lots of someones) besides their spouse.
that you should never feel guilty for doing the things you love to do, even if the other person doesn't particularly enjoy those things themself.
that you never HAVE to stop learning about the other.
that sometimes, when you are sad, you don't even realize it because you haven't been happy in so long.
that it is far easier to forgive than to forget.
that sometimes, you should just be grateful.
that you shouldn't have to be afraid of your next wrong-doing.
that time together won't ALWAYS be fun, but it should be some of the time.
that it's okay to admit defeat.
that i don't need acceptance, approval or attention from any man to be acceptable.
that sometimes, you have to give yourself that hug you want so badly.
that you should never give up hope for that right person, but know that it will be fine if you never actually find them.
that independence is liberating.
that time and effort don't always equal success.
that you will know when you've had enough.
that jealousy, control, harassment are not emotions wrought of love.
that you shouldn't say/do things you regret or apologize for in the morning.
that sometimes, it's okay to get drunk and make an ass of yourself, but....
that it isn't okay to do so on a consistent basis.
that you really should never go to bed angry.
that you shouldn't have to cry yourself to sleep when the person that says they love you more than anything is lying right next to you.
that i am strong, i am likeable, i am funny (sometimes), i am beautiful, i am smart, and i can do so many thing that someone else may not be able to. i am me.
that i am amanda, not just so-and-so's friend/girlfriend/fiance/wife.
that you should always follow your instincts.
that doubt is a good indicator.
that someone who doesn't appreciate your time, doesn't deserve your time.
that communication is a major factor in any relationship.
that tough times call for tough measures.
that something in life will show you who your true friends are...and that you are lucky/blessed to have even two true friends in life.
that you shouldn't feel as though your opinion doesn't matter.
that you don't always get your way, but you shouldn't always let them have their way- compromise is key!!!
that if your friends and family don't like him, there is probably a reason.
that being denied too many times will lead to never asking for that same thing again.
that deprivation of even one elemental thing is completely destructive.
that oftentimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
that everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not yet the end

Yuck!

I had forgotten how awful it feels to be sick. But it feels BAD! The constant headache, the kind that feels like your eyeballs might explode. And the scratchy sore throat, that if you were to simultaneously yell and raise your voice two octaves, you'd surely rupture some vocal chords. And the grogginess that makes you feel like you took about four Tylenol PM and then committed to an all-nighter. And then there are the aches. Oh, the aches! Like I just started back up at the gym after months away. Add to that sinus drainage and nausea, oh, and the lovely ashen color of the skin. Yeah, it's beautiful.

And I have a marathon in, wait, what day is it? um...four days? Ugh. I'm taking in as much fluid as I can. And the Vitamin C and Zinc are pulsing through my veins. I may or may not have slept 18 of the last 24 hours. Fun times. The last time I was sick like this was just before Triple T in the spring. And I had a fabulous weekend of racing, so let's hope this is just the universe's way of making me taper.

Before my hibernation period, I did have some fun. After an exciting Thanksgiving, complete with scrabble and headstands, a busy Black Friday and a not-so-busy Saturday at work, I got out for a mountain bike ride with a friend on Sunday. It was my first ride on a real bike with someone who knows how to ride. And I only went over the handle bars once! I asked for some tips, but I didn't really get any except, "try just using the back brake. that way you just slide out instead of flipping over". GENIUS!! So, yeah, it's not for my own riding ability that it only happened once. And I guess when you've been riding for 10 years, you forget what it's like to ride for the first time.

After a couple hours on the trails, I came home and went for an amazing hour run. I was feeling really inspired. Some new ideas and possibilities have come to light and they came through in my run. And then the dreaded sickness hit. Speaking of which, I need to go take a nap. I think my brain is melting and oozing out my nostrils.

My couch has a lovely imprint

Of my ass! because that's where it was planted all weekend.

Thursday morning, I wasn't really "feeling the water" at practice, but I busted my ass and made it through. By lunch time, I had this slight sore throat. It was just scratchy enough to be annoying. When lunch got pushed back to 1pm and I realized I only eaten a banana and some oatmeal and I wasn't woozy with low blood sugar (ie - i had no appetite! gasp!). If you know me, you know this last little morsel of information is critical. And should be cause for concern.

What did I do? Yeah, I tried to go ahead and train that evening. I took the P2 bike out for a spin. And my legs didn't have a whole lot of pick up, but I just pushed on through, feeling parched and as though I were sucking air into my lungs through a straw. And I got home, threw on my run shoes and set out for the half hour run, as scheduled.

