Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm looking at the (wo)man in the mirror

I'm asking her to change her ways.

The disappointment must stop. I must let go. I must not continue to emotionally entangle myself. I must not invite in the chaos. I must not respond. I must not show weakness. I must not let him know he still infiltrates my thoughts.

Because he thrives on these things. Each time one of these things occurs, he gains some control. I must take back the control. The only reason he has power is because i gave it to him. And I'm finally just sick and tired of pain.

At least the emotional sort. The physical kind is beautiful.

Last night was my first bike under Coach E. It was on the trainer. The warm-up and 30 sec fast spins were easy. Then came the 40 min steady state in z4. Fifteen minutes into this, I wanted to rip the fucking bike off the trainer. My legs felt swollen, achy. But how could i tell Coach I bailed after 15 mins? So, i kept pedaling. Ten minutes later, my legs had come around. I felt fresh and powerful and the remaining time went by quickly. I emailed Coach notes. He responded with "Tomorrow sould be a good one-be strong!!"

After the night sweats and the early morning dog walk, I woke to legs that felt better than they've felt in weeks. I tried to commission Tom into meeting me at the track. He declined, said he might just stay in bed. I made one last desperate attempt and decided I'd swim at lunch and go to the track after work.

And about 11:40, I get a text from Tom "I've got to get out. Tell me when and where before I change my mind" LOL! So grateful he changed his mind. I needed a push. Someone else there. Someone else to push me to feel the pain.

We met for my track work. 10 min warm up. 8x30 sec stride with 90 sec recovery. And then...3x1 mile with 2 mins recovery. I already had my mind made up I was going sub 7...maybe 6:45? First mile my heart rate was up. I could hear my breathing. I could feel my legs. 6:30. and on to recovery lap. Next mile felt easier. I gained focus, got relaxed. 6:30 again. And last one...go out on the first lap, maintain for the second, push on the third, hang on for the fourth. 6:37. Slightly off, but I'll so take it. Cool down and change back into work clothes as I drive back to the office. When my next workout is only 4 hours away, there's no need for a shower.

The women in my new department are poster children for J Crew. The men, Brooks Brothers. They all drive Beamers. Hell, they sell aircraft. I go back to my cube with sweat soaked hair and I'm sure I stink. They think I'm silly and immature, no doubt. I live an entirely different life. They have no idea the joy I feel out racing, testing my limits. Maybe it's the same thing they feel watching their kids walk for the first time...or say "dada" or how they feel when they land a big deal with rich payoffs?

After work, a quick swim. Had to get it in and out before aqua aerobics. 5x(150 swim, 150 pull). Short and sweet.

And tonight, I pray I can refrain from contact...even more than for lack of sweating.


~Jess~ said...


nicely done.

Judi said...

try chaste tree berry extract for the night sweats.


BreeWee said...

Nice track and way to stay on the ride... it's better to just suck it up then find something to explain to coach.

Ha ha, you crack me up about Hawaiian fire dancer, it was totally him that waved, I was laughing so hard! now I keep looking out for him, Ill let you know if I get any scoop on him...

hope you rid the night sweats, get some tea from the heath food store, yogi brand makes a tea called Bed Time and it is awesome for helping rest the body and all sorts of sweaty things :)