putting it all in perspective

life has been a little hard for me lately. i hate my job - i sit and do nothing all day. actually, that's a lie. i cruise the cincy express message board, read blogs, update my training log, etc... and then i go home to a three-ring circus. my niece is forever struggling with homework, getting in my business, laughing hysterically at her heinous cat, feeding my dog goldfish crackers...have i mentioned i don't like kids? and she lives with us...and by "us", i mean me and my mother, who is clinically depressed. she's "dating" (ie- stalking) some guy that lives in our apt complex that gets her drunk on every date and then, when she gets out of hand, calls the cops on her. or so he threatens. it's never-ending chaos. she's anorexic and completely and totally delusional. it's understandable, to some extent, as she lost her husband less than a year ago and the following weekend gained custody of an 8 year old child. so, each day, i leave a job i abhor to go visit the psych ward in which i live.

i'm not seeking pity, just explaining my mindset of late. this makes me seek solace in training. and oftentimes i have such great expectations of gaining relief in training, that i get no relief at all. i've been irritable. paul takes a lot of my shit. so unfair, i know. last night, as i was going to bed, i contrived some situation in my mind and began (via text) to question him... he quickly explained and erradicated all fears, to which i responded "i'm crazy. sorry. r u still sure u can handle me?". he said to me, "i'm sure i'll die trying...". where did i find this guy again???

anyway, my day started great today. i woke up and went to the gym to lift and had a great workout. i took my time getting ready and came into work, where I got this email (see below) from our masters swim coach. Sean is a guy that is my age that swims with us...and he's gone on a few rides with Tom and me. he and his wife, Marty, just had a baby named Lily. i think she was due in march, but she was born in early January. Marty went into the hospital before Thanksgiving because she’s got some heart problems and they wanted to watch both her and Lily. Sean and Marty came home from the hospital last month, but Lily is still at Good Sam in NICU.

Hello Everyone,
With a very heavy heart, I am saddened to inform all of you that Sean 's wife, Marty, passed away yesterday at the age of 29. She died peacefully in her sleep after a pregnancy that had many complications. She was doing well after she gave birth to Lily but the heart defect that she had long suffered from became suddenly became much worse. Doctors had a hard time controlling it with medication.

I really can't say much other than I talked to Sean late last night and friends and family are staying with him right now. Services are being held at Crossroads Church Saturday morning (yes, Valentine's Day - could it get any worse) from 10:00 - 1:00. The last two years that I have known Sean and Marty have been two of my best. Sarah and I adored them and went to dinner and family functions with them often. Marty was such a warm and caring person and when I woke up today, it was if I woke up in an unfriendly world. She was always laughing and smiling........I can't imagine what Sean is going through right now. They were inseparable and this heartbreaking news has left a lot of us shocked and concerned about Sean and Lily.

We are still having Masters practice tomorrow morning but I just wanted to give you all the heads up as I will probably not be myself for a while.

kinda puts all my little shit problems in perspective, makes me wanna live in the moment, not worry about tomorrow, what chaos is like right now...makes me want to laugh a bit more and cry a bit less. even if just for today, i'm in today. even if i have a lump in my throat and a knot in my gut when i think of Sean with that little newborn by his side and his wife nowhere near, but in spirit.