Legs.
would.
not.
move.

Seriously. No pick-up-and-go. A measly 12 mins and I was collapsed on my living room floor.
I succumbed to being sick, though I tried really hard to defy the odds. I even got up and went to work. But after about four people told me I looked like death, and nodding off while attempting to type, I decided to call it a day.

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to go ride the TTT course with my race partner on Saturday, as I have yet to ride with him. And the race is less than two weeks away. (sigh). And, of course, Saturday morning, I really really wanted to go. I mean, I'd even set my stuff out to take the night before, like my mental fortitude was going to knock out this bug!

Alas, I did not go to Portsmouth. And it was a wise decision. Because I did allow my mind to talk my body into a run. That ended with black, coffee-rich vomit. And again, a heap on my living room floor.
That taught me a very valuable lesson: REST WHEN SICK!

I finally listened to my body for the remainder of the weekend...except for a quick trip down memory lane with an old college friend at Habanero's. Oh, the dumb things we did back in the day...

Some angel in the darkness brought me some much needed NyQuil, Vick's Vapo-Rub, Vitamin Water, Sprite...in the middle of a hazy sick fog Saturday night. And Clubber provided a great cuddling companion.
T
his morning, I awoke feeling spry again! And started the day with a great 8 mile hill run. But I'll be relaxing this evening.

Our little tri team put a hurtin' on at Rev 3 Knoxville Olympic, taking:
1st Male Ameteur - Coach Ed A
4th Male Amateur - Coach Eddy W
2nd Female Amateur - Missy K
4th Female 30-34 - Erika W
7th Male 35-39 - Kromer
10th Male 35-39 - Matt M (Squirrel)

AND...on Saturday, my girl (and teammate) Holly broke the women's 40k TT record with a 1:02.

I am with a fast group of people here...Congrats to all!

I can cry if I want to!

Tuesday started with a run before Masters practice. And a full day of work. And then lots of food before noon. But, mysteriously, the hunger died off after that. And I went home for my 90 min spin.

Post-ride, I wasn't feeling particularly hungry. I definitely didn't feel I could stomach meat. I opted for salad. A big salad. Made of spinach. With red and yellow peppers, carrots, tomato, mushroom, avacado, bacon and dressing.

I watched Lost as I cleaned my bike and downloaded music. And then I laid down for bed.

And the room was spinning.
I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable.
I got up to make a cup of tea.
I took a couple sips.
And I ran to the bathroom.
Nothing.
Brought the garbage can back to my room. And laid back down.
And was right back up.
Up-chucking. Green and red and yellow and orange...
And I drank more tea.
And up it came as well.
And then water.
Why do I not learn?

I called my mom, crying. No, bawling. I had puke spittle hanging from my nose and chunks of said salad in my mouth. Between sobs, I asked "What am I supposed to do? I keep throwing up everything I take in!!". She simply said, "stop taking stuff in".

Duh!

I continued heaving for close to two hours. And finally fell asleep with my head over the side of the bed, lying on my stomach.

I only know this because that is the position in which I woke up. I stayed awake for maybe an hour. And I was back out. Splayed on the couch with a cuddly pug.

I awoke a couple hours later, downed a Diet 7up, had some dry cereal, talked to Judi, and fell back asleep.

I was wakened by text messages a few hours later. And I was starving!!! I ate. And drank. And burped vomit. But I was able to hold it back.

I was asleep again by regular bedtime. And I was up for swim practice this morning. It wasn't a horribly difficult practice. And there was only one point in which I was dizzy and a couple in which I thought I might shit my suit.

And now, I'm feeling pretty back to normal. Hungry and all. Good thing, cause there may be a little trip to TN for the weekend for some riding...

Nothing goes as planned...

...'cause that's just life.

Friday, at work, I kept threatening my coworkers I was going to a bathroom stall to take a nap. Despite the enormous fatigue I was feeling, I tried for that Friday night ride. Cut it short at an hour because I realized it was just stupid to push it so soon after being so sick.

And then I awoke before 5am, barely able to move. Sent coach a text "Gettin sick again! Come and take it easy or go back to bed?" His response, simply "Bed!" And, admittedly, I cried myself back to sleep. I was upset over missing the team workout, upset about being sick again, upset that I'm in bed, upset that just a few months ago, Kona seemed in reach and now, even IMKY is getting further and further from my grasp. I was, once again, angry at the circumstances by which I became sick. The hatred and frustration all came back.

