Saturday, July 3, 2010

The proverbial straw that broke my back

Yesterday was a relatively good day. I had one of my best training sessions to date. A warm-up run followed by 4x(ride 4 miles hard, run 1 mile hard). I found a stretch of road near the high school track a couple miles longs with a railroad overpass (ie- hill coming from either direction) and I pounded it out. My mile splits got faster and faster, 7:05, 7:00, 6:45, 6:40. And then a nice cool down ride. And I was rather satisfied.

From there, I got a sandwich and went to the pool for some time in the sun. And a quick few laps. Unfortunately, by the time i got home, I was waaaay too hungry. I'd probably gotten myself into a bit of a glycogen debt. I had a hankering for a burrito and upon searching hopelessly for a Chipotle, found a little Mexican taqueria. I was the only gringo in the joint, but I made a mad dash for home to scarf it down and knew I'd still not consumed enough. I later had some sugar free ice cream (there are no treats in this house, so I went next door and raided granny's diabetic sweets).

Then came nightfall. And as tired as I was, my mind wouldn't shut off. I'm finding evenings to be the most difficult times. I tried the couch, the floor, TV, no TV, crosswords, tea, sitting on the porch, reading blogs, sending emails... Nothing seemed to help. I tossed and turned and maybe got four hours of sleep before awaking this morning for some coffee before this group ride.

There were six of us in total. We circled the block over and over waiting for all to arrive before heading out on the road. Right away, we picked up the pace. And I could feel it. In my legs. In my mind. All of me was wanting nothing more than to just go home, curl in a ball and sleep for hours on end. But I kept riding, now just trying to suck wheel instead of taking pulls. I tried to stay positive in my mind. But I didn't know the roads. And I had about 230 riding miles and a couple run speed sessions on my legs. And we hit a road covered in gravel. In a pace line. Going prett fast. I dropped back a little. One wrong move by the wheel in front or any lack of signalling and I didn't want to be a casualty. And that little gap got bigger. I just let them go. ANd mentally, I went too. Like off the deep end.

When we regrouped, I said something about how that wasn't safe and in return, received some remarks...and then I got a little mouthy with the coach in the group. And in my mind, I was going BALLISTIC!!! Instead, I just picked up my toys and went the other direction. I got within a safe distance and wailed. and bawled. and made a few phone calls. and got voicemails.

The heartache. And the fear. The disappointment. And the lack of stability. And the pain. Not enough calories. No quality sleep. Too much sun. All the miles. The speed work. Packing. Travelling. Living out of a suitcase. Turning 30. Just wanting things to be easy for a while. The desire to go home...and having no home! It all caught up to me. And that gravel is what broke me. I didn't know where the hell I was. And it didn't even matter. I could've fallen in a heap on the ground and not gotten up for hours. But I mentally gathered myself and pulled out the GPS and got back to mom's, where I now sit and think about how word spreads like wildfire in a small town. And they'll all think I'm some kind of whack job cry baby. But really leaving the group ride had nothing to do with the gravel or the guys riding. And everything to do with everything else.

I think I need a break. even if just for the remainder of today.

9 comments:

The Iron Curtains said...

From what I get out of your blog, you are strong, courageous, an amazing athlete, and a wonderful person. The things you do and the things you go through inspire me to get out of my room, get out of my head, and just go train, damn it!

Amanda, you are not a whack job cry baby. I should know, because I am a whack job cry baby. And even if you are, we all love you for it! Get some rest today, eat (read treats, not sugar-free ice cream!), take a day off. After your day off, keep training, keep writing, and keep crying. Everything is good. Everything.

TRI-james said...

All will be forgotten. We all have moments. Don’t worry about it. It is not a big deal – it just feels like a big deal.

Of course I am only talking about the cycling.

You are strong and will come out of this - I have no doubts!

Keith said...

From a reader, and a friend, even though you don't know me.

Life's full of rough patches. Get past this one, and there's another around the corner. You'll get past that too.

And in between there are endless moments of joy. Beers after a hard ride. Ice cream. Kids yelling "Go Daddy." Smiles of friends and family. Sunrises and sunsets. Listening to great tunes. Others doing amazing things.

You'll remember the moments of joy, and forget all about the rough parts.

From what I can tell you are a remarkable woman. Don't worry about what others think - you know in your heart who you are and what you are made of.

Enjoy a day off!

RockStarTri said...

Amanda,

I've been holding back commenting on your recent posts as I've felt that there is very little that I could write that would be constructive. I can't say I know how you feel as I don't think anyone can say that accurately.

Given that context, realize you've been injured and need to give yourself some time to heal. It is difficult to know what you can do while you heal and what you can't do. You'll get more of a sense (as well as heal) with time. It would be easier and there would be more of a roadmap to recovery if you were hurt physically rather than as you were, I'm guessing.

I am confident, though, that you'll get to a good place. Every day will get you closer. If I can help, let me know. I'm sure, again there, that I'm not alone in wishing you the best and looking forward to the continued adventure as a rock star. (and you are)!

:)

RockStarTri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christi said...

I have had moments like this as well. They are needed and will help us recover.

onelittletrigirl said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I am glad it was this post. You had a bad day. Bad days happen. Everyone needs a break sometimes!

Big Daddy Diesel said...

You were 100% right about it being dangerous, anything could have happened on gravel. You were in the right.

Even though you are "away" from things to relax and get your mind back on track, there will still be down moments. Stay strong, time will heal what your going through. It is good hear you have a great support system to help you out.

Matty O said...

stumbled on your blog today by complete accident I guess. Read a few of your last posts and (granted some deep serious life events) really like your style of righting.

Pretty straight forward.

Looking forward to some good training sessions out of you in the next weeks... curious what you will do with 100% focus on training.

It appears you will come out stronger from this event and the decisions made were for the best.

Hang in there, we all go through tough times and trials in life, you however have the mental and physical strength to steer through this.

Good luck, and stay strong and positive through this!