I slept for the next five hours. Deep sleep. Strange dreams. Dad brought me a prescription. Judi helped me with some research on vitamins and supplements to help build my immune system (thanks to both of you!!!) and without much ado, I went back down for a two hour nap.

Finally, around 4pm, I decided I needed some activity. An easy hour run. Wow, it feelt good to be outside! What was predicted to be a rainy day? Not as planned! It was sunny and breezy and beautiful. It took me almost an hour to run seven miles....but at least I was out. And when I got back? Shower, food, back to bed for some reading before actually dozing.

Another 10 hours of sleep. I awoke feeling much better. Not yet 100%, but still better than Saturday. So, I went out on the bike for an easy 2 hour spin. I did mix in some hills for a different route...and back home for food and more lying in bed.

I was honest with Coach about everything, my activity, my fatigue, my desire to keep training, even if it means only working half-days to have the energy. He sent me my plan for the week. It seems so half-assed and already, I'm thinking how I'll add time to the runs or yardage to the swims...and that's exactly the shit that gets me where I am. Pushing it. But how do you get better if you don't push? How do you break through to new levels of fitness or speed or endurance if you don't push through every now and then?

The silver lining in all this? I'm learning a lot about the human body and a weakened immune system. My eyes are being opened up to an entirely different way of looking at things. For me, life has always been "work hard, play harder". And it seems I'm being offered a different perspective.

Patience is a virtue. It just isn't one I typically hold close. I want to be better NOW! But, for now, I have to wait. Again. And if I push it, I'll likely have to wait...again. That only creates more frustration. So, i'm trying to simply accept with an open heart/mind/schedule that things just rarely go as planned.

It's all OK...

I've been forced to the sidelines for a time, so I haven't posted. I'm not able to train or work or eat much or sleep without aid and I'm not sure when life will resume some type of regularity...but I know that time is coming.

The past week has been very difficult physically and emotionally. So many nights I've cried myself to sleep or awoken in the middle of the night to have a meltdown. I've been in pain that makes me convulse and faint and cry and those close to me have had to watch...and worry.

But I'm on the mend, physically. And my heart is also healing.

Fortunately, God puts some really special people in your life and you don't always know the purpose behind these meetings...but sometimes that purpose is what gets you through a hard day or a life crisis.

Today, I got a call from Judi and I wasn't in the best state of mind and I didn't want to answer, but the words she spoke gave me hope. The things of which she reminded were imperative. The suggestions she gave put a smile on my face and thoughts in my mind.

And things began to turn around. And I know that everything is going to be ok. I know that changes must be made. I know that the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do (which I learned from another one of those very special people whom I'll blog about tomorrow). And I know that I have to rest and allow my body to heal, but I also have to pick myself up and move on and allow my heart to heal too.

The healing has begun. And it's all ok...

Weeoooweeoooweee, like a cop car

Or an ambulance.

Went to the doc at noon today. She ordered a bunch of tests. I felt like crap, she could tell. I was in a lot of pain. She could tell that too.

Mom and I walked next door to the lab to have blood drawn. They made me wear a mask. I warned her I would pass out. Funny, lately my veins have been bulging. As soon as we get to the doc, it's like they ran for cover. She sticks the needle in my left arm...nothing. Moves to the right arm, takes two vials. I didn't look. I had my head leaned back against the wall. The tech kept asking me how I felt. She pulled the needle out, put on a bandage and I remember thinking that I'd made it through this one...without fainting!!!

Next thing i know, I feel a sqeezing sensation around my thigh, someone is telling me it's ok. Where am I? There are shoulders under my armpits. I'm gasping for air. Seriously, where am I? I hear mom's voice. I'm lifted out of the chair, but my legs are not mine. They're lifted from under me.

I hear nurses panic. I hear a call for a doc. I'm sweating. I can't catch my breath. I'm laid on the floor. I hear mom ask if seizing is normal when one passes out. I hear sirens. My arms and legs go tingly. Then my whole mouth and nose. My shoes are removed. I'm freezing. I'm wet. Someone's rubbing my feet, telling me to take deep breaths, wiggle my fingers and toes. Too much. I couldn't do all three at once.

"Are you pregnant? On medications? Allergies? Eppileptic? Ever had seizures before?"

No. No. None. No. No.

On the stretcher and down the elevator to the ambulance. Off to the ER.

They tell me they're going to take more blood. Tears come to my eyes. WTF?!?

THey didn't. And it turns out, I apparently just had some response to the blood being drawn. I was released after an EKG and other random shizzle...
Back home now and can barely type I'm so tired. So, I'm out. Nighty night.

Oh, and no Pig running for me Sunday. I will be on the sidelines cheering for Judi and Tom and Sandi, Squirrel, Mark, Quinn, Tim, Ackermann, and all my buddies I forgot!

**Update - Yes, I seized. That's why they called 911. EKG also revealed an enlarged heart. Does it ever end?!?***

Good, Bad and Ugly

First, the Good:
Avenue Q is an amazing show!!! Hilarious. And raunchy. And tactless. But honest. And fun. It's about relationships and finding your purpose in life. How appropriate! Here's a little clip, just for fun...



Now, the Bad:
My PCP sent me home on Tues with the diagnosis of "virus" as I said in last post. Well, yesterday my swim went well, but by 2pm, I wanted to fall asleep at my desk. I went home, did a short run with strides. It was awful. My legs felt heavy and it was just WAY more difficult than it should've been and I was seriously sweaty. It wasn't even 70 degrees and it was only a half hour run and i looked like I jumped in a pool. I drank some coffee to wake up and went to the show downtown. Got home before 11 and slept soundly until my alarm sounded at 6:30am.

No morning workout scheduled, but I put some coffee on and took the dog out for a stroll. I noticed some pain and upon investigation...severe lymphnode swelling. Called in sick, back to the doc - a different one - at noon. I feel worse today than I have the last couple days. I almost passed out this morning. They better take some damn blood today! Mom is coming along because I'm notorious for passing out when blood is drawn. The Pig is looking like it won't be run :( but I'll go down and cheer everyone else on :)

And, the Ugly:
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go out of town, to mom's hometown. The cancer took my uncle Tuesday night. The visitation is Friday evening, funeral services are Saturday morning. He and my step-dad were diagnosed about a month apart. Step-dad passed just over a year ago. Strange that sisters lose their spouses to the same thing within a year of one another. Perhaps they can garner strength from one another?

Being sick

There are very few things in life that I hate. Being sick is one of them. I always want to get up and do something. Then I try (or i do, out of sheer will) and find it was silly of me. Yesterday's two hour run, for example - Sheer will got me through that thing. And ego. I couldn't bail half-way through and leave Missy running alone. I couldn't tell coach that it just wasn't in me. I should've. But I didn't. Today, my abs are getting a workout with the coughing. You know, the kind of coughing that leaves you red faced, gasping for air, broken capilaries around your eyes...

I've been awake for three hours and once I finish this, I'm going back to bed. It's probably about 80 degrees and sunny today. I may not even make it past the porch. There will be many more days like this to come, but it sucks to miss the first few.

A couple people have asked about my race season...and I have the bigs ones on the calendar, but I think there will be a few smaller ones thrown in. Thus far, its:

May 3 - Flying Pig Marathon, Cincinnati, OH
May 22-24 - American Triple T, Portsmouth, OH
July 19 - Musselman Triathlon, Geneva, NY
August 30 - IMKY, Louisville, KY

I'm not dead set on Musselman right now. I registered for it because I thought I'd be living in Jersey and it would be a good half to do. I'll likely sub in another race. Gotta talk to caoch about what he wants me to do, I suppose.

For, now, I need to go rest and get healthy for the Pig next weekend.

my head...

...right now, is full of snot. Like, gallons of it. Seriously, what was I thinking going to Portsmouth this weekend for TTT training?! Beside the facts that my lung capacity is at about 65%, I can't breathe through my nose and my energy levels are waining, the courses for the 4 races are extremely hilly! I made it about 3 hours on the bike yesterday before I finally decided it was just stupid for me to be out there, particularly with one week 'til the Flying Pig. I felt like such a wuss, but I do know better. I couldn't keep up and my legs had no pep. Seriously, it wasn't even fun.

...talked me into staying the night anyway. Missy and I had our own cabin. At one point, all the guys were in it too, but we had the place t o ourselves the majority of the time. I figured I could rest up and even if I couldn't do the prescribed run in the morning (of run down to the trail, run the trail twice and back to the cabin), I could do part of it and see how the course looks. Missy and I did the whole thing anyway. It felt much more difficult than it should have for me. But, I made it through the whole two hours without passing out.

...is totally stuck on someone. CAN NOT GET HIM OUT! ugh.

...is wondering where I'll be moving a month from now. It's become pretty clear I can't live with mom and Kaylee. It's been an experience over the last year, but it's also a 3-ring circus inside these four walls. There are some things happening right now that just don't feel right. And that's something I can totally do without.

...is thinking about those who raced St. Anthony's today!

...needs a break. I'm off for a nap...